My abusers birthday is coming up

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Ecowarrior888

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My abusers birthday is coming up
« on: May 18, 2019, 10:41:53 PM »
So May 22 is a huge trigger date for me...and befire that is May 20 which was my parents wedding anniversary so those 3 days were always rough. My dad would disappear and not tell us when he would come back, or aometimes he would just get aggressive..... the past few days ive had high anxiety, tummy problems, trembling...my symptoms kicks up a notch. Ive tried to turn this day around by saying its the day i met the second love of my life, which is true... but even then i cant shake it.

And this year, i will be alone in another city at a conference for my job. Exciting but its still...that day.

Today i had a friend that said, you and dates. Just let them go,they are just days. I honestly felt awful when she said that. Is it just me? 😭

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Not Alone

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Re: My abusers birthday is coming up
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2019, 01:29:33 AM »
Supporting you in these difficult days. For you these dates are triggering, just like other things can be triggering. If only we could just let the triggers go! ". . . the bottom line is that the threat-perception system of the brain has changed, and people's physical reactions are dictated by the imprint of the past." ("The Body Keeps the Score" Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., p. 67) You are not doing anything wrong because you are having a hard time right now. I'm feeling a lot of the shakiness right now too. As I am trying to tell myself, may I gently remind you to take deep breaths?

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Three Roses

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Re: My abusers birthday is coming up
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2019, 03:00:23 AM »
It is most certainly not just you! It's a common theme here on the forum - anniversaries can and do bring up a number of reactions, ranging from a vague sense of unease to virtual immobility, with vomiting, nausea, headaches, etc in between. Often, my first clue that an anniversary may be coming up is the physical symptoms I've come to recognize.

In his book "In An Unspoken Voice", Peter Levine relates a story of the famous explorer David livingstone being attacked by a lion, which caught  his shoulder and knocked them both to the ground. Although he survived, "... Livingstone nonetheless developed an inflammatory reaction in that shoulder that broke out for the rest of his life on the anniversary date of the attack." (p. 52)

I'm sorry you didn't get a helpful, compassionate response from your friend. The variations on "just get over it" are all well known here. Although it's just that people don't have any insight because they've not been traumatized, it can still hurt to get that reaction.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 02:38:38 PM by Three Roses »

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Ecowarrior888

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Re: My abusers birthday is coming up
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2019, 05:47:46 AM »
Thank you guys so much, especially the quotes from the books you guys have read. Because literally after writing that entry I shut down. I fell asleep for 5 hours.... now my sleep schedule is off. I skipped a meal again.

 I hate that all of you struggle, and I hate that everyone else has triggers...but it is comforting to know that its not me being dramatic, or keeping track of the days... Especially when my friend said that. I know that maybe she just wasn't traumatized on a particular date or she has a different way of handling things because I know she has gone through things too. Last week we cried together because she said, a quiet child is a good child. That hit me. That is how I feel. That is why I can't make statements at work.

My husband told me recently I speak hesitantly in general even with him! And to me, that was dumbfounding. My husband is my best friend in the whole world. He knows everything, he even knows my dad.... And he is the only one I get actively mad at...or ahem...have tantrums with lol But for him to say I speak hesitantly? And then my friend and I talked about it, and I know she definitely has been emotionally and physically abused.... maybe she is in denial, I don't know. Just hit me really hard coming from her... and kind of made me feel dramatic about these trigger dates. My mind is going a million miles an hour :stars: