I feel defeated...no offense to anyone-TW

[Ecowarrior888]

I grew up in a family where it was looked down upon to take medication. Whenever I felt depressed or anxious my family would state, it's because I don't have enough God in my life. Now I won't go into depth with that, I don't think that is a problem. I have faith and even if I didn't, obviously that is not the problem.

This week I have 2 trigger dates, going on my first trip alone to a conference for work during one of those trigger dates.....My symptoms are off the charts. I pretty much have had to take xanax every day. And I know I shouldn't feel defeated, but I just do anyway. It's awful. I fight it so hard. I take other meds too but those are routine either once or twice daily: Zoloft, Buspirone and Clonazapam. So I don't feel it as much. But when I have to decide on whether I should take Xanax, not only is it debilitating but it just makes me feel like I am failing. (Mind you, could also be because I have friends that have abused Xanax so the name scares me alone) Every time my psychiatrist prescribes me a new med, it makes me shut down for days. I have come to the conclusion they are helpful.... Just with my art alone, it's noticeable. But also my therapist, best friend and my husband have all stated multiple times that there is a huge difference. I don't get knocked down as long and as hard. My recovery from panic attacks, flashbacks and just life is quicker. But....still makes me feel defeated. Idk if I am making sense.

Does anyone ever feel like this sometimes? And how do you cope with it?

[Three Roses]

It took me a while to agree with the therapist I had when I was in my 30s, that I could benefit from an anti-depressant. It took her some time to convince me to try it, due to my own prejudices about mental health and meds. And even now sometimes I feel like, I don't know, like "less-than" or weirdly different, for having to be on a medication. (It has stopped working for me, so I have an upcoming doctor appointment for that, but that's another story.) But the difference it has made in my quality of life is too huge to be denied.

Our culture definitely has some stigmas about mental health. If you have diabetes, take insulin; if you have allergies, take antihistamines; high cholesterol, take statins; pain pills for chronic pain are okay; but taking meds for a chemical imbalance in the brain is somehow wrong.... When I think of it that way, I feel better.

[Not Alone]

A while back I took a xanax because everything was way too hard. When I told my therapist that I took it, I felt like you, that I had lost a little battle. His response surprised me, "Good!" He said he'd rather me take a xanax then be completely overwhelmed and upset. It sounds like you are aware and careful that you are not overdoing it. Look at it as another tool that you are using. Those tools are there for when you need them and right now you need them. (I am talking to myself right now too!) Your therapist, friend, and husband are caring for you by telling you it is okay to take those medications. May I add my voice to theirs? It is okay. You are not doing anything wrong. You are helping yourself and that is a good thing. 

[Patticake]

 I struggle with taking medication & regularly stop taking it for days at a time. I don't want to have to live on medication. I know, intellectually, this is not wise, but I keep doing it anyway. This has become a pattern for me. I always end up taking the meds again, but hope one of these times I'll feel well enough not to have to.

Does anyone else do this? Just wondering if I'm the only one that does.

[Three Roses]

Does anyone else do this? Just wondering if I'm the only one that does.

Yes, in the past. I'm better about being consistent now but I still struggle with the idea.

[Ecowarrior888]

A while back I took a xanax because everything was way too hard. When I told my therapist that I took it, I felt like you, that I had lost a little battle. His response surprised me, "Good!" He said he'd rather me take a xanax then be completely overwhelmed and upset. It sounds like you are aware and careful that you are not overdoing it. Look at it as another tool that you are using. Those tools are there for when you need them and right now you need them. (I am talking to myself right now too!) Your therapist, friend, and husband are caring for you by telling you it is okay to take those medications. May I add my voice to theirs? It is okay. You are not doing anything wrong. You are helping yourself and that is a good thing. 

Thank you notalone, I appreciate you. I am trying. Had to take another today. Nice to know I am not alone. Yes, I need it to treat my psychological injury I guess... Thank you.

[Blueberry]

Does anyone else do this? Just wondering if I'm the only one that does.

Yes, I struggle too, at least in phases. In my case it seems partly to be an inner rebel and partly ?? It's certainly not as clearly-defined as not wanting to take meds at all because when my doc has asked me what I think would happen if I came off the anti-deps, I say I'm too frightened to try. As for low thyroid meds, I need them. Things go spiralling down out of control when I don't take them. Or during doc-controlled dosage lowering.

With trying to be more responsible for myself and self-accountable I've become better.