Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Deep Blue]

Reeling this evening:

Feeling down... really down. I had a session today but I feel that depressive cloud coming back in....  I texted my T to tell her.

She messaged me back:
Do you think it's possible that you are using this as a distraction from the exposure stuff that you are wanting to avoid? You are good at distracting the cptsd with depression. I can think of times in the past when you have put yourself into a depressive episode right when we have been delving into the tough stuff

So what? I'm doing this to myself? Is it purposeful? Does it just happen? All I know is if I do it to myself then I feel overwhelming shame and I loathe myself 

[Tee]

  I think that was worded badly.  I think because of the cptsd we self sabotage at times. Not because we intend to but because our parts are not ready to face the next scary step. As horrible as our current treachery is it familiar and thus less scary.

No self loathing no matter what you don't put yourself into EF's or depression on purpose.

Hugs deep blue!

[SharpAndBlunt]

  I agree completely with Tee, Deep Blue, I think that your therapist's text was very clumsy and badly worded. Perhaps they wrote it and sent it too quickly?

I hope you don't mind I just wanted to chip in because I recognise that piercing feeling of shame and self loathing. Whatever else, we did not choose this and do not do this to ourselves. The feelings we deal with in the aftermath are tough enough and (for me) shame is one of the worst. Be careful with it and try to be easy around it, it stinks! It will fade.. I think Tee's observation about facing a scary part is probably spot on 

Meantime all I can do is send some wishes of peace and calm to you, hoping that is OK.

[Jdog]

I'm seconding SharpandBlunt in sending wishes for peace and calm.  Yes, shame and self loathing (I have LOTS of experience here) stinks and yes, it can pass eventually.  I see myself having done things in the rather recent past as a distraction from healthier/healing actions and I also have felt shame over them.  But no, I didn't do them on purpose.  They were more like conditioned responses, reactions to how the younger me was feeling.  Methods of coping.  So I guess we need to thank ourselves for at least trying something to make ourselves feel safe or normal or not so hurt. 

I forget the source of the quote, "When I knew better, I did better", but it calls to me at the moment.  Maybe Maya Angelou.....

[sanmagic7]

i agree with the others.  i don't think we 'put' ourselves into these conditions, either.  our traumas often have a mind of their own and we can only continue healing our wounds until these kinds of things diminish.  sending love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
When I read what you've been through and how your T responded, there were parts of me that were distressed, because it's upsetting to have someone react with a suggestion of self-sabotaging - it's as if the T doesn't realise the complexity of C-PTSD, and the fact that there are likely to be many reactions and possible ways to be, and it doesn't mean someone is doing something deliberately.  Sorry - I am struggling with words here, as there's an angry part too, which is feeling angry towards the T.  But maybe she didn't think through her text to you - she didn't stop to consider things - she just sent it.

I would like to say that I hope you'll not let the text override things - and that you'll be able to talk about how you felt with your T.  Because then maybe she will understand better.  Then she can help you more.

Sending you a gentle hug of support, Deep Blue, and I hope you're ok. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks everyone,

Your thoughts help... but I'm still feeling terrible.  Went back to bed and didn't want to get up.  Slacked on my duties and ditched my son with my In-laws...

It hurts to smile

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry you're hurting right now. 

i'm with hope - i've got a little anger thing going right now, too.

you don't have to smile w/ us - we get it.

please take care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs, always.   

[Tee]

  take care of you deep blue we are here for you.

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue, I'm so sorry that happened. I agree, your T was not careful with her words in her text to you. Perhaps after some reflection, she may become aware of that. Its especially hard because trust is such a hurdle to overcome with cptsd and often our T's are the only people we have come to trust. Mistakes are made. We're all human and relational ruptures happen. I've worked through one with my T. The upside is we worked through it and were able to move ahead on stronger footing after. It did take some processing though, so I encourage you to be as honest as you can, when you are ready, with how you are feeling regarding the exposure t and her communication.

I've been reading a bit about exposure therapy for trauma and like so many other modalities, there is very little out there specifically related to complex trauma. I don't think for myself, that modality would facilitate a safe environment for healing for me personally. And its' not that I think you can't do it if it's the right path for you. I totally believe you can. You've shown so much bravery and perseverance, I'm just wondering if maybe its a little too much too fast. Only you know this and you can trust your instincts around the work.

I'm really wanting to say, you have done nothing wrong. You are amazing. I'm not really sure what "distracting the cptsd with depression" means, as they pretty much go hand in hand for me. I am depressed because of my cptsd. Sorry I'm writing so much. I just really want to support you.

I want to say again, you are amazing! You are not distracting or shying away. Sounds to me like you have shown up and followed directions and really tried through all of it. You deserve credit, not admonishment. You deserve to feel safe. Healing is hard. You deserve rest right now Deep Blue and having your son spend some time with your in-laws sounds like good self-care to me. Hang in there. I'm sending lots of love 

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Thanks for the support. I do feel like cptsd makes me self sabotage sometimes.  I guess I'm becoming more aware of the patterns that lead to it now too.

SAB,
Thanks for your kind words    I really appreciate them.  I'm trying to be easier on myself today.

Jdog,
Yes conditioned response rings true for me    I can't help what's going to throw me into an EF... but I see the patterns of what does.

San,
Love you! Thanks for always looking out for me and steering me through.  What would I do without you?

Hope,
Thanks so much for your kind words.  My T checked on me yesterday and was able to see me again today.  We talked about what she had written.  I told her how I interpreted what she said and she's going to help me do exposure with her on Monday.

MoonBeam,
I really got scared about exposure.  We've tried it a few times and it's sent me into an EF every time.  So I finally put the pieces together and told my T, the fact that she wants me to do exposure (which is something I don't want to do) sends me into an EF because it goes back to my PA growing up.  My abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

Does that make sense?
—————————————————-
Starting to feel better this evening.  The urge to SH is almost gone.

I'm seeing my T Monday and she promised that we could do our first step of exposure together.  I'm supposed to look at pictures of people in the trunk of cars.  Ugh... at least it's a ways away. 

love you all! Thanks so much for your help and support the last couple days.  It's hard to believe people care about me when I don't care for myself.. thanks for your care

[Tee]

Try to enjoy the rest of your week.  I agree it's hard to feel the love sometimes when I can't love myself. 

It's so much easier to care for others though.  I hope you can feel my heart felt hug.  You matter and I hope you have some peace the rest of the week.

[sunflower38]

Hi Deep Blue, I really wish you all the best and I hope next week isn't as bad as you think it's going to be! I'm cheering for you 

[Three Roses]

I care about you! Honest! ❤️

[Sceal]