Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Jdog]

My hope is that will happen for you as well, DB.  Sending warm thoughts 

[Tee]

  good luck deepblue! I'm sure you will do Great!  What age do you teach?
Remember the will be excited to learn the news rules of the class and to see what new things will be about for the year? I'm sure it'll be fantastic!

My thoughts will be with you!

[Sceal]

I hope that you going back to work will make everyday a little easier for you. With seeing your students again and doing what you care about.

If it proves too hard, we'll be here to listen.
Remember you are not alone.

[Deep Blue]

Back to school today,
Forgive me if I'm around here less in these upcoming weeks.

I've never felt like this before. I've never felt so alone going back to school.  My best friend is gone. She moved to be a librarian after there was a reduction in our teachers workforce. I didn't really have a good friend to sit with during our meetings. I feel sad when I think about school this year.

I see my students on Wednesday. Today was just meetings.  During 1 meeting there was 12 college credit plus teachers and the principal all yelling at each other.  I didn't say a word. I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack or throw up. I found them all yelling at each other very triggering.

Tee, I teach mostly 11th and 12th grade.

Anyway sorry if I don't respond to as many of your journals as I usually do. I'm just feeling a bit lost.

[Tee]

  teachers should know better than to act like that really .  I taught online high school math for 6 years... Well kinda my Pollyanna side did. I did a couple of times but for the most part let her do the teaching stuff.  Which is mostly why I'm not teaching anymore now that she's gone.  I'm sorry your friend is gone that makes it hard I'm sure.   . I'm sure it'll get better once your students are there. hopefully you'll have students interested in learning.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

As a fellow high school teacher, I can imagine how awful it must have been having all the staff and principal yelling in what sounds like an awful meeting.  You have already been through so much this year and this is an unexpected and unpleasant thing made doubly so by all that has come before.....

I want to echo the idea that seeing students may be just the right thing to dispel these icky feelings. Let's keep that foremost in our minds.  And I will not mind at all if you have to step back from this site.  Take care of you.

[Three Roses]

I'll be thinking of you this week, DB. 

[Snowdrop]

I've been in meetings like that and find them so triggering and hard to deal with. I'm sure things will get better once the students are back and you can focus on teaching. 

[Sceal]

 A big and a Cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream.
Let's sit awhile in quiet together and watch the stars.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Sceal, that sounds wonderful.

School started today.  I've been go go going for about 2 days straight.  It was tough.

The first couple weeks of school are kind of like getting back in shape.  My legs, feet and voice become sore.  I'm exhausted today.  It was good to see my kids... but boy they struggled this summer. I want to pick them up and tell them it's going to be ok, but that just isn't the reality for many of them.  Many of them had their homes wrecked by tornadoes and we just are getting back to life post mass shootings.

I wish I wasn't struggling so much myself. It's hard to see them now.. back at school.  They come to me for help just like they always do.  I'm just worried that I won't have enough to give when they need it so much now. 

[Tee]

  that's a tough spot to be in but I'm sure being there is a comfort to them. A familiar caring face.  I'm sure they will lean on each other and you will all make it through.  I will be thinking of you and cheering you on. one day at a time.  Sometimes kids become stronger when they realize that teachers and parents are human and hurting too.  So don't put to much pressure on you it's ok show that you are human too a little.

[sanmagic7]

i think it's part of a shared experience for all of you.  i don't think you have to be super human.  like tee said, just the fact that you're there is a comfort.  you will be enough.  it's tough for all of you.  sending love and a hug filled with healing   

[MoonBeam]

 

Deep Blue, I'm thinking of you. I hope there is some ease in all of the tragedy of late. Give yourself extra love as well and perhaps that will filter through to those you are caring for too. 


MB

[Deep Blue]

Day 2 back to school and the kids look like the routine is already starting to benefit them.

Thank goodness.

I'm nervous about this weekend. Husband is gone... I'm beat from going back to work.  Even though I don't openly talk to my husband about trauma ever, it is just comforting to have him around. I always struggle more when he's gone and I'm not sure why.

I don't have therapy this coming Monday like usual cuz I'm going to the dentist.  My t said she would let me know if something opened up but I have not heard from her.  I hate this exposure stuff. 

My T asked me what it was about exposure that triggers negative thoughts in me.  I'm not sure... I have lots of self loathing for a couple days after each time.  I tend to freeze during the exposure and then end up kinda shutting down for the rest of the day. 

I just don't care about myself and can't understand why anyone would each time we do it...

I dunno... I'm rambling tonight and I'm not sure I'm being coherent
Night all

[Tee]

  routine is comforting just like having your H around.

I think freezing is probably pretty normal response.  I'm sure you do care but it's easier to freeze and try not to than to feel the emotions of caring for yourself in that moment.  At least that's how I've handled similar situations.  It's easier to dissociate than to stay in the moment with feelings.  It's hard and it's scary and hurts.  Baby steps deep blue baby steps.  I hope you have a restful weekend. I'll be thinking of you. And sending you good vibes.