Mind is reeling....so triggered.

[Ecowarrior888]

This is the first time I have ever shared most of these images... I have always felt like they are too dark and may scare my loved ones (mostly my mom).... Only 2 other people have seen these sketches. I am so happy I can share them with you, and seems like it not only feels like a weight off my chest but also it is helpful to you. My mind is reeling due to a trigger date and a comment my friend made "to just let go of dates." May is one of the worst months for me..... and its 2 AM, I slept 5 hours and my mind is just going in circles...over and over...and over and over.....

I really appreciate all your support.

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/4631.html

[Not Alone]

Always appreciate your drawings. I know the sleeplessness and non-stop thoughts and memories. Hope you are able to get a nap in today and a little break from the distress.

[Ecowarrior888]

No such luck. Got bullied at work today....again. Can't catch a break lately. And can't sleep again.
I feel like I am starting to lose it.... I hear my dad's voice in my head getting louder and louder. Making me feel shame, unworthy, inexperienced....just covering me in a cloud of self-doubt...
So loud
Soooooooooo loud

[Three Roses]

Do you think that voice is your inner critic? Here's some info on the ICr (something I think we all struggle with) and how to turn down the volume.   

http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Pretty long, but it's good stuff!

[Ecowarrior888]

Yea most likely, I was raised constantly being berated and criticized by my dad. I am bilingual. I think in english but when that inner critic comes around...it's my dad because in my head I hear it in spanish sometimes or in an accent. Isn't that crazy, awful yet fascinating at the same time? Everything was criticized:
Watching TV
when you make a stupid mistake, the amount of "I told you so" or shame that he just kept basically twisting the knife with that
Reading
Drawing
Singing
My diet (Got to the point where this week I couldn't eat for 3 days, only some snacks here and there)
My "figure"
My exercise routines.
Everything! And of course right now it is loudest because his birthday is tomorrow. I don't even know if he is alive..... But at the same time, he exists through all the brainwashing and flashbacks. I have had nightmares every night and every nap I have had this week.

I am seriously struggling this week. Today was one of those days that just would not end. I don't know how I made it. But at least I did.
Oh wow....it's his birthday today... its 1 AM....
Happy birthday Papi...

[Not Alone]

Sending you support on this difficult day. I hope you eat, sing, exercise, watch T.V., read and draw to "celebrate!"

[Blueberry]

Sending support as well. 

I was severely and frequently criticised by FOO growing up and know how much damage that can cause. Standing with you.

[Not Alone]

Ecowarrior,
Wondering how you are doing?

[Ecowarrior888]

Thanks so much for checking in on me...means a lot.
Had to go to a conference and the anxiety was insane until i got there. And thankfully ive been learning so much of what ive been passionate about that its really kept me distracted. And ive been pretty numb to be honest so im just enjoying it to be honest. I needed a break and remember why im so passionate and why i fight every day.
Nightmares keep going. I still get frozen but i was able to paint and watch tv alone yesterday yay