And the suffering continues...

[Healing Finally]

Hello all 

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I have done a lot of work to understand my CPTSD since I discovered it a few years back (thanks to OOTF and OOTS.)  I've made a lot of progress, and of course some days are better than others.

But, as I continue to be banned from my FOO (going on 5 years,) I still struggle.  I know I am not responsible and am being scapegoated, and even though I know this has been the pattern ALL MY LIFE; I keep thinking the situation could change, but there is no sign. 

Currently I've been in a CPTSD emotional flashback for almost 2 weeks, due to receiving an email from a cousin that I THOUGHT understood "my side" of the story.  But, after talking to my Mother, out of the blue he sends me a damming email shaming me, and it sent me reeling.  I can't seem to shake it.  I have all the books CPTSD help books,  I know what's going on, and yet I still feel miserable, 

Also, Just a few weeks ago my nephew (sister's son) graduated from college.  The family all went to the graduation and my son hosted a special dinner at his restaurant for the event.  But, of course I was not invited.  My son says that both my sister's sons love and miss me but they do not contact me due to my sister's wishes.  This was traumatic, to be sure, to not be able to meet my son's new girlfriend that he introduced to the family, and not be able to celebrate with them.  But what gets me the most is the ongoing gaslighting and lies that continue behind my back.

My Mother has always enabled my (u)NPD sister, and I'm very sure my sister's disorder is due to my Mother's need to be emotionally tied to her.  What ever my sister says, my mother believes.  5 years ago I hit my limit and sent an angry email that got circulated within my family.  I've had no way to defend myself and no one doubts the motive that my sister and Mom have determined (that I have always been jealous of her.)  Come to find out my CPTSD was triggered by my witnessing my sister's selfish behavior and I lashed out.  When it happened I apologized in multiple letters to her, and to my family. But as my sister refuses to talk to me, my Mother supports her not allowing me to be at family events.

I have met with my Mother and therapist three times to help my Mother to see "my side" and she does when she leaves but forgets very quickly after.  She has her own CPTSD due to her being raised by a narcissistic mother and honestly she cannot see the abuse she receives from my sister, again probably due to her need to be emotionally tied.  If I ever try to point it out, she chalks it up to my  jealousy.  She told my cousin that I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more than me and that's why I'm jealous.  I have never felt this way, and never said this.  ARRRGGHHH 

I honestly just don't know how to protect myself anymore.  I am doing LC with my Mom, even though I love her very much; but her inability to support me is extremely difficult to be around. 

I can't get my work done, I'm sleeping all the time, and pretty much completely shut down.  I see no hope.  HELP. 

[Kizzie]

First of all, welcome back Healing Finally  

FWIW I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I believe you completely, and here (and at OOTF) there are many, many others who will as well.     It is NOT fair or right that your FOO is conducting a smear campaign and ostracizing you. You have a every reason and right to be angry and hurt.  Like you though, many us have found though (and this is the part that is utterly galling and triggering and awful), if/when we do express that to those who are abusing us, things get worse. We are then painted as liars, selfish, jealous, mean, whatever. It's like one kick when we're down, and then another and another. And that is nothing short of soul crushing. Unfortunately, if your S and possibly M have NPD (or your M is very enmeshed with your NPDS), neither one may ever admit anything or change - that's the nature of the PD.

It's a huge loss and a truly difficult reality to process. It helps though to do exactly what you're doing right now though (    and   ), talking here and in therapy about the anger, hurt and grief you feel. 

Keep posting