Letter to M

[Elphanigh]

Dear M,

I know we don't really talk much, I mean we talk but not on a personal level and never had. I have been searchign for a way to talk with you since I was so small. Sadly, I could never find the words, or find times where I thought you would hear me without panicking or questioning what I had to say. As the years went on it was apparent that I couldn't just spring it on you, that it would cause you and everyone around me great pain... I stayed silent to protect myself and others from that.

I want to talk now though, you deserve to know and I deserve the support of the person you are becoming. I have seen a change in you, that you are more present with my niece and S. It is a beautiful thing to behold what seems like your own healing work in process. I see it in the times that you don't give into your anger, and the times you share mental health positive things on fb... the way that you have started treating and inspriing your friends to do healthy things. That is the person I needed to talk to when I was younger but now here that person is and I want to talk to her. I want to find a way to have an honest, and open relationship with you.

All those years ago when you caught my babysitter with adult videos in the house and you asked if they had done anything to us... when I said only a little that was a lie. I was terrified to get in trouble and to get you hurt. I had been threatened into silence, and truly believe they would hurt people I loved if I told you when you asked. I don't know what happened to them but I hope they got locked away... all I know is I never saw them again. For that I thank you.. whatever you did to make that happen saved me more pain and abuse. They were terrible and manipulative and hurt me for years. I am sorry that I could not tell you sooner, and that I could not protect the things I tried so hard to protect. I was little and doing everything I could.


There there was DV (calling abuser 2 DV for easy identification purposes here).. He got caught abusing another get in the nieghborhood when I was 12. You took me into your room and asked if he had ever touched me. I told you that he had taken me behind a tree and groped me inappropriately. I am sure not in those words, I was so panicked and almost told you know. The truth is he had been abusing me as long as the babysitter had and he had many years after she went away to continue it. He kept me silent by barganing and convincing me it was all I was worth in the world. I couldn't come forward because I had no value, and was convinced it was my fault. After I told you that day that he had hurt me a little, I was terrified of what he would do to everyone I loved. I never knew fear for myself because I had been through it all, I didn't care about my own well being anymore at that point. You left me in a dark room crying. I have always wondered why you did. Maybe it was too much to bear, and too painful to hear I had been hurt again but I was terrified and I needed you to be there for me.

When I was asked if I wanted to talk to someone about it, you let me tell them no.. without trying to help me understand that it would do me good. I was glad then, but I wish that you had seen and tried a little harder to get through to me. I had just lost an aunt as well and was in such deep pain from all of this.

I spent my life trying to make up for everything I thought I had caused and failed at when I was younger. Now, after multiple years of intense healing I know I never had anything to make up for. I was never at fault for any of it, and I deserved to have the support and safety that I needed growing up. I don't blame you for the abuse, but I do wish that you had been there for me and protected me. YOu were blind to the signs time and time again... I needed you to see me.

I know you see my niece and see the world differently now. I am glad for that, but it breaks my heart you couldn't do that then. You were young and had many more health issues. I see and know that. It is why I am not angry, just hurt. It is why I want to give you a chance to be the M I need now. To see the fight I have had to put into the person I am, to be proud of what I have created from all of that hurt.

I don't write to make you hurt or feel bad, that is not the intent in telling you. I want to be honest so we can have more of a realtionship, so I can talk about how excited I am for my graduate program because I will get to help people like me and be what I needed. I love you so much, and don't want to keep this secret anymore. I deserve to be open and free, you deserve to know your daughter a little better. What you do with this is up to you. If you are not prepared to handle it in a healthy way you do not have to respond and we can go on like we always have. I will respect that boundary. If you want to talk about it, or have questions I am here. I just wanted you to have that option.

Love,
Elpha




(side note: definitely wept writing this, so there may be many errors in here)