Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

Started by Elphanigh, June 03, 2019, 01:28:19 AM

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Elphanigh

I am really glad to hear from your Blueberry  :hug: :cheer: Thank you for validating my progress and hard work <3 I have honestly gotten so absorbed in school work I have kind of forgotten to celebrate amd recognize it as  much as it deserved

sanmagic7

hey, el,

hopefully school's done for the holidays and you can take a break, enjoy yourself a bit.  you've done a remarkable job so far.  :yes:

love and hugs to you! :hug:

Elphanigh

Hi San,

Thank you  for the loves and hugs! I have a paper to finish (have a short extension on it) but will officially be done tonight. I am looking forward to a few weeks off of school. I have lots of goals for the break, but one of them is to relax and have some fun.

I start my field placement on the 7th (Or 8th) and then classes on the 14th so I have a few weeks rest. I will be working but not an extreme number of hours and I won't work on Christmas at all which is tremendous  :cheer:

I hope you are getting to enjoy yourself as well. Miss you lots!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

sanmagic7

you're in my heart, el, as always.  i'm glad your work is nearly done, and that you don't have a crazy amount of hours on the job over the holidays.  :cheer:

i miss you, too.  love and many hugs back atcha! :hug: :hug: :hug:

Elphanigh

Always glad to be in your heart, dear friend.  :hug: I am excited for the holidays, although they feel a little odd this year. I have not gotten to start celebrating as early as I normally do because of school. I think it is just a shift in mindset that I have not yet made.  The break will be amazing, although I am certain it will feel all too short.

Not Alone

Congratulations on your first successful semester of grad school. Enjoy your break.
:fireworks:

Elphanigh

I am coming here to write, although I am not certain quite what will come out. I have not felt compelled to write here in a while. However, since I am pulled that way now I will certainly do that.

Guess, I will start with an update  :Idunno:

I started my internship this week and had my first day with face to face clients yesterday. That feels like a huge step that is moving me towards my future career. It is admittedly a little overwhelming so far but nothing I can't handle. I think with all the new knowledge and experiences I am just trying to absorb so much at once. Like yesterday was the first time I have ever worked with clients in my life... that is huge  :cheer: I was able to be kind to myself when I came home last night needing a bit more self-care to go after everything. I took the time to really digest the information that came in and process what it felt like to be with clients. I do see how in the moment we can listen to traumas and feelings without allowing our own into that space. Focusing on the client and then needing to do our own work outside of that space. I think this particular internship will really help me learn to do that efficiently and find more what works for me.

I start my research position on Monday! I am stoked for this as well. I was granted a job working on a research project concerning intergenerational trauma. Specifically, the effect that the ACEs that parents have showing effects on their children. It is really fascinating work and I will be able to say I am coauthored on it when all is said and done. I believe that will be a huge step into being able to research and publish my own work one day.

Classes begin on Tuesday as well. I will spend time in seminars, practice with groups and families, and research methods. It should be a bit of an easier class load than before but with my internship hours and the need to work on starting my thesis, it will certainly be busy.

I am determined to do well this semester as I did last one, and really absorb as much information as I can. I am trying to be a sponge to soak every bit that I can up. Anything I can pick up gives me that much more knowledge for my future clients.




On the survivor front, I have a new therapist and really like her tbh. I have not met with her since she got my files from my last T so I am curious as to how she reacts to all of that, but I think it will be positive. We made some goals and have a direction to go in. I have decided to slow my way into things and work on self-care goals as well as working through difficulties with some guilt feelings I have. Eventually, I want to work on some sexual abuse memories but I know as I am transitioning into this new schedule I need to be a little more careful of my energy. I only have so much emotional and physical energy to expend. EMDR takes a large toll on me so I want to see if I will have space and ability or if doing something more like talk therapy and ic work would be wiser. I am glad to be back in therapy but maintain some caution about it because I have to. I do school, volunteering, interning, researching, and working... it is a lot and I try to maintain a life as well. I feel like all of that means I need to give myself the chance to feel all of this out. The last thing I need to to go into overwhelm or burnout. I am proud of myself for being so protective of myself and my well being. There is a time I would not have done that.

I know this is already relatively long, but I am also proud of how I handled some things the last month or so. If you remember, last February I was sexually assaulted. I am coming up on the year mark in a little over a month. So right before Christmas, I was in a place identical to the one that everything occurred in, and then I saw the person two days later. I was able to work through it without any major setbacks and be able to enjoy my days still. It took a lot of energy but I was kind and gentle with myself which I thought was really telling of my work.

Anyways I am reaping the benefits of the progress I have made even if memories are coming up some. I am nervous as I move forward but feeling more and more that I am in the right field in my life. This will all happen and it will be beautiful.

I feel like there is always more but I am going to stop here for now. I wish I had the energy to come here more often, and even more to have the energy to read others' posts here. I do always miss you greatly.  :hug: :hug:

woodsgnome

What an inspiration you've been, Elphanigh,  :) :) :).

Thanks for the update, which confirms a lot of the admirable qualities I'm referencing: determination, willingness to learn and keep on while avoiding burnout; plus being attuned to others and their needs as you undertake your internship and research project.

Then re-entering the world of therapy to further deal with your own issues -- which once seemed almost unbearable and awful to contemplate doing anything resembling what could be called 'progress'.

All of this and more makes for an impressive new start for you, but also an inspiration for those here cheering you on.

Words, again; it feels rather powerless to only have them, so I'll risk this -- a deep  :hug: -- and leave you with wishes for all the best for you in this exciting endeavour you've created from what once seemed so desperately futile.

Congratulations and take great care of your precious self.

Not Alone

I am proud of you too. You are making wise decisions and showing kindness toward yourself.

Elphanigh

Woodsgnome, your words always mean so much to me; never doubt their power  :hug: That being said I love the deep :hug: It means the world to have you alnog on this journey with me. Thank you for all of your kind words here. It is still crazy to hear anyone call me inspiring tbh

Notalone, thank you so much! I really appreciate that as well  :hug: It is good to have validation in the things I am choosing to do for myself in this process.

sanmagic7

you are amazing, el.  you've come so far, continue to progress, and are readying yourself for the future - sounds like you have all the bases covered!  just, wow!  so impressive.

being able to manage seeing your abuser is so huge, especially since it was near the date of the abuse.  well done! :thumbup: 

and i'm glad you found a t you like.  it warms my heart that you want to make the decisions about the course of your therapy - that shows how far you've come, your confidence in yourself in knowing yourself and what you need, and your strength in being able to make those needs known.  great insight on yourself as an individual! 

all i can say is i'm so proud of you - you are an asset to your community and making a positive impression on your world.  you are someone to be reckoned with!  and i say that in the most admirable way.  love and hugs always, my dear el. :hug:

Three Roses

So encouraged by your accomplishments! You're a great example that we are able to rise above our trauma and succeed. Don't worry about not coming here or responding more often - you are responding in real life and, as I'm sure you're aware, your recovery takes first priority.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Those words mean the world coming from both of you  :grouphug: You both mean so much to me. I am glad to be seeing progress and able to still be working on my own healing within this new chapter.

Three Roses, thank you for saying I am responding in real life. That truly resonated with me and where I am in my life right now. I am working so hard to be able to help others like those here and to have a lasting affect in this field.

Sending you both so much loving kindness  :hug:

Elphanigh

So I know it has been over a month since I have come in here to write. I do think of this place a lot but have not had the words or energy I guess. I started with a new therapist whom I like very much just before the first of the year which has been great and my old T has been really helpful in that transition. I came here more to write about the last few days though.

For anyone that was here with me last year in the aftermath, it has been a year since I was revictimized. Well, it was a year yesterday. I find that I am a good deal stronger and more resilient than I thought I would be, but I also recognize how hurt I still am over it. Something like that really shakes you to the core and it certainly did me. I worked really hard with emdr and other therapies to minimize its effects, which I am really glad I did as it seems to have worked really well. NOt to say this isn't painful or difficult, because it is. I can't really express the pain that still sits with me. It is not always active but it still sits there and comes in waves as this anniversary has taken its toll.

I find that what sticks out is the grief around it. I don't feel angry, or anxious, or scared... I just feel hurt. The kind of hurt that "sad" just does not cover. It is a deep heart-wrenchign ache that is deeper than sadness. It is a loss, a big one, of what felt like years of freedom in a way. The body compeltely resets every seven years or so and I had gotten to and celebrated that mark. alst year took that from me again. It reminds me how little control I have over people's actions, even with all the healing and strength I have now. It reminds me how fleeting some of that progress and freedom can be. I know it doesn't take those years of freedom away but it kinda restarts the clock for me. So I am at one year again, six to go I guess.

What also strikes me is how much that voice still matters to me. I know my worth and my value do not lie in the things others have done to me. It doesn't exist in their actions or thoughts.. but in my own self. However, the voice that hurts over losing that year marker is still pretty loud. I want to know I can protect myself and that it will never happen again... to know that I could be free of it forever. I know too well though that I can never guarantee that for myself or anyone else. Life isn't that predictable or controllable and it never will be. So i find myself fighting the voice that says it will always happen again. I fight to try to remember it is possible to live without those things happening, and to remember that I deserve a life free of it. Even if it happened I still deserve it. I want to believe I can have that life free of it, but I have a harder time beliving in that hope. I am generally a beacon of hope for other people and it is hard to have the hope for myself at the moment. I think that is what is hardest. I have always dreamed, hoped, and lived on that. So having it in question is painful to the core of who I am.

sanmagic7

the people who have hurt us have no idea just what kind of impact they've had on our lives, on so many levels.  i just began finding that out while working w/ my t (just before she had surgery), discovering how much was taken away from me that i, too, continue to try to correct.  i didn't know about the 7 year cycle, but i've got about 1 1/2 yrs. in since my last big wound.  hopefully, we will be able to whittle that cycle down so the impact is not quite as intense and profound as time goes on.

i'm with you, el, as is ems, embracing you, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, shielding and protecting you while you regain your strength and power. :bighug:  i hate those kinds of anniversaries - i wish i could forget them as easily as i forget friends' birthdays and the like.  love you always. :hug: