Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Sceal]

I just want to second what San said. So well put! You've come far, Deep Blue. 

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Our rocks turned out really awesome! Too awesome maybe? My son doesn't want to give them up.  He loved his ninja turtle rocks too much to hide them.

Jdog,
I really wanna run tomorrow morning but the weather is supposed to be really hot and also rainy... so to be continued.

Not alone,
Rock painting was fun for both of us. I'd like to do it again some time.

Hey San,
Thanks for the encouragement. It's always good to get other people's perspectives in healing. Your especially 

MoonBeam,
Started the book and I'm afraid I'm not doing that well today.  Didn't sleep last night... kinda wondering what to do... keep reading? Give it a break? I dunno.

Sceal,
Thanks friend. Your support is so validating to me. Love ya!
——————————-
Not doin that well today. 

Started the book a couple days ago... got to an awful part yesterday and then put it away.  Didn't sleep well at all last night.

I tossed and turned and had flashback nightmares.  I'm hoping for some solid sleep tonight.  One of the nightmares I had last night was me sitting in bathtub hiding.  Is was an emotional mess and calling my T in the dream.  Due to the holiday, Im not seeing her this week.  I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  I felt alone.

My husband knows now... but I still don't feel ready to go to him... so I'm just in a strange place today.  Any insights welcome 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie,

from what you've said, this is not a fun book, and you're not reading it for enjoyment.  it seems that you may want to take a break from it till you re-stabilize.  cowering in a bathtub, well, sounds like you're desperate for some protection.  i don't know the issues that are being talked about while you're reading, but it does sound like you are reacting negatively to them.  i think it's ok to put it down for a bit.  as someone else was saying, pushing yourself over the edge usually does not end well.

take a breath, inhale, exhale, what do you want to do?  'you' and 'want' are the operative words here.  this is your recovery, your pace.  you know you best of all.

sending lots of love and a hug filled w/ support and validation.   

[Tee]

Just curious what book is it?

I agree with San though especially if you can't talk with your T you might want to take a small break unless you think continuing would move you past it in the book and help you in some way.

I hope you can sleep better tonight!

[Deep Blue]

My sweet San 
Yep you are right! I'm doing all I can to re-stabilize. I like how you put that.   Yep that's the plan and the goal 

Tee,
The book is called "A Thousand Splendid Suns" people actually read and enjoy the author but I'm reading it as an exercise of exposure.  It has parts in it that deal with PA with the most offensive object to me. 
———————————————
I gave up and texted my T today. I told her I'm done and not reading it anymore. I told her I tried.  She wants me to keep going. I argued that it's the nightmares and that I basically get zero sleep!!! She asked how that was different than most nights?

I said my sleep is choppy but I sleep! I got none! Zip! Zero after this book!!! She offered to talk me down tonight if k wake up from nightmares.  It was sweet but I'm not doing that. Honestly, I'd rather not talk to anyone during or after a panic attack.... not sure why I deny help... she wouldn't offer if she didn't mean it right?

Deep breaths... just trying to keep on keeping on today

[Three Roses]

  Good for you to say what you're able to tolerate!

I was interested in your dream where you're in a bathtub. I'm very intrigued by the imagery of dreams. I thought of cleansing, warmth, safety, and nurturing when I thought of your tub dream. It's like you knew where to hide, even in your dreams, for the best result.

But if your t thinks it best to continue exposing you this way, maybe you could reach some sort of compromise... Like, a few minutes of peaceful relaxation, followed by a paragraph or page, followed by some music or a walk. Just my 2 cents. Remember that you are brave and strong! 💪

[Tee]

She wouldn't offer if she wasn't willing deepblue.  You know you though if it's too much then slow down.  I've been functioning in 4 or less hours of sleep for about 4 years now.  And those for hours are riddled with flashbacks and nightmares so I feel your pain.  If your T is willing to walk with you through this I would give it a try.  But don't push too hard.  I just know I would be willing to try just about anything to get back to a restful nights sleep.  Feel my love 

[Jdog]

Blue-

I have no way in which to form an opinion which would count in this situation, but I am sending you oodles of support and love.  Let us know how it goes tonight. 

Be true to yourself, that's about all any of us can do.

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue. I want to say how brave you are, how strong and amazing for even giving this a go. You are showing up even though it is so scary and unsettling. You have persevered through feeling destabilized and there is great strength in that. Only you know when you have reached your limit and you get to say when that is. That does't mean you can't pick up the book again after a rest or break if that's what will help you gain insight, strength and healing.

Part of this journey in healing is being courageous in trying new and scary things, and it is also knowing our boundaries--considering we weren't allowed to have any in our abuse, that's huge, and forging ahead in ways we feel held and safe. That feels really important. We want to take our power back, to reclaim our right to be, to feel safe and worthy walking in this world, this life.

My T offered to have a phone session with me today while she's on vacation--so many big feels about that. Why can't I make it through the week, blaa blaa-inner critic. Truth is, she knows her boundaries and would not offer extra care if she could not give it. If its what we need to make it through deep work--like you are doing, maybe accepting is the best way forward. It will be different and different seems the way to realign those neural pathways that developed in such unhealthy ways during the abuse we suffered. We deserve support especially when we are forging through new territory.

Just wanted to you to know I am standing with you, reveling in your bravery and courage no matter what that looks like. Big loving 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I am also standing with you    It sounds like a very tough thing to do, reading that book, when it is so triggering to you.  Sending you some gentle and hopefully soothing balms to protect you.  I honestly don't know why I've written that, but it came into my mind - so I'm leaving it there.  I hope that you will be ok, and I would like to send you a hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

3R,
I've been trying to give myself breaks from reading the book when it's too triggering.  I can typically keep it together while reading, it's just at night.  Good news is, I took an hour nap today with no nightmares! I'll take it 

Thanks Tee,
Yeah I'm just reluctant to "need" my T. Does that make sense? I mean I've been with her for 3 years! I get frustrated cuz I feel like I should be further along.  My rational brain knows it's just an object... but my fight or flight kicks in anyway 

Jdog,
All your opinions count to me! Thanks for the support always. I woke up at 1:30 last night and that was about it. Didn't get back to sleep till about 2 hours later... and even then it was choppy. I could have texted my T... but I didn't. I can't even explain why.

MoonBeam,
Yes you are right. It's new territory and it's super scary to me.  You may be right about the reason I'm not contacting my T. Maybe it is my inner critic? Similar reasons.... hmmm

Hey Hope,
I think I know exactly why you wrote that. You are actually right on too! A balm for the body memories that get stirred up by this book may be just the ticket.

———————-
Did a 5k this morning. It was the most tired I've ever been for a race. I was dragging hard.

Then I came home and we were headed back to the race for a parade and festival.  Unfortunately my husband was in one of his moods. It's hard when my T encourages me to go to him for support when he's acting like that.  He was rude and yelled and I find it triggering. And do I tell him? Nope! Feeling so drained today and that I don't have support where I need it

[Not Alone]

Yeah I'm just reluctant to "need" my T. Does that make sense? I mean I've been with her for 3 years! I get frustrated cuz I feel like I should be further along. 

I get this. I feel guilty when I email my T.  I hate that I count the days until I see him. Hate that I need him so much.

Did a 5k this morning. It was the most tired I've ever been for a race. I was dragging hard.

Then I came home and we were headed back to the race for a parade and festival.  Unfortunately my husband was in one of his moods. It's hard when my T encourages me to go to him for support when he's acting like that.  He was rude and yelled and I find it triggering. And do I tell him? Nope! Feeling so drained today and that I don't have support where I need it

No surprise that you were tired. You haven't been sleeping well, you are emotionally strained, and ---don't know where you live----but many areas are very hot and humid. Congratulations on completing the race. 
Sorry your husband wasn't able to be giving to you today.

[Tee]

I get not wanting to need your T but we all need help and that's what they are there for. 

Ok so little side story so when I pregnant with both my kids I didn't really have morning sickness to bad with either of them lucky I know.  The weirdest thing was the bright blue Christmas lights made me nauseous. Like the worst kind.  Now at the time my trauma was still well repressed and boxed up. Every year since those lights have bothered me.  My kids are 11 and almost 7.  Fast forward to when I started dealing with my past there's a horrific memory attached to only being able to light with a bright blue hue to it. I was being triggered before I knew I had issues is was the only thing that made me sick.  They still trigger me and for the most part I've work through that trauma faced it I know they are just stupid lights.  It didn't change the fact that they were used to in such a manner that I will always have scars from them.

Like you with whatever it is you are dealing with. You can face it deal with the trauma get to the point that is not as severe, but it may always bother you. 

I can at least drive at Christmas time now for a while I couldn't cause if I saw those lights I was so badly triggered I was no longer in the present.  I now can breathe through it advert my eyes and move past it.  I don't get sucked in. Sometimes I'll have flashbacks later but I'm trying.

Sorry for the long example, just wanted to say it's not stupid to be triggered by an object that you can logically say it's just a ... Cause for you it's not just that. Give yourself some grace and time to heal. Everything takes longer than we want.  Big hug if that's ok.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie,

sorry that your hub isn't reliable for you to be able to go to for support.  i wish it were different.

it sounds to me like you have some topics for discussion w/ your t next time you see her.  i think it might be helpful for both of you - it might trigger some insight for you, and help her more thoroughly understand you and what you go thru, which would in turn help her know more clearly how to continue helping you move forward.  just an opinion.

i didn't realize you were having body memories triggered from reading this book.  that sucks!  have you told your t about that?  that it's not just mental/emotional memories?  and, to my mind, the reason we go to a t in the first place is because we need someone w/ more knowledge about how to keep battling and winning.  you've made plenty of progress in the past 3 yrs.  who are you comparing yourself to?  or, who do you think is doing the comparing?  would that be an inner critic thing? 

that 'fight or flight' thing, isn't that amygdala hijacking?  you have no control over that.  the wound needs to be healed enough, from what i understand, before the amygdala gets the message.  i remembered being triggered by a t just 2 yrs. ago, it was instantaneous.  i said something, she said something that kind of contradicted what i said, and boom!  i was back to being about 5 yrs. old.  that authority figure stuff is something i've worked on for years and years.  yet, it didn't take much.  i did talk to her about it after i worked thru it (5 days later), she backtracked a bit.  but i was surprised at how quickly it came, like i was blindsided.  i would've never guessed that would have happened.

please, give yourself a break and don't be hard on yourself.  you are working hard, you are making progress (isn't that what the title of your journal is all about?), and that all counts.   it's ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to 'need' someone as you go thru this.   the client is never wrong or bad.  the assignment may be too much at the time and may need to be broken down into smaller pieces.   your system is taking care of you as best it can.

sending love always, and angel wings to bat away those memories as they show up. 

[Three Roses]

Good news is, I took an hour nap today with no nightmares! I'll take it