Anxiety re friendship and romantic feelings

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi,

I have a friend who I'm really anxious around. I really like her and I enjoy spending time with her.

Early on in the friendship she told me she was afraid I 'wanted more' and that she 'didn't have the time for that right now'.

I understand what this means, to read between the lines it means 'just friends, forever'!

But, I regret I could have been clearer about receiving that meaning. I now don't know how to go back and clarify this for myself.

Anyway, I did try to not develop feelings for her but the problem is that I have. I feel like this is a bad situation for me because of that and I feel kind of stupid for letting it happen. But, I've never felt it that strongly before.

But I don't want to give up on a companionship (it works great when we are together) that might be rewarding.

I also feel completely cut off when we are not together, like I don't exist. This person has admitted she has some problems with communication and she is a very busy person, no doubt, but I feel her communication could be better.

I fear texting or emailing because often it will go unanswered. That way I don't know what is happening.

I need to tell this to her, but I don't know how far to go, telling her about my feelings or just keep it simple.

Complicating things I heard her bad mouth me in a group and I've not had the courage to openly ask about it. I did get slightly angry that night (this was some time ago) but the incident seems to have been glossed over.

I am very scared that this person might have some of the same attachment issues as me. I felt very overwhelmed at the start of the friendship, it was like a switch was thrown after we agreed to be friends and all the expectations had changed. I did not know how to deal with that and I got a bit scared. I find it very hard to admit to these feelings (feeling inadequate, not living up to her expectations). She did tell me she finds it hard to make friends.

Do I continue to enjoy her company and be OK with very low contract the rest of the time?

I feel there are so many 'normal' issues crossing with cptsd problems that I start to feel really triggered even thinking about texting this person ("Will I be ignored again?").

On the other hand I genuinely love spending time with her. Love is a concept that is very scary for me. If it ever does happen for me I will probably run a mile. Why do I feel like I might love someone who might not even care about me?

I want to give this all up but I'm not wanting this person out of my life. I feel like I'm being over reactive and un realistic. It pains me that I can't deal with this friendship. Maybe it is not a real friendship, more of an 'acquaintanceship'. I can't really deal with those. They are far too 'adult' and boring (!) for me to deal with. (I feel a bit ashamed writing this). But an arms length friendship doesn't really feel like real friendship to me. Do I need to readjust my expectations?

Sorry about this. It is really a vent and far too long. But it is kind of eating me up. For info, I have other friendships with females I don't have this problem with. It is with this one person. I recognise traits in her that I have. That makes me want to be with her. She likes spending time with me, but I'm not really alive to her in between times. I also feel a little childish having to ask about this here. Like, everyone but me will be able to plainly see what is happening here. Why can't I oversee this dysfunction (if that's what this is) and deal with this better. I'm really stuck in the mud on this one. Maybe this should be in my journal because I'm not even sure what I'm asking.

Maybe by writing this I will get some clarity. I invite comments on this, I don't know what to do.

Thanks if you have read this, it's far too long, sorry. Just one guy's feelings and they don't amount to much, I know, but they matter to me! 

[Three Roses]

I'm not sure I have anything helpful or relevant to say, but I did want to let you know that you've been heard. If I think of something you might be interested in hearing, I'll come back to this later. ❤️

[Hope67]

She likes spending time with me, but I'm not really alive to her in between times.

Hi SaB,

I have only just woken up, so apologies if what I say here doesn't make too much sense, but I wanted you to know that I read what you wrote, and I think your friend is lucky to have your friendship.  I was struck by what you said - in the quote about the fact she likes spending time with you, but you then wrote that you are 'not really alive to her in between times' - I wondered how you could know that - because basically we can't really know what a person thinks when we're not in their sights.  So maybe that is your inner critic saying that?  I don't know.


I think that communicating helps situations so much - so maybe thinking about ways you can tell your friend some of your feelings - and maybe check things out - to see if you're right in certain assumptions or not - that might be a way forward. 

But whatever you do, I wish you the best - because I can see kindness in your wish to be there for your friend, and I hope you'll be kind to yourself too - and maybe don't give yourself too many expectations, and maybe see what happens.  I don't know.

Sorry for my ramblings, I wanted to say something, as I think your friend is lucky to have you as her friend.

Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you both lots 

... but you then wrote that you are 'not really alive to her in between times' - I wondered how you could know that - because basically we can't really know what a person thinks when we're not in their sights.  So maybe that is your inner critic saying that?

Thank you Hope for saying this. I have to constantly be reminded that my inner critic is not the truth. Thanks 

I like also what you suggest Hope about communication. I want to try to communicate some of this to her. I will try to pick out what I feel is important and like you say be kind and not have too many expectations.

I feel like it is the not knowing anything. That is the issue I want to address. Not feeling capable of doing that properly is the bit that hurts.

Thank you both very much.

SaB