Coping with False Accusations

[dewachen]

Hello
I hope this email finds everyone well. I need some advice on how to cope with false accusations from my abuser. This has happened to me all my life leaving me feeling helpless and ashamed. I am taking my sister to court now(my other abuser is now dead). From my interactions with the authorities they suggest they see her as a nice person. In addition I have seen blatant lies she has written about about me(fortunately I have proof that they are lies). I just find it hard to cope with the feelings. Does anyone have similar experiences and advice, please? I am going to court soon and am terrified what she will say and also to see her again. Many thanks.

[Kizzie]

Hi Dewachen, so sorry to hear what you're dealing with.  Unfortunately many of us here have been through this, especially those of us whose abusers have a personality disorder.  Smear campaigns are a common tactic used and they can be devastating emotionally so you're not alone in how you feel about going to court. 

Do you have a trusted friend or family member who understands and validates what's going on and can go with you to court as a source of support?  Also, do you have a lawyer who understands the dynamics of abuse? Fortunately courts are beginning to understand the deceptive & damaging behaviour of people with a PD (tks Donald Trump) so it may be less difficult than you would think to be believed about your S's behaviour, especially given you have written proof of her lies. 

[dewachen]

Hi Kizzie
Thank you for your reply. Its horrible to think that others have experienced smear campaigns but glad I am not on my own, if you know what I mean. I didn't realise this was common.

I have support from my good friends and  corroborating evidence. I am in the UK, so I am not sure how the courts see it. I am terrified that she will be able to deceive the courts. She is very skillful.

I am just trying not to freeze and also get some self care  strategies. I am very grateful for this forum. Thank you.

[Rainagain]

Hi Dewachen,

I have experienced this for quite a few years now in the run up to a court case.

My case is still some way off but the blame is being placed upon me by the defendant.

It is part of the legal process and although it feels Intensely personal it is part of the process.

The other side create a counter narrative that excuses them and puts the blame on you.

This has caused me great stress but I am beginning to see it as a process not a judgement of me, it's just tactics for court.

My approach is to examine the claims of the other side and check the facts carefully.

They are looking for anything that can damage you, any half truth they can distort to aid them.

It is exhausting to unpick the claims and very upsetting, but they are playing a game, they probably dont even believe the claims they make, they are simply trying  to create arguments for court which you have to counter.

The key is the witness statements, in court these are what the questioning will be based on.

Refine your statement, scrutinise all the other statements to spot the half truths and spin.

Strengthen your statement in the areas which will come under attack in court, you can do this by spotting what the counter narrative is going to be, usually it's a direct attack on your character, your actions and your honesty/reliability.

In the UK the court process is adversarial, they will attempt to damage your evidence by damaging your credibility, it's simply how it works.

The process is the same in every case, even if the case were about someone selling you a faulty washing machine the manufacturer would try the same stuff, saying you did not operate it properly, any old nonsense.

In my case the distortions and half truths are shocking, but it is being done to form an argument for court, it doesn't mean the argument is true, it doesn't mean the other side even believe it is true, it's simply an argument built for the court to consider.

Your task is to put together your witness statement using the facts in order to dismantle their argument and support your own.

In my case the facts are clear but even so the other side has painted such a poor picture of me that my own legal people seem to be concerned, very dispiriting.

Treat it as court proceedings not an attack on you, hard I know, but in a way it is not personal, it's simply how the legal system works and all the judges and lawyers know how the game is played.

The other side will attack your evidence even if they know you are right and they know full well their client is at fault.

In the witness box they will try to get you to accept their suggestions even when they know their suggestions are wrong.

Do not be terrified of what will be said in court, it will be in the witness statements so you will already know the content and can prepare to refute it in your statement before court.

I wish you well.