Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

[Elphanigh]

Starting a new chapter tonight! I have moved states, gone to my first mental health conference, and register for graduate classes tomorrow! It only feels fitting to have a new journal for all of this. I have learned so much and have so many ideas from just one conference. I am also finding skills I learned in therapy are truly paying off during this process, hoping that will continue.

This is number 4 for me (goodness I write a lot in two years)... I am finding it fitting as 4 is my lucky number that this part of my journey gets to be journal number 4 

I don't have a lot to say, but I know I will need this space and missed writing here while I was away the last couple of weeks. Onto the new adventure!

[woodsgnome]

Elphanigh, it's soooo good to see you've opened the pages of Journal #4 and are willing to share some of what your ride is like these days.

As we know, so many of these times have seen you go through some pretty jagged edges, but here you are, having made it this far and raring to plunge into this new adventure.

Best wishes as you step closer to those dreams which once probably seemed so distant, so futile, so  doubtful. But again -- here you are!

                                
                                               

 
                                             

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome, thank you so much for the encouragement!! It does truly make my day to read it. I have struggled so much in the past, and am learning to exist and enjoy this space. It is strange and exciting. The dream doesn't seem so distant anymore, and to me that is phenomenal.

I am so glad to have you on this journey with me 

[Not Alone]

Welcome back!  Look forward to reading your posts and supporting you through the ups and downs.

[Three Roses]

Welcome back! So glad you're settling in and on this next leg of your journey. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses 

[Elphanigh]

I have not had a whole lot to write which I guess is probably truly a positive. I am realizing that because I am no longer working 60 hour weeks, and am not going through the intense emdr and healing that I have so much more time and energy. Sometimes I find it is difficult to know what to do with that sort of feeling, but I am working to embrace and enjoy it. I realize that not having things to specifically be doing or focusing on used to be really triggering for me, but is not so much any more. I have my moments but mostly this is good and necessary.


I am constantly finding progress in my every day life. It is nice to get to note how different things are from when I started with my last T two years ago, getting to be proud of myself for how far I have come has been atrememndous thing. I do think this is all coming st the right time in my life for once. I know eventually I will go back and start working on my trauma intentionally again but for the moment I am going to enjoy the benefits of having done all the work i did the last few years. I feel like I and even younger me deserve that much.

[Not Alone]

I have not had a whole lot to write which I guess is probably truly a positive. I am realizing that because I am no longer working 60 hour weeks, and am not going through the intense emdr and healing that I have so much more time and energy. Sometimes I find it is difficult to know what to do with that sort of feeling, but I am working to embrace and enjoy it.

Glad to hear that you are doing well and able to celebrate the healing you have achieved.

[Three Roses]

  

[Elphanigh]

  Thank you for celebrating with me! It is such a weird feeling but one I am grateful to have. 

Now I am just excited for classes to start in August. It feels forever away

[Hope67]

   Glad you are enjoying this time - and I wish you the best for this stage in your journey.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Hope!


I had my first trigger since leaving my T a few days ago, nothing too huge but it has been interesting dealing with the emotions after the fact. Wanting to reach for help and missing it, but also wanting so much to be independent and capable on my own. I have found a happy medium. Not falling back on my T (not current but not exactly past either) but talking to a few friends just sharing bits to help me process it and not feel alone.

Right now I have a large dose of survivors guilt going on... like my goodness I feel guilty for being well and healing like I have. I feel bad for not struggling as much as I see people twice my age struggling. I am grateful I have done so much work early but I find I feel guilty for it as well... I know it will pass it always has. I just keep wondering, Why me? Why do I get to feel better and freer when others are still trapped by it. People who have spent many more years in it than I have even.


I have also started trying to reconcile some sort of belief in something bigger. I am not sure I ever can or really want to, but I have been finding myself asking more questions lately. I am unsure and just want answers that I can't yet find for myself. I am not sure I can ever reconcile all that has happened with some sort of compassionate all knowing being.... maybe one day, but not right now. I am just questioning more than I have ever done so in my life. Maybe time to read some books ?

Anyways back to unpacking but I needed to come here and write some

[Deep Blue]

You know why you get to move on? It's cuz you worked so so hard for it sweetie! You challenge yourself all the time and you deserve everything positive that comes your way. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Deep Blue

It is really good to hear from you. I keep trying to remind myself of all the hard work I have done to deserve to move on in the ways I am. It helps some, more so to hear it from someone else too honestly.

I guess I just feel guilt over getting to do so early on in life, when I know people that deserve to be getting to move on more than I do. Maybe paid more dues etc? Idk, comparing is never healthy, so I need to kick this thought process

[Deep Blue]

We all move at our own pace sweetie.  We are of all ages, all genders, and have had many different types of trauma.  Comparing any of us is like comparing apples to oranges ya know?

Much love and I'm glad you are doing well.