Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Hope67]

Welcome back   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Stressful day.  I should have gone for a run or something to ease it but I was pinched for time and the rain started to pour.

I had to be interviewed over the phone today.  Months ago, I turned in a coworker for an inappropriate relationship with a student. Turns out, the state is investigating him!!!! So they interviewed me today.  I can't help but be triggered.  I don't want to talk about adults taking advantage of kids... I try to close the doors but the intrusive thoughts and my own memories come back to me.  I see young me being taken advantage of and I can't seem to turn the loop off.

Later my neighbor was upset with my son.  She has a 5 and a 4 year old and my son is 5. The kids kept roughhousing when we told them not to.  My parenting is very different than hers.  She's loud and spanks.  I do not spank and I don't scream at my kid.  So yeah we left and she sent me an angry text saying she was upset over my son's behavior.

Too much stress for 1 day. It's bubbling up and I'm having trouble.

Love you all! Any support would be appreciated

[Three Roses]

You are giving your son what he needs. Spanking doesn't work, imo. Yelling and spanking are just more stressors that a child doesn't need. Maybe in time your neighbor will see that you have a better idea of how to parent. Regardless, she's not your job but your son is. 

You're speaking up for what's right. The discomfort and fear is what keeps more adults from getting involved and defending the powerless. I wish I'd had someone like you in my corner when I was a kid. ❤️

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
Thank you for having the courage to report the coworker with an inappropriate relationship with a student. Understandable that it has been triggering for you. You did the right thing. 

Your son's behavior is your business, not your neighbor's. Keep trusting yourself in your parenting.

After such a stressful day I hope you are able to self-soothe with a blanket, cup of tea, or whatever brings you comfort.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

As you know, violence toward a child either makes them violent or fearful or both.  You are doing fine with your little boy.  I was raised by parents who hit me (well, my father did) and it did not make me respect him, only fear him.  Boundaries can be reinforced in ways that don't involve physical pain.  When someone hits a person, they have already lost the battle. 

Yes, soothe yourself tonight.  Take care of the young one inside.  And as was already mentioned, a huge thank you for turning in the teacher who was inappropriate.  I had that happen to me, too.  It's icky and life altering.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog, notalone, 3R
Thanks for the validation my non yelling and non hitting approach to parenting. 

Notalone you hit on something so true! So many people seem to act as if my family life is their business! I always hear... oh you don't want him to be an only child! Come on don't you want another one? Don't you want a little girl? I've even had people pull aside my son and ask him if he'd like a little brother or sister! I find that so infuriating!

I try to defend myself saying that I had a really rough pregnancy.  Then I always seem to hear "well every pregnancy is different" My reasons to not have a child are my own! I don't feel like I can't  be truly honest. I can't say, well I'm not mentally healthy enough to go through it again. I can't deal with the postpartum.

I had a dream last night that I was eating a cheeseburger that was completely raw on the inside.  I think I have some raw emotions going on here.

Phew rant over

[Jdog]

 

[MoonBeam]

Hi Deep Blue, that's a lot to walk through.  Huge respect for standing up for a student and being able to follow through when action was taken by the school. That's huge. I understand how triggering that must have been. You did it. You are amazing.

It's always been interesting to me that mostly, the people in my life were the parents of the children in my boys class at school or the neighbors with the child my son wanted to play with, even though we basically had nothing in common. It's tough to navigate, but it also is clear to me you are protecting your child and it sounds like your neighbor was wanting to rage on you with her angry text, since you wouldn't allow your son to be raged on.  Sounds like awesome parenting to me.

I'm wondering if when folks say inappropriate things to you about your life choices regarding more children, you could just reply something like--I'm not able to have more children. And leave it at that. It isn't any of their business. They then can wonder why, if they've over-stepped and possibly have a moment of checking themselves for their thoughtless statement.  One can hope.

Sorry for writing so much in your journal.  Glad you're here Deep Blue.

[Deep Blue]

Oh sweet MoonBeam,
You don't have to apologize for writing too much in my journal. Though I've not known you that long, I do know that I very much take what you say to heart.  I appreciate you. What you say is valuable to me so thank you.

Thanks for the hug Jdog!  back to ya darling.

I think I had a breakthrough today.  I was thinking of why this teacher chose that student to have an inappropriate relationship with. I thought about how she had less money, wanted to feel older, felt more isolated than most. These are probably things that a predator would see and their mouths would water.  This teacher CHOSE her!

Then I thought about my own abuse.  I have never really spoke about who my abusers were on the forum.  I suppose I've always been a bit embarrassed.  I worried that people would look down on me and think that I could have left... that I brought the abuse on myself. (Ugh... "you brought this on yourself" is still a triggering phrase for me)

Deep breath... ok here goes...
I was abused by my former best friend and her family. You really couldn't write this stuff    It took over a year for them to groom me but eventually I became their punching bag, their * object and their scapegoat.

But this whole thing with the teacher made me realize something... It wasn't cuz of my own stupidity that this happened.  It's because they chose me.  They saw someone desperate for love and attention.  Someone that was ignored in her own family because she would never measure up... devalued for being a female. So they chose me... they chose me and groomed me accordingly.

I didn't bring it on myself after all

[Three Roses]

I didn't bring it on myself after all

No, you didn't. 

[Jdog]

You didn't bring the abuse on yourself any more than I brought on the inappropriate behavior of my college professor.  And I blamed myself because I could have refused, but didn't because I was starved for male approval and had a fairly distant father.  Lots of shame over lots of years. 

Thanks for sharing about your abusers.  I hope you feel lighter.

[woodsgnome]

There's an awful lot of packaging in these last entries, none comfortable, some of it hidden within cloaks of silence for so long.

Yet it's usually the abusers running off into the sunset (or some other escape metaphor), leaving us to try and absorb what happened to us, along with the baggage of self-blame and feelings of if-only-I-hadn't; shouldn't have, my fault.

The packaging lies all around, and we're the last ones left for the cleanup; it's scream or more likely cry time too. There's very little in life that can leave us so stranded, wounded, and mostly just sad and lonely, and yet generous enough to go the self-blame route; anything towards shedding this pain.

The only reason I've ever figured for that is that so many times the abuse itself was so intolerable, so unbelievable, there literally is no reason at all. We want to walk, no--run--away, and it just seems so much, and so we self-blame.

I hope we all can take in what's going on here, with the self-blame so persistent as to nearly destroy what the abusers set in motion.  While the hurt parts seem to stick like glue, the real relief comes at seeing those distant forms we once knew (and feared) as abusers fading ever further, finally realizing that we can talk about it, even if we once were convinced we couldn't. Hard as that is, we find it too has a name -- recovery. I hope we come to know that not just as a comfort, but regard it as a strength of the toughest part -- survival itself. Maybe it's not about winning or losing, but knowing that this survival feeling came from our own being and has built through our own strong hearts.   

[Not Alone]

Then I thought about my own abuse.  I have never really spoke about who my abusers were on the forum.  I suppose I've always been a bit embarrassed.  I worried that people would look down on me and think that I could have left... that I brought the abuse on myself. (Ugh... "you brought this on yourself" is still a triggering phrase for me)

Deep breath... ok here goes...
I was abused by my former best friend and her family. You really couldn't write this stuff    It took over a year for them to groom me but eventually I became their punching bag, their * object and their scapegoat.

But this whole thing with the teacher made me realize something... It wasn't cuz of my own stupidity that this happened.  It's because they chose me.  They saw someone desperate for love and attention.  Someone that was ignored in her own family because she would never measure up... devalued for being a female. So they chose me... they chose me and groomed me accordingly.

I didn't bring it on myself after all

Deep Blue,
I think it was brave for you to share that with us. No, you did not bring it on yourself. It was not your fault. They took advantage of someone vulnerable. Sending you a tender, compassionate hug. 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Three Roses,
It was a huge revelation to me and I'm trying to hold it close to my heart. I see my T tomorrow and I'm gonna tell her about it.  Also thanks for your support. I really can't adequately support how much it means to me  thanks.

Jdog,
You are right.  Just cuz we didn't refuse does not mean it was right.  People in positions of power, or older than us... it was confusing and they took advantage of our confusion and our need for some kind of validation.

Woodsgnome,
You always are able to put things in perspective in such an eloquent way . I think what you say rings true for other leftovers from the abuse as well.  By blaming myself it meant that I was responsible... and if I was responsible, than I can somehow prevent it from happening again.  But the truth is... the abuse was their choice and I was ripe for the picking.  Just cuz I didn't bring it on myself doesn't mean it will happen again.  Thanks for being you 

Notalone,
Thanks for the validation.  I was vulnerable and didn't even know it.  So yeah, thanks very much for the hug. One back to you 

[MoonBeam]

Oh Deep Blue. Thank you for sharing. That was really brave and you are so right! The abuse you suffered was not your responsibility in any way. The choosing, the grooming, the abuse was all so calculated, covert and cleverly crafted to trap us and keep us accessible and what felt like complacent in some instances. It's really sad and the people who hurt us are the one's who are to blame.  What an amazing breakthrough.
It's a hard thing to let go of, self-blame, part of the conditioning and shaping I assume. Your words are inspiring as this has been pretty prevalent for me lately too.

Wanted to send a  and thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate you.