Drowning

[Not Alone]

For six days I've been drowning. Had a few hours with my head above water, I felt like a person. Now drowning again. The people see and think, "she's playing in the water," because I interact and act normal and do what needs to be done. But inside I am drowning and then more thoughts and feelings come and I am pulled even deeper into the water. Tried Walker's 13 steps. Doesn't work, doesn't fit. My T said breathe. He said lots more, but the most I can manage is a deep breath when I remember. I feel like I am going crazy.

They say the adult is supposed to reassure the little parts, but ALL the parts are in turmoil and confusion. What then? Just keep trying to come to the surface to take another breath of air before going back down?

On top of that, yesterday I was thinking about people who have left me (not related to drowning). Today I was at a restaurant and one of those people was there. Like the knife being turned.

Feel like I should delete this. So tired of being in so much pain and confusion that I am so focused on me. Is this taking care of me to send this? I don't even know.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I wish that I could send out life-rafts or buoyancy aids to each and every part of you - so that you can stay safe and breathe.  I just want you to know that you are 'heard' and that your feelings matter.  Sending a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok   
Hearing that all your parts are in turmoil and confusion, would be such a difficult thing to cope with - don't be hard on yourself.  I hope you don't mind my saying that.  I hope you get some rest, if that is what would be helpful to you. 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Oh notalone, my heart is with you. I can completely relate to what you shared and I'm glad you posted. Adult me has not been resourced enough to take care of any part of self. I too present well to the outside world, even in the middle of feeling like I'm falling apart. I do this because I feel like I have to, to survive. And it's all so overwhelming. I can't even begin to pull apart the feelings and thoughts enough to ease that overwhelm. I just hang on and its exhausting. It's hard to reach for positive or healing feelings or thoughts when we're so focused on keeping our head above the water-line.

I had a moment reading your post where I wondered if I just let go and allowed myself to lie back and float--stopped fighting to stay above the surface, would I in fact float? I imagined the kind of slow breathing that keeps me buoyant when actually in the water, I imagined a calm pool away from the thrashing waves that overwhelm me and the peace that comes when just my face is above the surface, my body weightless, free, floating.

Reaching out like you did is allowing yourself to float, even just a little. And sometimes that can make all the difference. You are loved and appreciated here.   

[Blueberry]

I think you're taking care of yourself by posting simply because you are reaching out here where people understand you. Also sometimes it can bring a little relief to express what's going on and not stuff it down inside ourselves.

6 days is a long time to feel like you're drowning.   

[Not Alone]

Still feeling like I'm drowning. Hard to even know what to write here, but I wanted to check in and thank you for your support. It really does help.

I wish that I could send out life-rafts or buoyancy aids to each and every part of you - so that you can stay safe and breathe.  I just want you to know that you are 'heard' and that your feelings matter.  Sending a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok   

Hope, your gentle words of caring are always a comfort to me. The idea of buoyancy aids is a lovely one and I have visualized that throughout this week.

MoonBeam, having times of floating and not being in the turbulent waves is a good picture. I appreciate your words of support. I have read many of your posts and our paths have many similarities.

Blueberry, six days is a long time (8 now). I appreciate your acknowledgment that this is hard.

Trying to take one moment at a time right now and breathe and stay afloat.

[MoonBeam]

Notalone, thinking of you. Hang in. Hoping for a reprieve for you and hopefully all this will come with new insights.

Agreed re our similar paths. I'm so sorry and so grateful to be with others who understand what I'm going through.

[Not Alone]

Update: I saw my therapist last night. My session didn't "cure" all the feelings and thoughts I was experiencing, but it did calm the waves. No longer feel like I am drowning. Now I am trying to comfort and reassure all the parts who were in such turmoil last week. Not easy, because the adult me was feeling pretty crazy too. One step at a time and breathe! Thanks to all for your support. 

[MoonBeam]

Good to hear you are feeling a bit better notalone.   Agreed--"One step at a time and breathe!" You are showing up, utilizing resources and doing what you can to work through this. I'm glad you are here sharing your journey.

[Tee]

Glad to hear that you have been able to catch a breath.  My counselor tries to remind me how far I've come and to keep me focused on one more step.  She keeps telling she has the perspective of knowing that I'll make it through this loop because she's seen me make it through so much. 

I to have felt like I'm drowning, or stuck in a hole with no way out.  You truly are notalone.  The problem I have is like you is so hard to break free from the loops.

From the out side I hold it together.  I have two kids that need me, I have to work to feed them and pay the bills, I'm in college to move forward and make something with my life.  I have a husband who is both supportive and triggering depending on the second.  The out side is porcelain. I'm terrified that the inner termoil will one day chip my outer shell that will then shatter revealing that lost broken and still drowning too.  Feeling low today.

Hope your week goes better this week! Thanks for posting so I know I'm not alone too.

[Not Alone]

Thanks for your words, Tee. It is hard to outwardly function when the inner world is in turmoil. Today was an afternoon under a blanket after therapy. Tomorrow need to put on a smile and be "on" at work.

I'm sorry your feeling low today. 

[Tee]

Stuck in a loop after being triggered and having a small parenting fail because of it. I'm my own worse critic but feel like such a fraud and hypocrite when I hear my M abusive words come out of my mouth towards my kids.

Even though I apologise and try to make it right.  Leaves me in a hole. Looping the words of my M that are so in grained of how bad I am.  But I didn't crack today 😖😥 thanks for the hug.  Good luck tomorrow.