Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Deep Blue]

Not alone,
Yes not sleeping well is such a huge thing for me.  It seems to snowball when I don't get enough sleep.  I wonder if those of us with cptsd need more sleep? I dunno... just a thought.

Tee,
That's a really good example for the Christmas lights.  I'm sorry it's my favorite color though ha ha.  Yeah that's my goal. I want to be able to avert my eyes and move past it. I want to not get bucked off the horse if I stumble across the offensive objects.  It's bound to happen in life and it's knocked me down quite a few times.

San,
Thanks for reminding me about my journal title ha ha.  Yes you are right. If you say I've been working hard, then it must be true.  I bet it is an inner critic thing... I'm not sure who I'm comparing myself to? Just everyone?  I just wish I could fast forward to a couple of those wounds being healed enough ya know?

3R,
I slept last night!!!! Yay!
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Glad to get a good nights sleep. I didn't have any flashback nightmares and didn't wake up soaked in sweat! Quite the improvement for the last few days.

I did have a strange dream though. I dreamt that my husband was in the waiting area outside my T's office. He asked what I was doing there. I said I came to see him.  I was hiding the fact that my T was in the office.  So out came my T and she was with 2 people. She was with 2 boys but they were younger.

She let me sit at a table next to her while meeting with these 2 boys. It was strange, kinda like they were filling out paperwork as a first assessment. I just sat at the table on her side with my head buried in my arms. She wasn't acting like herself... not like she usually is. She was acting more like a parent or friend.  She was assessed these 2 boys but gently rubbing my back in the dream.  (That is so not our relationship as she is a constant professional that would never touch me)

Anyway I'm glad to have gotten sleep. Not sure what the dream meant??

[Not Alone]

I slept last night!!!! Yay!
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Glad to get a good nights sleep. I didn't have any flashback nightmares and didn't wake up soaked in sweat! Quite the improvement for the last few days.

Interesting dream.    My T doesn't touch me either, which is hard for me sometimes because touch is a way that I feel cared for. I'll let you take it from there! 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

so glad you slept!!!      so important.  i don't know if c-ptsd'ers need more sleep.  i know that i do, or it seems like i do cuz i don't get a full amount during the night, so naps are the way i make up regular sleep time i've missed.  but, it could be that because we're working so hard mentally and emotionally, we just may need, at least more rest, than someone not working that hard.

interesting dream.  were you lying to your hub in it?  i wonder if you're getting ready to look at some childhood stuff, which would be the younger boys.  hmmm . .. .  don't really know, tho.  just a thought.  is that type of touching something you'd want from your t? 

i'm with notalone on the touching - i always appreciated a hug when a session was finished.  it felt like a closure and a way that i felt real in the relationship. 

keep going, sweetie.  sounds like you're making progress.  it's wonderful!  sending love and a hug full of joy for you!   

[Three Roses]

I never wanted to be touched by my therapists. The one time I did was my very last visit with a beloved, gifted t before I moved away from that area.

I also need more sleep than average - or is it just that our whole culture under emphasizes the need for adequate sleep?🤔

Maybe finding your h in the waiting room means that you are feeling vulnerable with him knowing more details about your background? And I wonder who or what those two boys represent - are they younger versions of your husband?

I want to rush my healing, I think that's a common desire. But if we do too much too soon we can sabotage it. Go easy, my friend, you'll get there soon enough.

On days that I'm feeling vulnerable, I like to slip rocks, little "totems", into my pocket, or purse or whatever. Reminders that I'm strong enough. If they're in my pocket I can feel them there as a gentle reminder. I've always loved stones, even as a kid. It helps me, I've heard other friends say it helps them too. One friend makes jewelry from stone beads like jasper or amethyst. That way she can both see and feel the symbolic strength. Just an idea. 

Much love and admiration to you -

[Tee]

Yeah for sleep!
I hope you have a great day.  Keep moving forward. I'm sure you got this!

[Jdog]

I, too, am sorry you cannot count on your husband when things are rough for you.  I have some experience with that type of situation myself, although things are better these days (not perfect, but better).  Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.

Great job running a 5k while going through all that you have been through lately.  I'm impressed! 

[Deep Blue]

Notalone,
I'm funny about people touching me. I do have people that are constantly intruding on my bubble.  Certain places are fine... My lower back is forever a no no.

San and 3R
Hmmm yeah I'm not sure who the younger boys would have represented? They were a different race than my husband so I don't think they were a younger him or me? Yes I was hiding and lying to my husband in the dream.  I dunno, I do feel like I need to look into it a bit more.

3R I like the totem idea. I have one at school that has the word Hope on it.  Maybe I need to find a piece of nature that speaks to me and carry that?  It's a lovely concept. I'm gonna give it a try 

Tee,
Thanks for the support sweetie!

Jdog,
Yeah, I'm forever gun shy to tell my husband my real emotions.  He can be very hot and cold and that's rattling to me.  I'm used to kinda suffering in silence when I'm down and even though he knows I have cptsd now.....he doesn't know why... hasn't asked... never asks... how you doing? Nothing
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Lack of sleep and overdoing it has caught up to me I'm afraid. My body is achy and I'm sick. I hope it's just a quick summer cold.  The body aches are so hard though.

I'm supposed to play some tennis this afternoon but luckily it's inside in the air conditioning. 

Right now I'm relaxing and watching some Wimbledon. 

love you all!

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

please take care of yourself.  overdoing is one of my worst symptoms, i think.  very difficult to just sit back and heal.

my totem is feathers - i find them as i walk, put them in various places around the house.  i was also given a painted rock by a dear friend that sits next to my bed and has often reminded me to 'trust the magic', allow the process to unfold, stop worrying and have faith.   they all remind me that there's more to me than meets the eye, more to life than my attempts to control it.  i hope you find something that speaks to you.

enjoy the tennis, both on tv and while you play today.  sending love and a hug full of healing.   

[Jdog]

 

[Not Alone]

Hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself.

[Deep Blue]

😩😩😩😩😩
Thanks for the well wishes everyone... had something really knock me this afternoon.

****Trigger warning mention of unwanted sexual advances *****



Back in November a coworker got really drunk and started hitting on me.  It was hard because he is married and I am married. He was in a dark place and I was worried about him doing something rash. 

Either way that night he sent me inappropriate texts and was starting to get handsy with me.  I came home that night having escaped an uncomfortable evening.  I told my husband everything.

My husband read the texts and said it wasn't my fault at all. So I kept my distance from the coworker for the rest of the year....

Good news was also that the coworker has been moved to a different building next year.

Well this afternoon the coworker messaged me through Facebook. May I also mention he unfriended in December after that night.

Well here is what he messaged me today:
I was told recently you were upset about a text I sent last year.  I wanted to let you know I would never send anything inappropriate on purpose.  If I did, it was because alcohol was involved and I certainly didn't intend to be that way.  I'm not that type of person.  It bothers me you didn't simply say something to me about it, I could've easily apologized or cleared it up back then.  Anyhow, I am truly sorry if I said something offensive, like I said, would never do that intentionally in a normal state of mind.  I had no idea this even happened.


😤😭😨😱
I have so many mixed emotions here.  I feel like his message is only a half apology and that I'm being gas lighted!!! My inner critic is telling me I'm being too sensitive, that I should just accept his apology and move on...

Which is right? Should I be upset? Is my inner critic right? Where do I go from here?

[Tee]

Personally I would say ok thank you, but still keep my distance. You haven't lost anything in the year you have not had contact with him you don't need him.  Alcohol is not a good excuse for bad behavior.  Jerks are still jerks with our without alcohol it just makes it more obvious at least in my experience.

I would not rush back into any kind of relationship with him. If you feel you need to respond I would simply say thank you for your apology and leave it at that.

Good luck with whatever you decide.  I wouldn't give an opening to allow further discomfort or hurt.

[Not Alone]

Whatever you feel is okay. You did not do anything wrong in the way that you handled this initially. In fact, you handled it with wisdom. Him being upset that you didn't talk to him when this happened is HIS problem, not yours. You have no responsibility to respond to his email. If it is best for you to respond, fine; if it is best to ignore it, fine. No need to do anything in a hurry either. Also, I just re-read his response and it does sound like a sort-of apology without taking responsibility for his actions. Trust yourself, Deep Blue.

[Jdog]