[Pilgrim]

Hi

I am really struggling at the moment. I have another disability which sits at the interface between neurology and psychiatry and which causes physical disabilities. I help out with a charity associated with the condition. I know my C-PTSD is orbital at the moment (my psychologist reckons I could do with an in-patient stay) and so I am finding it hard to know if I am being "over-sensitive" or not. But my co-volunteers are driving me nuts. I feel not listened to and that I have to keep reminding them that the devolved nations exist, with differing legal systems and regulatory bodies. I want to help those without a voice (I'm a lawyer) so don't want to walk away but those close to me say that it is making me ill. I don't want to be a quitter but I feel like a failure because I feel like I'm not getting through. I suppose you might say "powerless" but I feel worthless, useless - all those things made to feel constantly as a child. 

[Not Alone]

Pilgrim,
I am sorry that you are experiencing such intense, difficult feelings. If in-patient would be best for you right now, then let yourself be helped in that way. You are an important, precious person.

[Pilgrim]

Thanks Notalone. Unfortunately hospital stays have always made me worse - if  I go voluntarily, within a few hours I am detained (sectioned) and left to bounce off the walls. I can't stand it when I see a vulnerable person being made a fool off by staff so tackle them about it. That lands me in a single room, with a mattress on the floor, 2 guards (sometimes both male and I am female) and another 2 female guards to watch me go to the toilet which is ensuite and the door is still left open. Despite that my 2 kids (20 and 18 in 6 days) tell me they love me and that I'm a good mum and wife I feel like I've trapped them all in this *-hole and they really would be better off to lead the good life they so deserve without my toxic presence. Just burn me, scatter my ashes, walk away and forget I ever existed. Why can't we come with an off/on switch.Sorry just feel like I've sailed past despair beyond and losing the strength to turn around. Going to try and sleep - will just blast my headphones in hope of drowning out my thoughts.
Thanks for replying.

[Blueberry]

my co-volunteers are driving me nuts. I feel not listened to .... I feel worthless, useless - all those things made to feel constantly as a child. 

Sounds like a massive EF to me. Re-feeling what you felt as a child is a good clue there. That doesn't mean that your co-volunteers are in the right or anything. I'm not supporting them. If you have to keep reminding them of something they ought to know (devolved nations and legal systems), that will get super-annoying.

I want to help those without a voice (I'm a lawyer) so don't want to walk away but those close to me say that it is making me ill. I don't want to be a quitter but I feel like a failure because I feel like I'm not getting through.

Could those people close to you be right? If you get really ill, you might have to walk away anyway (been there, had to do that) and then it would take you that much longer to be able to start volunteering again. (My experience anyway.) Would it be possible for you to step down from this volunteer job for a while? There's that idea of helping somebody else only when you're strong enough, often illustrated with the example of a parent in an airplane putting their oxygen mask on before they help children with theirs.

You are not a failure because you are not getting through to some people. It could well be based on their comprehension problems. Also some people just don't want to understand, or they could be narcs. They could be gaslighting https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/gaslighting or any number of other emotionally abusive behaviour. e.g they could be scapegoating you.