Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

[Elphanigh]

Thanks dear  You're very right, and I appreciate knowing you're glad I am doing well.

[Blueberry]

I am constantly finding progress in my every day life. It is nice to get to note how different things are from when I started with my last T two years ago, getting to be proud of myself for how far I have come has been atrememndous thing.

I know eventually I will go back and start working on my trauma intentionally again but for the moment I am going to enjoy the benefits of having done all the work i did the last few years. I feel like I and even younger me deserve that much.

  You and younger you do deserve it!

As to comparing the speed of your healing process with the speed of that of some of us on here who've been working on it for decades - well I admit I've been comparing my speed to yours too. Not healthy, not particularly helpful, but not uncommon with our diagnosis, I believe. I am truly happy for you and my impression is that you work really hard and you deserve everything you're getting now!! I've been blaming myself for not working hard enough, not as hard as you. I may write more on my own Journal sometime, an in-depth discussion doesn't belong on yours.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, thank you for celebrating my wins with me and for you very open reply.  :hug:I definitely think you are working hard enough, this junk isn't easy. Comparing does come rather hand in hand with our diagnosis, not helpful but certainly common, you're right. I don't think diving in and only having trauma work as the focus in life for several years is right for everyone, it was barely something that worked for me at times.  There is definitely a reason I needed this break from it and was rather burnt out at the end.

My T used to tell me it was pure determination and will power, tha I was born with a lot of resilience somehow. That it was also probably some of the left over fight from needing to save people in my life. Nonetheless, I did do a lot of work and need to remind myself it is okay to be okay.

[Three Roses]

I'm happy for you! Your progress gives me hope that is attainable for me, too. 

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, that is really good to hear! I do really think it is attainable for everyone, or I would like to believe it is. It is my hope I can help some people do that, by going into clinical work. I do also hope for myself that when I go back I can make even more progress, just not sure when that will be. 

[Elphanigh]

Finally coming out of some of the survivor's guilt I was getting. I have really done the work and deserve to be happy and well. The old voices of not being deserving or worth while were really setting in there. I think that inner critic of mine was getting me in the for of guilt, because the memories/emotions I was dealing with were ones that revolved around the idea that I was worthless and at fault, so of course I was feeling guilty for getting better. That voice doesn't believe that I deserve good things. I wrote a letter to my M, and did some moving around to get those voices unstuck. It helped a ton. I am recognizing that guilt for what it is.

I am becoming more and more excited for August to come, but I know that will mean being busy. It also means the beginning of a long two years with not big break from my studies. I know it will be well worth it, but am trying to remind myself to soak in all the rest that I can before it starts.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
You do deserve to be happy and well, and coming out of some of the survivor's guilt - I'm glad you're feeling that way.  August will be here before you know it - but you sound very keen to experience everything before it starts, and I hope that you are able to savour it.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Hope, I am so excited for August but yes also trying to savour everything before that as well. It is a strange mix.

It is super nice to get to come out of survivors guilt. I get it in waves and thankfully they never stay too long.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
August will soon be here!  But wishing you the best for July in the meanwhile.  Savouring everything before that as well sounds really great.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

It has been a long time since I have written here, which is mostly a positive. Things have been going really well and unfortunately I come here because it stopped going as well for a moment. It will pass but I wanted to write here.

Last week my apartment building had someone try to smash in the window to our front door. They didn't succeed but it is scary because they meant to get in for some reason. I know that struck some fear in me but felt like I was doing really well to handle it as it came up. However, I was not sleeping well at all. I was getting some hours but I was waking up on and off, feeling like I never hit a deep sleep at all and was constantly exhausted. I think that cycle ended last night, I finally got some sleep.

Poking the bear, so to speak, has given me a pretty constant deep gut feeling that just produces anxiety when I try to help it. Talking with my old T last night helped a lot. Well it also helped cause the major trigger, but it did then calm the trigger down and help me identify what was going on. We did some processing over the phone and just kind of unsettled me, then I got really badly triggered just simply making dinner last night.  I didn't recognize it immediately as an emotional flashback until of course I got the nauseous feelings from just smelling food... I got to talk with my T again after than and we did some visualization work that helped calm the trigger and identify what happened.

This fragmented part of myself that hold tons of fear had shown itself and was triggered by all of this, thus the lack of sleep this week. It is beyond difficult to sit with fear. It is an overwhelming emotion by nature, so trying to sit with it long enough to give it the care that it needs is near impossible. I am managing to do small doses as to not get overwhelmed by it again. This has meant that I am getting not only the physical sensations from where this fear sits in my gut, but also flashes of memories that relate to it. I don't think there is anything new in there yet, but there are things that have become a little more clear and things that I haven't thought about in a while.


**TW**



I need to put some of those flashes to words so I can kind of keep track of any trends and note anything of particular potency. The first one which is less a flash and more a full memory is one where my dad smashed a hole in a door. What makes this memory full of fear and uncertainty is that I was in front of that door, I was not sure if that punch was coming for me or not but I remember being unable to move... Thankfully it didn't hit me, it busted the wood in the door but not my head or something. Instead of any comfort or apology, I got told I shouldn't have been there and that it was my fault for being where I didn't belong.. Mind you this was an open area in the house I grew up in, so I was normally allowed to be in that space.


I get flashes of moments from February when I was hurt in my hotel room.  The intense fear I felt that night, not being able to get the man out of my room or myself to leave is so similar to what is stored in this ball of fear I have.

When I was six I was forced to give oral sex to a man and that comes up for me here. The lack of any ability to change what was happening, and the true fear that it would never stop, that I would choke.

Which brings back some preverbal stuff where I couldn't breathe, that is not a visual memory but I can feel it in my body. Not being able to breathe is a real theme in my life that started there. It went to a moment with my uncle that put his hand around my neck and nearly suffocated me because I back talked and tried to escape him hurting me... then of course small bits of abusers that would do it for fun if I was not being cooperative... Then sometimes getting hit or hurt so badly I didn't feel like I could catch my breath at all. Of course there is a lot of fear in those memories so I am getting flashes of them.

I get moments of when my mom had a stroke in front of me. She just collapsed and I was the only one present. I was in early grade school and my dad wasn't home. I had younger siblings and had to save my M. I managed to make the call to my dad and grandpa and saved her, but I was so afraid. Seeing my M, even though she was not always healthy for me, was terror inducing.

Then not so much a specific memory, but being fearful of what would come through my closed door. I was allowed to clsoe my bedroom door but never lock it. Sometimes that would mean that one of my abusers would come in, or that an angry parent would storm in etc... I was never allowed true privacy in that space, including in the bathroom sometimes.. I remember a sense of fear for that a lot. Never truly being able to know I was safe.. not even in my room at night.


**end TW**




Anyways that is about as much as I can do.  Maybe more later but I think I got a lot out and need to not get overwhelmed by it

[Tee]

  fear can be overwhelming. I'm kind of stuck in a fear loop right now too.  Glad you were able to get some out hope it helps keep you grounded.  Gentle caring hug

[Three Roses]

Elphanigh - 

You are truly a beautiful, strong, courageous woman. A survivor, thru and thru. I'm glad we're here for you, to listen when you need us. 

[Not Alone]

It is good to hear from you, although I'm sorry that you are struggling. Understandable that the person trying to break in was so triggering to you. Supporting you with care. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all for the kind words  It means the world I can still come here and write. I didnt realize it had been so long. Life just has been going so quickly and really well recently. Harder to come and write here when until more recently my trauma hasn't been much present in my life. Has been a good change of pace.


I know this will pass but it is overwhelming at times and really hard to just let be. It will pass as it always does.. but  it is hard to keep in perspective having so much thrown into my head at once. It is like an awful swirling in my head still...

All the hugs are the best, thank you 

[Three Roses]