When you cant see past the dark clouds

[Ecowarrior888]

Straight up Fog. Darkness.
Im happy to say that i can see through the cloud right now, but last qeek was unbearable. Recovering finally....until next trigger. So tiring to stay afloat...

I hate getting foggy...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6179.html

[Ecowarrior888]

Remember when I said I was past it...nope. These clouds are back. I am so tired. I can't see past them:


I am depressed, super anxious. Had a horrible headache all day yesterday and today I just slept my free time away....I couldn't eat all day. All I was able to stomach until 11 PM was 1 PBJ sandwich. I feel tense. My muscles are tense, my heart races at random time, and then my stomach just drops....I realized it's because I am hypervigilant. It is because I am home. Home is where one is supposed to feel safe. I physically am safe: I am in my apartment with my emotional support animal, aka: Kitty child Zelda lol. I am in my apartment with my supportive and ever-so-loving husband. But my mind....psychologically I do not feel safe.
I get it. My triggers were gone at the hotel during the conference in an unknown place because I am hypervigilant to begin with but I don't feel safe. I was alone in the hotel room for 3 nights. I double/triple checked the locks of the front door. I closed doors in between me and the front door of the room. I closed the curtains except the ones in the bedroom.... Just in case. Just in case what? I don't know.
The workshop ended. My hotel stay ended. I get to go home, exciting right? I get to go see my Zelda and my Kenneth <3 I missed them so much throughout the week. But first night at home I have an emotional flashback, second night at home I have a vivid flashback that hit me like a truck of my dad chasing me with a sandal when at first we were just goofing off and finally the third night I slept for 5 hours on the couch and could not hold any food down. Throughout the whole day I was only able to stomach gatorade and 1 PBJ sandwich. I flaked; I had plans to play board games with my friends and I just slept to escape the fighting in my head.
I am home. I am safe. In the past when I was home, I was never safe. My dad would turn on us even if we were just playing around with him or joking. He would just turn aggressive, to us out of nowhere, but I am sure there was a pattern that now I can't recognize because it is too painful to remember the details.
I am so frustrated. I am home! I am safe! I am comfy! I am wearing a big t-shirt and comfy boxers, sitting on the couch, writing and watching Netflix. I am tired of fighting. I feel so defeated, I feel hopeless.... This endless battle in my head.... It just. Does. Not. Go away.....

[woodsgnome]

  for all that's been keeping the blanket of fog in place.  Here's for another softer blanket, perhaps a warm fire. And here's another  from my cat Mystic for you and Zelda.

Really not lots to say; but find your entries eerily similar to my own bouts, especially the fogginess that can set in and worsen the overall effect of feeling trapped.

Hoping for that clearing breeze (it may not always take much) to dissipate or at least relieve the foggy, boxed-in feeling.

[Not Alone]

I know those horrible feelings and I know the feeling that it will go on forever. You will NOT feel this way forever.  You are safe now. You have people who care about you. Glad you are wearing comfy clothes and watching Netflix. Keep caring for yourself with tenderness.

[Ecowarrior888]

Thank you for your aupport and qell wishes. It means a lot.
Hugs to mystic too 😊