Back with my FOO

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LittleBirdy

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Back with my FOO
« on: May 30, 2019, 02:40:05 AM »
I have been an anxious, cranky mess since moving back home. Itís only temporary but still. My parents are just so negative. Nothing is good enough for my F. I noticed I feel very insecure now and I didnít when I was at school. Perhaps itís because theyíre always pointing out everything we donít have, without doing anything to fix it. I have developed an irrational fear that my bf is going to leave me because Iíve been anxious and cranky lately. I know itís irrational but I just canít shake it. He has said nothing to make me feel this way, this is all me. He keeps reassuring me that this will pass and Iíve just cracked after being under so much stress for so long without any sort of break or vacation. He has even agreed to a beach getaway with me, so like I said this is super irrational. Iíve been having trouble sleeping too with constant nightmares...I feel like a helpless teenager again and itís so difficult seeing my friends on social media going on elaborate vacations and Iím stuck at home with my negative FOO. I just hate being in a place where displaying distress is taken as a personal attack, Iím not allowed to have a bad day and am expected to be happy 24/7 and if Iím not then Iím ungrateful. I guess itís just harder going back now that Iíve had my freedom for so long...if you made it this far, thank you for listening to me vent :)

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notalone

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Re: Back with my FOO
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2019, 02:46:44 AM »
Sounds like a very stressful situation. Just want you to know you are heard.

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LittleBirdy

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Re: Back with my FOO
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2019, 03:07:01 AM »
Sounds like a very stressful situation. Just want you to know you are heard.

Thank you

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MoonBeam

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Re: Back with my FOO
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2019, 05:37:21 PM »
Hi LittleBirdy.  I just wanted to say I understand where you are at.  I left home at 16, but had to go back a few times when I fell on hard times. It was never a healthy situation, but I needed a roof and they were willing.  I became the same lost teen, desperate to get out, feeling stuck and my self esteem went out the window. I became who they thought I should be. It's still like this when I am with them for any length of time. I know there is something in Pete Walker's work regarding the Fawn-Type personality posted in the articles/references pages on the boards. (Sorry I don't have the link handy). Perhaps this is relevant to your situation?
It wasn't until this year in talking about it with my T that I finally am beginning to see that no, in fact, even when I'm with my FOO I am still autonomous. I get to be me. I do not have to stay in that same emotional place just because they are still in it. They haven't changed all these years. They probably won't. But I am changing. 
You are a different person than last time you were there. You get to be in charge of you and your feelings. I understand it's their house and they are offering you space, but there are other ways to balance that out. Paying some rent, chores around the house, some way you get to contribute and still maintain that you are grown, your own person, working on creating a life you want.
It's reasonable you would have feelings like "anxious and cranky." It doesn't sound like you're in what feels like a safe place and sounds like there are a lot of triggers there for you.
It sounds like this is a temporary situation? Perhaps making some lists or drawings of what you are moving toward will help. I hope you go on the beach getaway. Maybe you can find ways to take some time away from your FOO's home somewhat regularly, to help you get through. I'm sorry it's so hard.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best.