Tee's first journal

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Tee

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Tee's first journal
« on: June 23, 2019, 04:55:32 AM »
I have never been much to ask for help to write things down.  When I say the things in my head out makes them some how more real.  If I keep quite if I shut my mouth, and stop writing maybe it's just in my head.

When I started down this road It was because my perfect box that held my emotions, my memories, and the whole of who I am except for Paulina version of myself that I made when I was 6 to live my life for me. 

My life got stressful and and my box imploded.  My eldest adopted son got in trouble with law. My daughter was two and becoming her own irritating person.  My world was in chaos which made it so Paulina couldn't handle things anymore. I had to start raising from the depths of my dark box. 

**TW**
The things that came out of my box first were flashbacks of the year I was groomed and brutally raped and beaten on an almost daily basis.  Some more gruesome than others.

The Paulina side of me started counseling. After about a year the crap the jerk did to her was made into a time line.  She told my NM.  You know what she said after I told her all the horrible things he did to me. She said," you know it's your fault because you lied!"

This is as far as I can go tonight. :'(

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sanmagic7

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2019, 12:49:52 PM »
you went plenty far, tee, and i give you all kinds of credit.  i've heard many people say the same thing about writing their history - that it makes it real, and therefore more difficult to face.  but, you did it, and that's a big step, to my mind, on the road to recovery.  well done!   :yes:  this was a great first step, and every step counts. 

i disagree w/ your NM.  i don't believe any of that horrible abuse was on you - it was not your fault at all, no matter what.  groomed is definitely what often goes on w/ these situations, and those predators are cunning at choosing their prey.  thank you for sharing.  if i may, i'd like to send love and a hug full of caring and acceptance. 

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Tee

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Re: Tee's first journal (Trigger Warning)
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2019, 03:03:33 PM »
Thank you san.
**TW**
You see I say NM now but when I told her I was still in denial and repressed about having any other trauma except this year of that had happened.  So after a year of therapy and uncovering/reliving through flashbacks the horrors of that year that my Pollyanna side has lived through I go to tell my mom the plan was to just say I'm in therapy because when I was 15 I was raped.

Well when I said this there was no emotion from a person that I've watched cry at TV commercials. No concern no comforting words no nothing? So I kept going giving details that I'm not going to put here still nothing. When we got to the end of the Pollyanna side of things I got "well it's your fault for lying"

I almost lost it how could my mom not care? She only cared that I lied about where I was and always said I was fine!

I don't get it!

Well this is about the time I let my counselor start to see me.  I started flipping backing and forth between Pollyanna and me. I had what is called a fractured personality.  Pollyanna would lose time and not remember what happened when I was around. I was really angry and not use to being around at all. So all emotions were overwhelming came out as aggressive and angry and I started going through my rape timeline with rest of the year off horror.

I thought this is why I was screwed up because 15 a demon wrecked me.  I call him that because I don't want to swear on here cause it's not allowed. Only to find out through continued therapy and being stuck in unbreakable loops that it goes much deeper and earlier.  For a while I thought I was the fracture that would eventually go away through healing.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2019, 08:19:54 PM by Kizzie »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2019, 08:58:10 PM »
i'm so glad for you, tee, that you're being able to get this crapola out. 

no, you're not the fracture.  we've been fractured by others, wounded, broken, hurt, shredded - whatever applies - but it was someone else, or more than one someone else who did it to us.  i'm just glad you're in therapy and finding your way through the horror of what was, all the way to the source.  you used the word 'groomed' before - it's exactly how i see it, and that grooming could have only taken place because we were somehow set up to be groomed.  just my perspective on all this.

hang tough, tee - we're hangin' right beside you.  sending love and hugs   :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2019, 09:05:02 PM »
Abuse is never the fault of the abused. That's just what abusers say to make themselves justified in giving in to their evil desires.

Strength to you, Tee. Good for you in speaking up for yourself.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2019, 04:39:33 AM »
i'm glad you were able to get them out.  i think jasmine is a beautiful name.

please, tee, your abuser is the one who did the damage, not you.  it's on him.  his shame, his blame, his guilt.

keep taking care of you.  loops are difficult sometimes - i'm glad you're doing what you need to do to help get un-looped.  well done.  love and hugs.

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Tee

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2019, 09:23:03 PM »
To broken to be seen.
Story to bad to be written
Stuck in my head on repeat
Trying to move forward
Thrown away to many times
What's the point :disappear:

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Tee

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2019, 05:01:05 AM »
How to put in words the darkness of your soul
The parts so hidden broken by time
Time spent trying to simply find control
To make sense of the chaos that's taking it's toll

The heartache and anger the hurt and shame
Tearing me apart from the inside out
The hurt so deep but without a name
But how can I manage to not take the blame

As a child I felt out of place so alone
Unseen and unable to feel
Stuck in a family but not a home
With nowhere to turn but my own

I hated that I felt could not feel
That my emotions were wrong
That the hurt was not real
But wounds forgotten still don't heal

How do you tell a child to not cry
To be happy that you'll see her again
When her best friend had just died
It twists the thought of God into a lie

How could I wish that I was lost
That someone was searching
Looking for me no matter the cost
That I was wanted but loss

How to allow my heart to feel
I can't be mad at my parents
The fact that day after day I'd reel
Just wanting to be seen why can't I deal

The hurt that I let continue cause they were blind
By being their good little girl
A friend that stepped across the line
But I pretended everything was fine

Shattered by the life in a lie
A disappointment to God and parents
Losing my virginity to that guy
Unable to live but not strong enough to die

Dragging me down I'm stuck in a loop
Memories and flashbacks of beatings
The jerk killed my baby so low to stoop
To keep control of this invisible little oops

Wishing to be seen in some light
To be able to ask for help
Tired of hiding the daily fight
Broken more and more each night

Split into two by the broken part
To keep my lie hidden in there dark
With the lies that sink deep in my heart
That kept stuck in the lie from the start

The shame and the hurt that run through head
The struggle to heal with twisted emotion
Would anyone care if I ended up dead
Would they shed a tear crosses my mind as I lay here in bed

If God supposedly cares what happens to me
How can the hurt continue to wreck
To rip through my heart soul why can't I see
An end to the pain that seems a constant to be

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notalone

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2019, 04:37:00 AM »
Heartbreaking. Sending you a compassionate hug, Tee. You are a valuable person, worthy to be heard, known and loved.

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Tee

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2019, 06:47:34 AM »
Thanks notalone.

Having a rough time one of my anchors is away at camp this week. Which I'm sure he's having a blast. Not having my kids with me though is really hard.  What's worse is the anxiety building up as my baby girl will be going to camp next week.

She is truly my strong anchor a hug from her or a smile can bring back to the present at least for a bit.  Again I'm sure she will love camp. She is bubbly and out going the way I should have been had I not been so total screwed by my NM. I'm sure she will have a best friend before I drive away as I'm doing her off.

My T keeps telling me how amazing it is that I'm being the cycle and doing it right. That my kids love me and know that I love them.  Which I do love them more than my own life.  There have been times that they are the absolute only reason I'm still here.  I'm not sure why they love me though.

Tonight I went to therapy and she said that we have to reparent me because the voices in my head lie to me.  I'm not sure how to turn off the screaming voices in my head.
**TW**
Yelling telling me I'm worthless trash.
I've been working all night since I got home cause my stomachs been tied in knots and I feel like screaming or or hitting the wall or curling into a ball.  Cause I'm my head over and over I hear my NM telling me how dumb I am, and I'm worse than trash.
**Trigger Warning over**

So she said we will start reparenting next week.  But that I have to make the choice to listen to and trust her over the voices in my head. I guess we will see what happens. :Idunno: :stars: :'(

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sanmagic7

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2019, 12:45:36 PM »
what your t is proposing sounds good to me. 

one thing i've discovered along the way is that when the original premise is wrong, the beliefs are subsequently distorted.  those lies we heard when we were too young to logically process them, see them for what they really were, wreak havoc w/ our belief system.  we grow up believing untruths as if they were real.  it is difficult to turn those around cuz they remain, as you said, screaming at us from a time when we were too vulnerable to scream back.  just my opinion, of course.

good luck w/ the reparenting.  i hope it's helpful for you.  i'm glad for you that your t sees it as something that could be beneficial.  sending love and  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2019, 02:30:21 AM »
 
  But that I have to make the choice to listen to and trust her over the voices in my head. I guess we will see what happens. :Idunno: :stars: :'(
 
Tee, my T has to tell me things over and over (he says, "as many times as you need to hear it"). You heard lies from your Mom for years so it will likely take time and hearing the truth from your therapist over and over. Be patient and kind to yourself.

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Tee

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2019, 03:08:42 AM »
Thanks notalone and San for your kind words and support.  I try to be patient and give myself time to work through stuff.
  It's hard to stop the voices, and flashbacks. **TW**
They usually start with at this point my NM telling me how stupid I am, and how could I XYZ then it switches to my other abuser saying very similar things but adding more more physical abuse than my NM ever did.  Those flashbacks also have the sexual crap too.
**End trigger warning**

I'm so tired of fighting the war in my head. The Issue I have is that Everytime my therapist starts telling counters to the"lies" that run through my head from my NM. She will say I'm not dumb because I'm able to get A school.  But my brain will then come with ten other reasons why I am dumb. And it's that easy with everyone of "lies". I'm just so tired.

For the past two years I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night and most of them are riddled with nightmares or flashbacks. Some nights I get less than 2. I'm ready to be done I just need a pause button. :fallingbricks:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2019, 04:45:07 AM »
i've been there, done that, tee, about being so tired and ready to be done w/ the battle.  many times, i've written just that in my own journal.  just want to let you know that you're not alone, and to keep going - it really does eventually get a bit easier. 

hearing those pos. messages, like notalone mentioned, over and over from your t and from people here will help the process of quieting those lies you were told.  it's helped me a lot, and, yes, it does take repetition and time, but the pos. stuff eventually begins making headway.  you definitely are not stupid, or you wouldn't be understanding about c-ptsd, wouldn't be understanding what's being said to you here.  you're quite smart enough, for sure.  maybe you did something they didn't like, or made mistakes, but that has nothing to do w/ your intelligence.  we've all been in that boat.   :grouphug:

i think you're doing a really good job of tackling all this.  take breaks when you need to, but know that you're not battling this stuff alone.  sending love and a hug with a mirror that reflects that gleam of intelligence that's in your eyes.

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Sceal

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Re: Tee's first journal
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2019, 08:02:04 PM »
just popping by to give you a compassionate hug, if that is alright?  (And it's totally okay if a hug is too much)

It sounds as if your heart is breaking all over again right now in this phase that you are at. I hope that with your work alongside your T that you'll find ways to not listen to the destructive voices so much. It's so very hard, but I'm sure you can do it!