Wall of Unbelief Collapsing *TW

[Not Alone]

I decided to share something that happened a couple of weeks ago; the impact is still with me.

I have struggled with believing my memories. My T said that my not believing myself has been a way for me to protect myself. That wall has been slowly coming down over the last year. A couple of weeks ago a large chunk was torn down. I am feeling raw and vulnerable, but it is also good. That wall that was there to protect me is now a weight and a burden.

Trigger Warning *********
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I had a flash memory of my grandfather forcing me to take a drink of alcohol. I told that to my T. It was very brief. We didn't talk about it much. It was a 5 second scene from my childhood. Six days after telling my therapist that memory, I was with my siblings and we were looking at photos. One of them told me that my Aunt had told her that her father (my grandfather) forced alcohol down her until she passed out. I hadn't told them my memory. My siblings know VERY LITTLE about my abuse. Their experience was different; apparently I was the selected one. Also, my sister said she missed our mother. I said that I know that their experience was very different, but mom gave me to grandpa. One of them said, "He (grandpa) must have really had her (mom) under his thumb that she sacrificed her daughter." I really was shocked that they didn't deny that she gave me to that monster or that they didn't defend her. So those two things: my aunt's memory similar to mine and my siblings reaction to my telling them that our mother gave me to grandfather, have caused a huge portion of my wall of unbelief (of my memories) to come crashing down.
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End trigger warning

I feel very shaky inside. Also, a bit like someone has turned a light on in a very dark room. Those things (stated above and much more) did happen to me. I'm not crazy. I am not making things up. I was abused. I was abused. I was abused.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Sending you a gentle hug of compassion, if that's ok    I have read what you wrote, and want to send you my support. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Sending all the support I can to you! You are not alone. 

[MoonBeam]

Notalone, thank you for sharing your experience. I so understand how you are feeling and want to send a supportive  if that's ok. You are so brave.

The abuse we experienced was terrible. It happened and it never should have. I've held onto denial for so long, tried so hard not to believe it was anything--was told it was nothing. I'm just starting to understand the extent of it all, beginning to remember, and it's heart-breaking. When I start to accept that the abuse happened, I start to feel the weight of the grief of it all. There is so much grief.

I know that wall you wrote about--what a huge thing it is to bring it down. You deserve so much love and support. Your words help me understand my own experience and that I feel the way I do for a reason--not because I'm crazy or any of the things I tell myself to stay alone in the dark and walled in, it's because I was abused.

[Kizzie]

I can well imagine you are feeling shaky Notalone... and yet you have shared what was once tucked away in a dark place inside, first with yourself, then with your T and now with us. You really aren't alone with all of this any more.

     

[Not Alone]

Hope, Three Roses, MoonBeam, Kizzie,

Thank you for hearing me, supporting me, understanding, and for the compassion and the hugs. To be believed and to be treated with kindness is nurturing to my heart. Here is a hug back to all of you. 

[Kizzie]

 

[woodsgnome]

  for you, notalone ...

I often relate well to images and metaphors, perhaps a remnant of my attempts to understand what couldn't be understood by words alone. So I hope you're okay with my sharing one scene that has stuck in my mind's image 'bank' and reappears when it seems needed. I often use these images as a variant for looking at those walls we build around our pain.

In this image, first picture a large desert-like area, out of an old western movie perhaps. But there is one distinctive feature -- one of those false building-fronts used in those sorts of movies. So what looks like a structure in the film is only a one-sided facade, and in back of that -- nothing there; just empty space.

Anyone standing in front of the facade sees only what appears as a real building exterior, while on the other side only a couple of supporting posts prop the thing up. Sometimes the front is just painted on, over a flat surface. Pop around the corner and one would see the facade immediately.

That's how I've come to regard walls when they appear in my life. Yes, they can seem formidable and solid, but on investigation one finds the 'wall' doesn't even need toppling, it's artificial to begin with; although it can still be intimidating and frightful. I've had similar images come to me in dreams, always pointing to other possibilities and often touching on themes of old images (walls and old houses are frequent parts of those scenarios).

Anyway, that's what popped into mind when I read your reflection on your own wall image, and how it's finally just tumbled over. Now you have the new (although troubling as well) image that's emerged.

[Not Alone]

Woodsgnome,
Thank you for the hug and for sharing your image of the false building. I am very visual so appreciate you sharing your image.

[sanmagic7]

your courage is incredible, notalone.  and, you definitely are not crazy.  what we've been put thru may be crazy-making, but that's part of what they needed for us to think and feel so they could continue doing what they did.

thank you for sharing.    filled with caring and compassion and lots of love

[alliematt]

Notalone, I have no words for you except ohhhhhh . . . . 

[Not Alone]

alliematt and sanmagic:
Your care is very appreciated and I am taking it in.