Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

[Elphanigh]

Thanks San, I had just lost perspective on how big a thing my masters was. Not everyone gets to do this work. I graduated with my undergrad over two years ago, almost 3 years so it has been s long gap. I always wanted to go back but I needed to do my own healing first. I would not have been ready for this kind of study without it.

I am trying to take breaks as I can, especially while recovering from being sick. It is a ton of reading and note taking. Trying to absorb information about theories and relevant fundamentals that I will need. I am hopeful my mind is a discerning as you take it to be.

At the moment I am really noting how difficult this transition is. Going from no school to jumping into a challenging masters program is a lot of change. The reminder of Ems is really helpful today 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Wishing you the best, and hope that you feel better soon.  You've got a lot of work to cope with, all that reading and note taking, so be kind to yourself and I hope you enjoy it.  Lots of change to adjust to, and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope  I am starting to feel much better, just a little bit of the sickness left 


School is pretty well in full force after the long weekend. I am honestly finding the transition back a little more difficult than I thought I would. I love the concept of school, always have, learning and growing is something I adore. Having been gone from it so long though makes this transition back difficult. I am not really sure how to completely adapt to being back, I know I will, but it is different to jump back in and so fully at that. I kind of expected it to be like riding a bike but it is more like a language, things are familiar and you remember enough to get by but not to feel proficient. It is a much larger learning curve than riding a bike again would be.

For the survivor part of me it is unsettling because it brings up the feelings of not belonging, uncertainty, and dealing with unknowns. It is just intimidating and slightly anxiety inducing. I am doing well to put it in perspective most of the time, and be patient with myself as I learn to succeed in this environment again. I know it will come back, and I will find my balance. This is a big change and I deserve a bit of time to find it.

It does not quite feel real yet to me, even though I have been sitting in classes and doing all the work related to it. That surrealness may be affecting my ability to adapt to this. Eventually it will settle in I imagine.


ON a different note, my philosophy minor is coming in handy here. I am able to think and understand a lot of theories because I was taught them from a different perspective. It is intriguing to see the across subjects. I absolutely love it. 

I do also note that, especially with my more clinical classes, that it is like breaking the third wall in theatre. Having been through therapy extensively, I am seeing it now from the therapists' perspective which feels like third wall breaking. Lots of "oh that is what she was using, or maybe that was her thought process etc.." Kinda cool too be honesty, but definitely an odd feeling. It is nice to be able to see both sides though.

Anyways that has been a look into student life for me. It is weird to feel like I am in a completely different life from the one I was living three weeks ago. I know it is not entirely separate, but it is like being thrust into a different stage of life in the matter of hours basically.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the update, with details of how it's going, your realisations etc. I wish you the best going into the future too

[Three Roses]

... it is like being thrust into a different stage of life in the matter of hours basically.

I can only imagine how unsettling that would be! Best of luck to you! 

[woodsgnome]

Strange as the immediate awe at the new situation seems, you still seem grounded enough to not be totally overwhelmed either.

I love that 'third wall' phenomenon you describe and how it's helping you add another perspective to the tough times you endured to even arrive at this point. In short, it's the essence of education -- yes, there are instructors but there's also your own heart's view of your new dreams to contribute to a world that needs you. 

Here's to further discoveries 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all, I am always grateful to get to share this journey with people. 

Blueberry, I will try to periodically update as I go. Eventually I know I will go back to therapy and have more to say. Also once I start the trauma part of the curriculum more will be bound to come up. I really appreciate all the well wishes for the future.


Three Roses, it is really unsettling. Initially it was so exciting, and it still can be, but it is such a large adjustment that is just feels stressful at the moment. I know it will pass but it is certainly difficult.

Woodsgnome, thank you for the kind words. I had not thought about the fact I am managing to stay mostly grounded and not overwhelmed by it all. There are small moments where I feel a bit of overwhelm but those are rare, for the most part I felt grounded enough to stay out of that.

The third wall is sooo entertaining. I feel like I get a lot from in both academically and as a survivor. I am curious to be that more as I go into more specific work the next two years.



I think the oddest thing for me is how much my survivor status has felt like part of my identity recently. I didn't notice it as much recently until school started. Now it feels like it is a giant piece of me again, that and my sexual orientation. I am not sure why the spike but I am sure I will figure that out soon enough 

[sanmagic7]

it's an all-new environment, for sure.  just the masters part of it - it's not like undergrad.  that may account for some of the difficulty w/ getting back into it - it's a different world than you're used to.  like riding a bike w/ a basket in front to now riding a bike w/ gears.  it's still a bike, but a very different kind.  it'll take a bit of getting used to, i don't doubt, but i'm sure it'll get there.

i love that you're able to break down that 'third wall' - great concept.  getting to see therapy from a different side.  it worked wonders for me, is what allowed me to get away from that narc t i'd been involved w/.  i was finally taught what real ethics in therapy looked like, and discovered she had none!  it saved my life, i don't doubt that.  so, yeah, it's a monster change of perspective and therapeutic knowledge for someone who's actually gone thru therapy.

i know you're having little faltering steps here and there, but i know you'll get steady on your feet in very little time.  so glad your philosophy is working for you in this, too.  that's great.  you are amazing!  love and hugs, always.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for validating all of this, San!  It is nice to hear that from someone that gets how different grad school is, I was starting to question my own feelings on it. Thinking maybe it was just me and my own ability to handle the new pressures.

I am glad you got to be saved by the new perspective. It is giving me a lot of appreciation for my old T, who was very ethical and used things so seamlessly. It is a lot of information and I can tell her instincts were so ingrained with this stuff.

I will eventually feel a little more steady. This past month has presented me with a lot, not just school starting. I am working on just staying organized and ahead of the game so this starts to feel more natural and normal to me again. Lots of love 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
You have had a lot to cope with this past few weeks, and I hope you can give yourself credit for that, because it must have been hard to adjust to so much.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Hope, that was really encouraging.  It took me quite a while to give myself credit for the difficulty of this transition.  I really have had to recognize that change is difficult  and I am working to cope with a lot at once.

Thank you for noting it 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
to you.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope! I keep meaning to update here but never quite have the time. Things are super busy and challenging right now, but I am doing all that I can 

It means the world that you

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Elph, keep up with the challenge, follow your instincts -- so far, your courage and resolve are shining examples of taking that all-important next step.

While the destination may fade in and out, the important part remains -- that you're following your heart's desire.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the encouragement Woodsgnome  I do miss this place, but I know that I am focusing my energy on the newest adventure. It is a lot to do, so as I read some here I rarely respond or write for myself. I do think of everyone though