Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy

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LittleBoat

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Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« on: May 12, 2019, 05:07:26 PM »
It's been a while since I've posted, so thank you OOTS, as I don't know who to talk to today.  Mothers Day.  My mother (with whom I'm NC) was at least a Narc, although there might have been other pathologies operating, too.  She was an abused wife, and in turn, I was her abused daughter.   She was verbally and emotionally cruel to me, alternating with being neglectful.  I was pretty much trapped in a very messed up and dangerous household for most of my childhood.

My father, a sociopath, died a few years ago, and I have felt nothing but relief since I heard the news of his death.   It meant he couldn't hurt anyone anymore.  My mother is in her 90s, and she is still capable of wreckage and cruelty and dishonesty.  My aunt lives one property over from her.  My aunt is also in her 90s, but she is the only one in my family, who believes me about the extent of the abuse, as she was badly abused by my dad (her brother).   

Okay, that's enough back story for now.  Suffice to say that I TRIED.  It's one of the worst days of the year for me, but I really tried.  I woke up, determined to at least be pleasant, even if I felt triggered and traumatized.  I watched old movie musical numbers, worked out in my mind that I would make no major emotional demands upon myself, etc. 

Now I'm ready to break dishes.  See, I called my aunt this a.m., and wouldn't you know, she launched into a tirade about my mother being cruel to her.  I listened for a few minutes, and then reminded her that I am unable to talk about my mother, at all.  She has been aware of this, but she is old, and well, if a Narc sprays you with nerve gas, as my mother is doing to her, you're pretty worked up and need to, at least, vent. 

My mother is tricky.  Very tricky.  She might be hurting my aunt because it's satisfying to hurt my aunt.  But my sister might have mentioned to her that I was in contact with my aunt.  The little kid in me might be doing some magical thinking here, but is it possible that my mother is "killing two birds with one stone"?  She never liked my aunt, so hurting her would be satisfying, but is it possible she knows this is a way to get to me? 

I can't help wondering about this. 

I can't shake the suspicion. 

Anyway, here's all the best to the strong members of this wonderful board, Kizzie et al.  I am so so glad this space exists.  I've learned a lot because of it.  May we all have a comfortable day.  As comfortable as possible.  Thanks for listening.--LittleBoat


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Deep Blue

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Re: Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2019, 05:40:01 PM »
Hey LittleBoat,
Iíve missed you and hope you are doing ok even with today being motherís day.

IMO none of your auntís situation is your fault. You got away as best as you could. It sounds like your M hasnít changed and she continues to be mean to your aunt.  Again... that isnít your fault.

Sending you some clarity and support on this tough day for you

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Three Roses

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Re: Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2019, 05:46:58 PM »
I think your suspicions about abuse by proxy could be spot on. Hats off to you for standing your ground! Break a dish for me.   :bigwink:

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Kizzie

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Re: Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2019, 06:22:41 PM »
Quote
She never liked my aunt, so hurting her would be satisfying, but is it possible she knows this is a way to get to me? I can't help wondering about this. I can't shake the suspicion.
 

Just the fact that you have the suspicion speaks to what Mother's Day represents to you and many of us but you are very likely not wrong LittleBoat. People with NPD do use triangulation to spread their 'joy' to others through others.  Not something you want to hear or deal with today, makes it a difficult day to navigate but at least we can talk to one another about how it makes us feel  :grouphug: 

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notalone

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Re: Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2019, 06:30:06 PM »
You did a great job of planning for this day and doing what would be helpful to you. (movie, etc.) You had good boundaries with your aunt, telling her you couldn't talk about your mom. You are aware of your feelings and dealing with them by writing here. Not sure if you actually broke any dishes, but you are finding ways to express your feelings. I know it feels awful. I think you are handling it all in a healthy way. Supporting you through this difficult day.

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Kizzie

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Re: Mothers Day Abuse by Proxy
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2019, 05:29:50 PM »
 :yeahthat:       :grouphug: