Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

[Not Alone]

Thinking of you Elphanigh. 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Thinking of you too.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both  It means a lot to come here and see that. I will try to post an update soon

[Elphanigh]

I keep meaning to come here and update but I don't feel like I ever have much time in my life for anything anymore. Grad school is rewarding but beyond difficult to keep up with. Right now I just want some food and solid rest. I am almost done with my first semester of my master's program, just about a month left and that includes Thanksgiving break! It is crazy how fast time passes. It is also crazy the amount I have to finish before the end of the semester, it is truly daunting. 

There have been a great number of wins though  I don't celebrate them nearly enough but I try to give myself at least a few minutes to celebrate them when I can. Things like the fact that my lowest grade on any assignment or exam this semester is still a 95 percent (most everything has been straight 100s) this will be a great buffer for my long term gpa. I also feel like it really validates that I am in the area that I am meant to be. I am succeeding and really showing my strengths. I have my practicum contract for next semester worked out, and am being given a research position that will give me a coauthor credit on current research! That is the dream, or at least a step towards it.

All the wins are overshadowed by the stress and time crunch of grad school if I am not careful though. Honestly, I have to rely on others to help me keep perspective sometimes.


Okay now more for the trauma and emotional stuff:

This time of year is really difficult for me because there are a lot of really difficult anniversaries (i.e. deather anniversaries, trauma event anniversaries, and extra reminders). It has meant more triggers, memories, and nightmares. Honestly, the nightmares are the worst of it because my sleep level already suffers because of strss from school. They are slowly getting better as I am working on some grounding stuff before bed, however, my memories have been stronger for a few days.

I believe the cold weather and snow are triggering memories from last February when I was assaulted in that hotel room. It has brought up more sexual abuse memories than I am used to having. I had gone a really long time without them being quite this prevalent in my life. With that, I am working to find a new therapist for when I get back from my vacation (I finally get insurance in my state.. took forever). I am reluctant to get a new one after having such a great relationship with my old therapist.

I need to go back though, it is normal to not want to teach someone new about my life. I know I need to go back but it is difficult and I worry about my ability to balance it with school and work. Although, I know as someone that is studying to do that very job, that therapists should be able to help and be aware of limits on clients based on their outside life. I can't go in as deep or as intense as I did previously because I am at a much different part of my life.

Okay, I will right more later but my focus is going. Thanks for reading and being here  Know that I think of everyone here

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for stopping by with an update. I know you're deep into the academic swirl with all its ups/down and ins/outs, besides still trekking away from the previous paths that, well, at least aren't indicative of where you are now, mostly thanks to the self-work and motivation to stay with the new road.

Here's hoping for your continued growth with all that you've shared. Parts of it might still seem rough, but the signs of a bold turn in your road are very evident. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for reading Woodsgnome  It is always amazing to hear your thoughts and encouragement on all of this. It is a lot to take on, but you have given me some perspective on my progress.

[Hope67]

Dear Elpha,
Just wanted to wish you the best for your studies, and I know this time of year is challenging for you - with all the Anniversaries, but I hope very much that you are doing ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support, and hope that you are doing ok 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, you are so kind to come here and check-in! I have been planning to come and write here. I have two weeks left of the semester and they will be very intense but I am glad it is almost time for Christmas Break  Overall things are good here, even if stressful and anniversary filled. I have been doing pretty well with it as a whole. I also think with some good news I received that I am able to keep perspective on all of the stressors right now.




Now for the news sharing, I will try to keep it short:

1. I just got back from vacation in Hawaii, and it was beautiful. I loved every second of it and felt like I found a place that was serene and peaceful in ways I can't quite describe. It felt like that place just fed my soul and heart.

2. My family was good on that trip. My M apologized for some of her faults and really does seem to be making major changes in her life. I felt like I had a lot of things from her that I needed to get. It was very healing and I am still working through all the emotions surrounding it.

3. School is crazy but going well! I still have impeccable grades and feel like I am absorbing so many new skills. I cannot wait to dive in more to some of the topics next semester.

4. This is the biggest one and I am still really in the processing stages. I found out yesterday that I no longer meet the criteria for Ptsd, that given a scale or a test that no one could formally diagnose me with it anymore. It is a label that I have had for a really long time and one that I did not believe I would ever truly shed. This does not mean that I will never have issues or memories because I definitely do, but it is a sign of so much healing work culminating in the reduction of the effects of my trauma on me. It has come in waves of emotion and realizations, which I think will continue for a while. For me what resonates the most is that I can fully believe that my trauma is not a life sentence, that the people and things that happened do not define who I am or what my life gets to be. I recognize it no longer gets to have that control and really hasn't for a while. I get to choose to live a full life and to not be limited because of other peoples' actions.. it does not make me less capable of things than anyone else. I finally believe those things into my bones basically. I could write a million more words on the subject but will refrain for now as I know I am still reeling from the news and that my emotional brain is still rather invested in it.

5. Oh, I also found a new therapist and have my first session with her on the 17th. I am hopeful but also apprehensive of it but I am really going to try to go in open-minded. I also got granted a research position in the field of ACEs and Intergenerational trauma that I am thrilled about pursuing starting in January.

Anyways that is my update for now. Thank you all for being such a part of my journey even if I am not posting here as often 

[Snowdrop]

Wow! Elpha, you're an inspiration. I'm delighted for you. and

[Not Alone]

Thanks for the update. Big news on many fronts. Happy for you and your continued growth and healing.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both! It is really wonderful to have all this good new to share 

[woodsgnome]

Elpha, these words: " ...my trauma is not a life sentence"; along with the other news and good vibes you shared, are most impressive and it was so good to read that.

Keep it up. And hope you get on well with the new therapist and all the developments ahead.   

[sanmagic7]

o my dear el, that's such great news!  good luck w/ your new t, and enjoy your research position - it sounds fantastic!

i'm so proud of you for all the work you've done, the effort you've put into it, the determination and perseverance to get thru some mighty rough times.  well done, you!    i can't fully express how happy i am for you - you're amazing!

love and hugs filled w/ learning!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much, San  It is great to hear from you, I really should post more. The semester is almost done, I have 9 days left!  I cannot wait for a break

[Blueberry]

Wow, Elpha! That is some progress I'm so happy for you. You have done a ton of work to get to that place