Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Jdog]

 

[Deep Blue]

My T was able to fit me in tonight at 7. She wasn't even working in her office today and still saw me.  I feel so needy and pitiful that I needed her to see me so desperately.

3R, Jdog and Hope,
Thanks for the love and hugs.  I will hold it all close to me tonight.

I'm going to break my silence tonight. Tonight is the night that I tell my husband... I can't fight this alone anymore... not if I want to come out ahead... I'm going to tell him I have cptsd, I'm not gonna tell him details but it's a start...
Here goes nothin... (well here goes everything)

[Three Roses]

You are strong and courageous. I'm cheering from the sidelines. 

[Jdog]

Cheering for my brave friend!

[Hope67]

You are strong, and wishing you the best with this.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Deep Blue, I just want to offer you my best wishes here, if that is OK. It seems like you are doing very well.

SaB

[Deep Blue]

3R, Jdog, Hope, and SaB,
Thanks so much for your support.

I told my husband last night.  I'm not feeling quite like I expected I would but I suppose I can't predict the future.

I thought I would feel like a weight was lifted, like now I don't have to hide it from him anymore.  That is not how I feel though... don't get me wrong, I feel supported by him... it's just that I feel more exhausted than I thought I would.

So yeah... he didn't ask questions. I didn't offer to answer any either. I told him I hate talking about it and that I only really tell my T about it.  I was worried that I've been in therapy for 3 years and be had never once asked why.

Me waiting 3 years to tell him was (surprisingly) a non-issue.  He said he just figured I would tell him when I was ready.  He said he didn't want to pry.

I took some stuff to help me sleep last night.  I did sleep but I was trapped in the nightmares and couldn't wake up either. 

In my head I know that this is progression.  My heart needs to catch up I think though...

Much love to you all

[Hope67]

Much love to you, Deep Blue.  Glad you were able to tell your husband, and that he listened to you.  I think it's understandable that you feel exhausted now - as that must have taken quite a lot of energy to do that.  Be kind to yourself.  I hope you can rest and get some relaxation.  Sending you a gentle hug of support  if that's ok.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

  Just waking up or I'd write something. You're awesome. 

[Not Alone]

That was a really big step in telling your husband. You debated telling him for a long time and it was a big risk, so understandable why you are exhausted. It was really hard and scary and you did it. 

I feel so needy and pitiful that I needed her to see me so desperately

You are needy, 1) because you are human, 2) everything you are dealing with. You do have needs and that is okay. You are NOT pitiful. You are a precious person. Sounds like your therapist cares about you a great deal and is invested in helping you.

[MoonBeam]

Hey Deep Blue.  That's super frustrating to have to hold the news form your co-worker. I think I understand why it's so hard. It's so important to me to feel upright and clear with my interactions with others. It's about integrity. Maybe too cause manipulation was such a part of keeping us quiet and complacent in the abuse we suffered, we have little or no tolerance for it now.

Wow!!! You are so brave and amazing for sharing your truth with your husband. I shared recently about my CPTSD with a friend of 11 years, my only close friend. I felt super exposed and fearful after, but she still loves me and we are closer now because of it. Three years is a good while to hold that secret from your husband. It makes sense it would take a little while for your body and emotional self to process your brave action. Rest and take care of you. You deserve extra support and love! Definitely a sign of progress that you could ask for help from your T and receive it as well, and speak your truth!  We're here for you, cheering you on. 

[Deep Blue]

My head is spinning! 

Around 40 involuntary transfers in my districts yesterday.  People are reeling. I'm sort of effected but get to stay in my own building.  So many people freaking out and I'm trying to steer clear of the insanity.

Deep breaths I gotta get through this week till I find out what I'm teaching

[Three Roses]

Yikes!

[Jdog]

Jeez I am sorry to hear about the involuntary transfers.  Very sad.  My district is coming apart at the seams - will be taken over by the state if the budget cannot be balanced - and we had a teacher strike day last month with another possible day next week. It's very hard to do the day to day job amidst uncertainty and chaos.  Sending you those deep breaths as your schedule becomes clear to you!

[MoonBeam]

Hang in Deep Blue.  Thinking of you.