A shy hello

  • 6 Replies
  • 121 Views
*

Feral Child

  • Member
  • 11
    • View Profile
A shy hello
« on: May 17, 2019, 04:20:08 PM »
Warm greetings to those who stop by to read this.  I am a 64 year old, female, only child raised by a divorced (never remarried, still alive, in her late 80s) mother.  I have no memory of my father.

My mother has never been diagnosed, but I believe she scores high on the narcissism and borderline personality disorder scales.  She also exhibits signs of being a psychopath.  She abused me physically, emotionally, financially and sexually.  She was cruel and violent to me. 

I remained silent in order to survive.  But I experienced horrifying flashbacks for years.

Several years ago she abruptly sold her house and moved across country to live with my husband and I.  That was when my panic attacks escalated.  Up until that time I had few memories for childhood.  Years are still missing.  But slowly Pandoraís Box has opened and some memories roared out.

My mother is now in her late 80s and is showing signs of significant cognitive deterioration.  She now lives in a nice retirement apartment community which provides meals, transportation, and housekeeping. She is well off financially.  I try to only have face to face contact once a month.

She only calls when she wants something.  I gray rock her about my life and she doesnít notice. 

Iím in therapy, but every day is a struggle.  I also spend time reading various online support forums.  This site and Out of the Fog are my two favorites.  The community here seem extraordinarily compassionate and wise. 

I want to say a heartfelt thank you for letting join the forum, and also for letting me remain in the shadows for so long.  I took a lot of courage for me to post today.  I wish I could have made this briefer.  I find it difficult to stop once I start speaking the truth.  This is the sixth draft! 

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 6889
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2019, 04:59:34 PM »
Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Feral Child  :heythere:  Many of us need to take our time and read before we post and really, given all we've been through it's prudent. There are some interesting folks on the Internet so caution is not a bad thing.  We do try and keep things as respectful, safe and considerate here though so glad you are feeling comfortable enough to post.

I laughed when I read this was your 6th draft. It used to take me forever to post anything but here I am and here you are so that's progress    :thumbup:     :applause:      :grouphug:

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 332
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2019, 05:41:41 PM »
You are very welcome! I understand about six drafts. I have done the same thing and then there were times that I posted something and then 10 seconds later removed the post.  :) I know how it is when every day is so difficult. Glad you found the courage to post. It was not too long and I can relate to some of what you have gone through.  :hug:

*

Feral Child

  • Member
  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2019, 12:06:59 AM »
Thank you Kizzie and notalone for the kind welcome and hugs.  I already feel considerable relief just starting the process of sending my story out to the group here.  Speaking the truth after years of silence is amazingly empowering.  Only a few people in my personal life know even a small part of the story.  To be a part of this amazing community of those who have been through similar nightmares is a real comfort.  I wish none of us had gone through it, but to have the chance to speak up and support each other fills me with hope for better days ahead.

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 2297
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2019, 04:50:10 AM »
Warm, belated welcome to you! I'm glad you're here.   :heythere:

*

bluepalm

  • Member
  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2019, 09:51:50 PM »
Speaking the truth after years of silence is amazingly empowering.  Only a few people in my personal life know even a small part of the story.  To be a part of this amazing community of those who have been through similar nightmares is a real comfort.  I wish none of us had gone through it, but to have the chance to speak up and support each other fills me with hope for better days ahead.

Oh yes Feral Child. I do so agree with these words. I open OOTS each morning with a feeling of relief; as if I'm entering a gentler world, albeit one with a wounded population. And with hope that being here will help with my day. It's a place of refuge for me, with other souls who understand. I'm so grateful to have found this community.

*

Ecowarrior888

  • Member
  • 64
  • Broken Crayons Still Color.....
    • View Profile
Re: A shy hello
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2019, 06:27:58 AM »
  Speaking the truth after years of silence is amazingly empowering.  Only a few people in my personal life know even a small part of the story.  To be a part of this amazing community of those who have been through similar nightmares is a real comfort.  I wish none of us had gone through it, but to have the chance to speak up and support each other fills me with hope for better days ahead.

Welcome Feral Child! I know the feeling, feels like a weight off your chest not only when you can share the thoughts that have always consumed you but also that you have people that actually understand what you deal with every day. Feel free to message me or post at any time <3 I have felt a great amount of support from this community and I feel like it truly has made me feel less alone.