Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Hope67]

Hi DeepBlue,
Just wanted to pop by and send you a heartfelt hug 
Hope 

[Sceal]

 

[Tee]

Thanks for sharing deep blue.

[Deep Blue]

Hi all,
Well MoonBeam, now I'm trying to build on that revelation. I don't have to take responsibility for it happening... but maybe I can take responsibility for my healing?

Tough session today.  We are back to exposure. Problem with my triggers is that if I expect to see them, I'm usually ok. It sort of needs to catch me off guard.

My friend on the forum made a really good point to me today.
**** Trigger Warning*** PA




That belt is not what hurt me. The trunk of the car is not what hurt me.  It was the abusers that hurt me. So I have that in my mind as I try to move forward

End trigger warning ********

So my T wants me to read a book.  I guess this book has a particular graphic scene in it that is one of my triggers. She wants me to read the whole book, not just that scene.  So I won't be startled... I know it will be coming but yeah I'm still scared.  My mind goes crazy sometimes and I'm dragging my feet a bit and have not picked up the book.  So yeah...

I'm scared... I wish I was more brave.  I know I need to keep moving. I know in the future I would love to not be thrown sideways by seeing a belt on the floor... I'm just scared of it still though.... what if this stuff makes me backslide?

[Jdog]

Ah, Deep Blue, I am sorry you are so afraid.  But you seem to have a good enough ability to both trust your therapist and also to handle some of life's challenges.  Remind yourself of times you have been brave and that the bravery has paid off.  I expect you won't have to think very hard in order to come up with an example or two.

Exposure can be hard, like jumping into icy water.  But you are capable of bouncing back from any shock which arises.  I believe in you.

[Three Roses]

First of all, I'm really happy to see you using the words for the objects. That's progress! 

You say you wish you were more brave, but bravery cannot exist where there is no fear. You are already more brave than you know. Someday you will see just how brave you've been, and how brave you are.

And if it that book does throw you for a loop - well, it's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up. What's that quote - "They tried to bury us, but they did not know that we were seeds."

And this poem also comes to mind, for you -

You are not your abuse.
You are not what they did to you.
You are not your trauma.

You are the cleverness that survived.
You are the courage that escaped.
You are the power that hid and protected a tiny spark of your light.

You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love,
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.

(I can't find the author of that poem )

[Tee]

I want to second 3R facing fear is hard but if you trust your therapist then don't let your fear keep you down and keep you from over coming.  Taking control and getting back up will one baby step at a time on the healing journey.

[Sceal]

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat

This quote by Roosevelt lifts me up when I am scared. But more importantly when it bothers me that I am scared and question my bravery. I hope it can give you a little comfort too.
Because you are brave. You are in the arena fighting.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Yes you are right! Exposure is similar to jumping in icy water. I'd rather just check the temp with my foot but the point of this assignment is that I jump in.  I went and got the book and began it today. I'm not that far yet, but I do like the author.

3R thanks sweetie,
Yes I had to take a deep breath but yes I am using words for the offensive objects.  It's all part of the process right?    thanks for noticing.  It just shows how well you have come to know me my dear. 

Tee,
Thanks for your supportive words.  They are much appreciated.

Sceal,
Wow I have missed you! I love how you just speak to my heart.  That post was just perfect.  It gives me strength too and I'm so grateful you shared it with me.  Thanks for all you are honey 

——————————————
Busy but productive day today.  I was up early and went for a run.  The sun was out and I was able to clear my head a bit. 

Then I went to the library and got the book and went grocery shopping.

I even started reading the book a bit.  Tomorrow I am looking forward to as well. Haircut for my son in the morning then rock painting together! Fun fun!

Feeling positive today and stronger 

[Tee]

Painting rocks is fun they hide them on trails and stuff around where I'm from for people to find.  My kids love finding them and re-hiding them.

Glad today was better!

Keep moving forward one step at a time.

[Jdog]

Running in the morning is definitely the most cathartic thing I get to do, and I am happy that you had that joy today as well.

You sound positive and energized.  I'm so happy for the change in your inner weather.

[Not Alone]

I went and got the book and began it today. I'm not that far yet, but I do like the author.

Brave step.
Have fun rock painting!

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

sweetie,

i remember when you had to summon up the courage to even begin writing a journal here.  now, as 3r mentioned, you're to the point where you are naming those objects.  you've come a long way in a short time.  that takes bravery.  this next phase of your recovery, too, will be met w/ that same bravery you continue to show, not only to us but to yourself.  you can trust it, it's part of you that you just weren't familiar w/ before - at least, that's how i see it. 

and we're here to help support you, help you to know your bravery even when you're not feeling it.  good luck w/ the book - i hope it's helpful for you.  i thought that was an interesting concept, to read that now so you won't be startled later.  your t seems to definitely be looking out for you, helping you make progress w/ care.  sending love and a hug full of courage to draw on whenever you need it.

[MoonBeam]

Hey Deep Blue,  Just wanted to say I'm so glad you are feeling positive and stronger. It does seem often this journey is about building resiliency. And so good to see how much progress has been made on your path to recovery.

I'll be thinking of you as you make your way through the book. You are so brave and you are strong.