Hi all,
I am having boundary problems with an ex-boyfriend. Very Ex. Say over 35 years ago Ex. I will call him S.
When S and I were going out in college, we got very involved in poetry, and joined up with C, an amazing poet. We worked hard on our poetry, and we were seen as a poet-trio, asked to do performances and readings quite often. It was a wonderful synergy that the three of us shared.
So many years have passed since S and I were involved as a couple. I am happily married to another man, retired, and my memories of my relationship with S have faded. We dated a LONG time ago. He is also married, with two grown sons.
Well, in the last year or so, C and S have gotten interested in poetry again. They want to work on poetry and do readings and performances as a trio again. Fine, okay.
Problem is that S, my ex, and I had a disagreement on the phone about how one of these performances should be handled. There was anger. He said some weird things that upset me. I emailed him that we should just let it lie, as we weren't getting anywhere. And I just put it aside. There were things going on in our household. Health problems, including a cancer scare.
Maybe 2, 3 days passed, and he started in.
And with your kind permission (and patience), I'd like to share the emails he started sending to me.
Here's the first:
"It’s painful to me to feel separated from you, I miss you, N."
That flummoxed me. My husband wasn't happy with it, either. Inappropriate?
Here's the second:
"N, I am really concerned about what's going on / not going on with our friendship. It's not like you to not respond, and I haven't heard back from you. I don't like to jump to conclusions, and in the absence of information, i go in different directions, unsure of what's real, what's really going on.
If I've become a persona non grata to you (which i sincerely hope I haven't), this will be the last time i reach out to you. I don't want to cause you more pain.
But, jeeze, how could that be? How could you throw the baby out with the bath water? If I've displeased you (again), c'mon, I'm a flawed human being. So are you.
The problem with trying to talk to you in the absence of your responses, is that I really don't know what's going on. You may not being responding because of a million things in your life unrelated to me. I don't know.
You mentioned (pre-)cancer treatments and scares, alluded to a really rough patch mental-health-wise recently, and of course there's stuff with caring for Stephen post-operations, etc etc. I don't need this to be about 'me', if it isn't. I'm not really sure what's going on.
I wish you'd throw me a bone, if you could. I don't know if you're waiting for an apology from me, or if I'm a mosquito-fart in the dessert of other issues in your life. But about fifteen years ago i must've said something so terrible to you that you stopped speaking to me for years. This looks like repeat #2. When we got back in touch a couple years ago, we've had so much more fun and benefit -- that I don't know how or why you'd toss me.
N, you're great. I love you. I support you. If you're mad at me, be mad at me. Tell me. I'll fight for our relationship, but i don't want to hurt you. If my trying to reach you hurts you, I'll stop as of today.--S"
I wrote back telling me he was jumping to conclusions. My husband and I were dealing with health issues, as I said, including a cancer scare.
His response was how relieved he was, as if he didn't hear anything about our health troubles.
We spoke on the phone today, and I told him that both emails were inappropriate. And man, my husband sure didn't like either one of them. But S argued, and I felt confused, gaslit. He was talking circles around me. He said I was jumping to conclusions. He spoke about something that happened between us 15 years ago. I have zero memory of that. He tried to argue that if I didn't remember 15 years ago, then the email didn't mean anything, right? It was just a misunderstanding. And N, you are mentally ill, so..... That was his trump card. Pull that one out a couple of times to make me doubt my perceptions. Then he got angry when I told him he was not to speak in that way to me anymore. He said he didn't like "taking orders." I asked, "Would you have sent that yearny, frantic, romantic-y email to C?" And he said, "I don't really talk to my male friends. I expect more from you." And I said, "I don't want more expected from me." That made him angry.
Then the inner stuff started in me. Memories long put to bed opened up about our break-up years ago. Very painful. I started remembering things he did when we dated, which hurt me very badly. Unspeakable, weird things. I started thinking about how he felt the need to zing me. Just say something a little mean, but ambiguous, so if I were to call him out, he'd just say, "What are talking about?"
I'm really distraught. Do his communications with me sound inappropriate? Sound like something that would upset your spouse/partner? Sound Narc-y?
Any advice? I don't want flare-ups.
Thank you,
LittleBoat