Tug of War

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Kizzie

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Tug of War
« on: May 24, 2019, 09:40:13 PM »
Monday we're heading across the country to attend our son's convocation and while there will celebrate my NPDM's 90 birthday.  My emotions are in a tug of war right now b/c I'm excited to see our S but dreading seeing my M (it's been 2+ yrs b/c we are low contact). There's also a tug of war between the part of me that wants to celebrate her 90th and the parts that were and are deeply wounded by her and don't.   :stars:

Understandably I'm feeling irritable and strained already. Such is the internal war of Complex PTSD - sigh.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2019, 11:59:03 PM »
A wish ... that while these mixed emotions tug from the outside, inside your heart/soul will find its own peace and gently calm  any rough waters.

                                   :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2019, 07:27:18 AM »
 :hug: :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2019, 12:18:31 PM »
Hi Kizzie,
Wishing you the best for your trip, and sending you a hug of support.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2019, 02:52:58 PM »
Congrats to your son! Here's hoping you have a good trip, and can successfully avoid any negativity from your m.  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2019, 06:06:28 PM »
Congratulations to your son and you (moms deserve credit!). Wishing you peace on this trip. You have good boundaries and a good understanding of yourself and others. Keep trusting yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

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Kizzie

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2019, 06:42:39 PM »
Tks everyone for the support and well wishes.  :grouphug:   We do manage my M quite well and last visit I did not even have an EF before, during or after which is utterly amazing considering how large she loomed in my psyche. 

And I'm not having an EF now which I would have when I had to see her so much progress has been made. That said, part of me is sad and angry but as I now understand things this is a perfectly normal reaction to being around a parent who hurt me and that I have to protect myself and my family against so it doesn't happen any more. It's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and that's the tough part. How I was parented was abnormal.  My parents were abusive and I am and always was a trauma orphan. It leaves a hole in your heart, it just does - no matter that I am 62. 

At least I can say now that I am not hoping against hope any more she will change. I let go of that hope some years back and while it was really difficult, it was freeing at the same time.

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Kizzie

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2019, 06:22:32 PM »
So we're back from our cross country trip, a little worse for wear (someone gifted me with a cold), but overall it all went quite well. 

Our son's convocation and celebration were awesome - so, so proud of him and enjoyed being with him as always. One takeaway from the trip for here is that we can and do break the cycle of abuse.  My S is a grounded, loving, thoughtful, funny, independent young man who knows he is loved - couldn't ask for better.

Our time with my NPDM went as well as it can when you're with someone who is a stealth N. My takeaway for here is that all the strategies for dealing with people who have NPD (I learned them thru our sister site Out of the Fog), and all the recovery work is absolutely worth the effort and pain/grief. I was merely annoyed and saddened by her N behaviour as opposed to having EFs or exploding in anger or tears as I used to.  For her part she did her best to behave b/c we have let her know what are our boundaries over the years. She may not understand them but she doesn't trample them like she used to. So we got to celebrate her 90th with grace, something I wanted for her and more importantly for me.  I have compassion for the trauma she went thru and caused her to dev NPD but won't let her hurt me any more so it's a bit of a fine line to walk. 

There you have it. All in all, except for a cold I feel pretty good  :thumbup:   Working on recovery, as hard as it is sometimes, is  worth it.  :yes:

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woodsgnome

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2019, 09:34:30 PM »
  :applause: ... Congrats for the happy vibes with the son and the okayness level you've reached with the other relative. Don't forget the hard inner/personal work you've put in on each, especially softening the issues with the NPDM. :

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bluepalm

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2019, 10:20:23 PM »
Kizzie, I'm so happy for you that your experience was as good as it was. And I understand how proud and relieved you can feel to see your S and know you really have broken the cycle of abuse.

I feel the same with my firstborn S, who has a close, relaxed and loving relationship with his children. My great fear, when I first became pregnant, that I would repeat what was done to me, spurred me to seek therapy and to work unceasingly for years to prevent that happening. I know how much work is involved.  I feel strongly that it's the best and most important type of work in the whole world. Something that will go down through the generations.

I agree with you: "Working on recovery, as hard as it is sometimes, is worth it". Yes - it's so worth it! Not only for us, but for those around us. If we can send ripples of kindness into the world instead of waves of cruelty, that has got to be good. And, I for one, feel very grateful to you for what you do for this forum. All your work and attention is sending much kindness into the world and helping to heal others who have been grievously wounded by cruelty.

Thank you Kizzie.

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notalone

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2019, 11:40:48 PM »
Kizzie,

Glad your trip went well and that you had wonderful time with your son. Glad you were able to celebrate your Mom's 90th and keep your boundaries.
Thank you for your words of encouragement that the work is worth breaking the cycle of abuse. (In my family it goes back several generations.)

And, I for one, feel very grateful to you for what you do for this forum. All your work and attention is sending much kindness into the world and helping to heal others who have been grievously wounded by cruelty.

Thank you Kizzie.

 :yeahthat: I add my deep-felt thanks for all you do.

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Tee

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2019, 12:52:56 AM »
Kizzie you give me hope.  I just found this site recently and have posted several times with different parts of my story.  I have read some of yours.

 I started into counseling when my baby girl was two and I was turning into my NM.  At that point I was flipping between fractured personalities and when I was out because my Pollyanna side was too overwhelmed to handle things I came out screaming and belittling my two year old baby girl.  I knew I had to change.

I have been in counseling for four years I have worked through horrific sexual trauma from my sophomore year of high school. Re-integrated my fractures only to realize my trauma started so much earlier from my perfect preacher NM. 

I have had the diagnosis of PTSD with dissociation from the beginning.  It's only been recently that my counselor found and diagnosed me with complex PTSD.  I'm so glad she did because it took me here and as I've read other stories I don't feel so alone.  I know I've come a long way but feel stuck looping right now.  Your story gives me hope.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 01:17:22 AM by Tee »

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Kizzie

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Re: Tug of War
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2019, 05:30:50 PM »
Tks everyone  ;D  We often need hope to get thru this long and winding journey up hill and down.  I know I clung to every shred I read from others at first just to keep going so it's important to me to talk about any progress I've made AND to hear the same from others - it still helps me to plow forward on those not so great days.   :yes:

Go tribe OOTS!   :grouphug: