Fed up with myself

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
Feeling so much frustration today around my inconsistency with daily actions /self care and building good things..
I make lists, get clear, set goals, speak. To others and yet bam I always end up back to square one. This is happening in my life with over spending, exercise and doing art..
I'm either all. Or. Nothing and I'm really really trying to get more balance..
It's like I'm on it (in a more balanced way which is progress or I'm off it. When I'm off doing the actions that help me achieve the things I want to I don't even rember I'm off...

Grrrrrrr so frustrated with myself

[irishrebel]

same here. started hanging doors last week...3 out of 5 done, then lost interest and tools just got pushed in to corners while i went fishing and hillwalking
sitting now looking across and the tools have been joined by walking gear and fishing gear and i cant get my head around doing anything about it lol....
main thing though, is that im still moving forward and the things im doing when going off on tangents are mostly healthy for mind, body and soul.
we'll get there eventually 

ádh mór

[Kizzie]

im still moving forward and the things im doing when going off on tangents are mostly healthy for mind, body and soul.  we'll get there eventually

Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard and part of you is rebelling Boats?  FWIW I now break chores down into chunks and (mostly) stopped beating myself up into getting everything done all at once and to really high standards.  I see it as a gift to myself.

The other day my H (ex Army, fulfill the mission at all costs type of approach) broke cutting the lawn into two days and when he was done he said how much better it was.  Eureka, a convert?!  

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks kizzie
Um yes people tell me I'm hard on myself and to be kind.. I don't see it all I see is that I bloomin wish I had more self discipline... I feel I have so much potential and I'm stunted...
It does feel like something though
Quote 'part of u is rebelling....
Am going to look at that some more thank you x

[Kizzie]

 

[woodsgnome]

Well, I'm a poor example of ever 'getting it all together'. That's all I know for sure.

When I take the false notion of perfectionism  out of the mix, I tend to feel better and remember I have options to feel okay, which doesn't ever keep the junk from filtering back into mind, but helps to reset the thoughts that keep intruding on the peace with self we know we're worthy of.

The other day I ran into two statements said in just four words. It was like they just popped out at me as I was opening a book to a random page and there they were. I wasn't even looking for anything special, just scanning.  But once I saw those words, it was like they were sitting there just for me to take notice (and now share).

Without looking for any grand context, it was as if the words were speaking directly to me. Lest this sound like only a personal story, I feel they also relate to what Boatsetsailrose has reflected on in this post. So often when we try so hard it gets very tough to see any way forward and we start once more blaming ourselves. These words, for now and I hope down the road, might help refocus to where I can re-adjust my life's pattern. Oh, before I forget -- the two statements/ four words were: tired mind, wild heart.

I've spent my whole life grinding the mind to a frazzle with worry and analysis of how life went in the ditch. While I sensed the heart was still there, I also know it's been trapped behind the doors, understandably defending the heart from its multiple traumas but also the walls I built around it (sealing the heart in so it wouldn't ever be hurt again but also isolating it). So along with troubled mind came hyper-vigilance., mindfulness at its worst since there was so much trying involved that seemed to only bring the pain back in.

Maybe it is useful to give the mind a break (even if it's not 'perfect'; it's likely we'll always try and sneak in perfectionism again as a favoured old defensive habit). So while it's likely impossible to stop fretting forever, for me at least I've begun listening to that wild heart bursting the doors down to lend its own "perfect" way of being.

I so hope you can adjust your sights there as well, Boatsetsailrose and everyone else who comes across this post. May you find new heartful ways of being that isn't -- but really is -- perfect in its wild ways. While those ways may not fix us, they just might loosen up enough of our tight self-criques to see some new directions leading away from the walls we've built.

May we learn to quell the tired mind with the wild heart. May we all sense new possibilities that comes with the heartfulness. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Woods gnome
Beautiful and perfect timing... Thank u..
My wild heart is gaining more and more in wanting to be around people in the performing arts... My expression of dance, bodywork, theatre and altering my brain chemistry through these things are so magically transforming as I become who I am..
Quote
'Sense new possibilities that come from the heart fulness'
Being reminded to look to the heart for its swelling gentle truth is such a gift.. I didn't know I really had a heart until I put all my addictions down.
Lets let the heart lead the way today for the direct link with the divine Ness will guide us to the magic of living...

[MoonBeam]

Just wanted to thank you Boats for sharing and starting this thread and the fabulous, thoughtful replies. 

"Quote
'Sense new possibilities that come from the heart fulness'
Being reminded to look to the heart for its swelling gentle truth is such a gift.. I didn't know I really had a heart until I put all my addictions down.
Lets let the heart lead the way today for the direct link with the divine Ness will guide us to the magic of living..."

Exactly what I needed to hear and where I need to be today!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Lovely moon beam.. Sending you best wishes for today