Tee's first journal

[Tee]

Thank you san and sceal I appreciate the support and hugs.  My little hugger is away at camp and that's adding to my stress.  Missing her so much but know she's having a blast. She called today said she's having fun and loves me.  It's hard to hold her back. Kids grow up too fast.

[sanmagic7]

they do.  i'm glad you got that call - hearing her voice and having that reassurance can go a long way to easing the distance.  you're a good parent to let her go, too, even tho it causes you distress.  well done!   

hang tough, tee - she'll be home soon.  love and hugs to you!

[Tee]

Got to go see my girl at camp tonight. . She refused to come home though.  I knew that was going to happen. She was have too much fun.  I spent a couple of hours at camp with her, before a final hug and leaving her again.    . She's having fun! 

Feeling a little better after seeing her, but still kind of spinning.  Will be happy when she's home. 

If only my crap would stop cycling through my head.

[sanmagic7]

so very glad you got to see her, get that hug from her.  i'm really glad she's having a good time.  good for you on being able to let her stay and have fun.  she loves you, of course, and she loves playing w/ kids her age, too.  both are good for her, and you are wise to be able to respect that.

ooooh, cycling crap - hate that stuff!  away with thee!!!  i hope it eases up for you very soon.

keep taking care of you as best you can, sweetie.  love and hugs!

[Not Alone]

  Glad your daughter is having fun and that you got to see her.
Yep, hate the spinning. 

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Without knowing it you helped me today! It helps me stabilize to be around my son, so I went and got him early from school today.  Thanks for the idea

[Tee]

Hugs deepblue glad to help!
My kids help ground me for sure.  I miss them when they aren't around. I know it's important for then to have them experiences though so trying to let them grow and be normal.  Instead of having to deal with my issues.

Just applied for a new job that would allow for me to spend more time at with my kids.  Hoping it works out and I get it. It would make school this semester so much easier to less hours a little more responsibility but I think I handle that with the less hours and being able to see my kids more. So here's hoping.

[Three Roses]

I'll join you in hoping. 😉

[sanmagic7]

good luck with the new job, tee.  that sounds like it would be great for you.  and kudos to you for allowing your kids to be kids and not to be the adults for your issues.  you are showing great courage and being a wonderful parent.  i know it can be difficult, but you are showing great strength in this.

keep hangin' tough - we're hangin' right beside you!   love and 

[Hope67]

Hi Tee,
I would like to add another supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok    Also, good luck with getting that job you've applied for.  I hope you get it.
Hope 

[Tee]

Storm is raging today.  My T is great and pushes me to face the parts that I still struggle with.  She wants me to tell here what plays in my head.  She says if I "tell" the lies lose Thier power.   The problem is not of all of what is in my head I can put into words.

Some of it is specific things that happened that play like movies in my head flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse that happened when I was 3-7 but others are just a feelings, emotions. That I can't put into words.

She says I have to trust that she is safe and that my NM can't hurt me anymore.  And I do trust my T is just hard to break the crap I've ingrained with my whole life.

[Not Alone]

 

[Three Roses]

I've considered things like trying to draw my feelings, or writing a story to express past events. The characters in the story don't have to be you, they can be made up people or even animals.

EFs that have their origin from a time in your life before you had words...well, they don't have words. You can try asking yourself, "If a baby felt this way, how could an adult explain or put a name to these feelings?"

Just kicking around some ideas - 

[Tee]

Stupid triggers everywhere. On the way to and from from work the same song came on the radio.  "Because of you" by Kelmy Clarkson

The lyrics ...
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I feel like I should send this to my NM in explaination as to why I want nothing to do with her.  Struggling today.  Then I get home to find out that my Husband and kids ended up having lunch with my parents and my NM told my husband that she doesn't get to talk to me anymore. . That's because I want nothing to do with her.

[Blueberry]