Let go of a long term 'friend' today

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Boatsetsailrose

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Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« on: June 16, 2019, 07:39:37 PM »
We've been 'friends since I was 16 - 30yrs ago.. She dumped me when I was 23 for smiling the wrong way and we re connected in my early 30s. Most of our relating has been via whats app text. The last couple times I've been to stay with her have been difficult... I'm not the young girl I was and won't be controlled...
It had become more and more apparent that this person is cold, controlling, lacking empathy and at points unkind..
A situation arose where I didn't do what she wanted me to do and the whole thing blew up... I offered 2 olive branches and she said she won't change how she feels and won't talk about it but would be happy to continue a friendship via text whats app and put it behind her.
That wasn't adequate for me and if there was a string of a chance of this relationship surviving I would need to be able to stand up and speak my truth.. Being stonewalled was not something I am willing to live with.
So today after speaking with others I've deleted all mail and contact details and decided enough is enough... I deserve better..

For me now it's keeping in the positive... This is a good sign in my recovery to put my needs as important..
My default is easily to go into self beating... What is wrong with me... Why am I so defective... Will I ever make healthy friends blah blah... How come she gets to be around so many people and I'm pretty alone... I don't want to attract emotionally unavailable people anymore who don't really care... I care about me
But I know that I'm growing and I must stand in the belief that healthy friendships will come my way as I recover.... Why not now... It is possible..

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Three Roses

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2019, 11:47:43 PM »
Quote
I've deleted all mail and contact details and decided enough is enough... I deserve better..

Yes!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Way to go! I love it. You deserve to be treated well and to have relationships that are two-way, mutually beneficial, nurturing and rewarding. Good sticking up for yourself. 👌👏

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Blueberry

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2019, 07:47:41 AM »
 :yeahthat:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2019, 02:00:25 PM »
bssr, i could nearly have written your message verbatim.  just a couple weeks ago, i ended a 25-yr. friendship.  very similar circumstances. 

yes, it leaves me without the amount of friends i'm used to, sadly, but, like you, i know i deserve better.  i'm in the 'boat', setting sail for healthier relationships because i, too, know now that i deserve them.  it was difficult to end it, but honestly, i feel less stress afterwards than keeping it up.

so, kucos to you, sweetie.    :applause:   i've come to the point where i'd rather have me much more alone than the toxicity i've attracted in the past.  love and hugs to you, and well done!   :thumbup:

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2019, 07:59:25 PM »
Hi San
Thank you your identification is helping me today... I'm swinging from feelings of loss to feelings of anger..
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i'm in the 'boat', setting sail for healthier relationships because i, too, know now that i deserve them.  it was difficult to end it, but honestly, i feel less stress afterwards than keeping it up'.
Wonderful and such a good point of feeling less stressed yep I just related to that too!

No more toxicity hey enough is enough I'm done.... Loving ourselves is the start

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Blueberry

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2019, 07:49:22 AM »
I'm swinging from feelings of loss to feelings of anger..

Standing with you while you go through these.

I still feel a sense of loss sometimes about a former friend where the friendship ended months ago. It gets less as time goes by though.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2019, 01:13:41 PM »
Sure thanks blueberry..
I've still in some disbelief that this person ended being so cold and unempathic but actually when I look at the bigger picture it is no surprise it was just my turn to...

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Contessa

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2019, 03:10:57 AM »
It's been a while since I've checked in here, but this is a great post to read.

A wonderful step forward in self care bssr. Although I am sorry that you are grieving, I am very proud that you have taken the step to make room for more positive friendships in the future.

Another analogy- when the fog lifts we most certainly can start to see any forest for all the trees that were previously obscured... and what a revelation it is.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2019, 08:33:40 AM »
Thanks contessa indeed.... When I got back with this person some 15yrs ago I was drinking.. I'm not the same now I'm 9yrs sober... All things change hey..
It's another letting go of the younger me I think that's the bit... She knew me since I was 16 yrs it's a looog time ago..
I'm sending her prayers and wishing her well.. She has a complex inner and outer world..
Deeper in the forest is a beautiful place to be.
Sending you best wishes for this day contessa

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Tee

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2019, 03:34:17 PM »
I had to do that when I started recovery too.  The sad thing was it didn't just blow up my friendship which was only ever really a face value friendship to begin with, but it ended my families friendships as well. I felt really bad about that.  However, it was her not me and it was harmful for me to remain connected at all to them.  She wanted me to stop seeing my T which was helping me recover and move through my trauma which at times was uncovering deepseeded repressed memories.  She did all kinds of supposed research saying she was miss diagnosing me and didn't have the credentials to diagnose me in the first place and she was causing more damage than she was helping.  It was crazy.  She was saying that my T was only in it for the money.
Saying if I loved my kids I would listen to her.

I had to walk away it was hard cause or kids had grown up together, or husbands were best men in our wedding.  That's was the hard part.

My story is true though and I deserve to have friends who support my recovery and so do you.  They will come.  I have found two or three that I can truly depend on through my journey.  You will too. :grouphug:

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2019, 09:05:18 PM »
Thanks tee for sharing.... Yes deserving friends who support me is right where I am at at the mo. Not in an angry way but more in a self. Respecting way and that feels good

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Tee

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2019, 09:32:12 PM »
And I found when you give of the vibe of you are ok with who you are. And respect yourself more which by the way is what my friend I had to server ties with was trying to condemn me for.  The right kinds of friends start showing up.  Be your own friend find things that make you happy.  And enjoy be you.  You find people who enjoy being around you too. ;D

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2019, 06:50:59 PM »
Lovely Tee... Yes I found that too as I've found more of my own power the issues ramped up...