Tee's first journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee,

sounds like your schedule will be brutal.  hopefully, you'll be able to take it one day, then the next, then the next, and so on.  i think sometimes when we look at something in a big bunch it can be overwhelming.  i have no doubt it will work out one way or another.

similar to thinking about your littles.  i do believe that when you're ready, as moonbeam observed, those kinds of things will happen when you're ready.  i've been working on my recovery for quite a while, have been helped by this forum for a few years, but it's only now that i'm beginning to be able to deal w/ the younger parts of me.  this place has given me the safety i've needed to begin digging in such a direction.  i think that talking to your t about it might be helpful - you may be able to get reassurance and calm there. 

keep breathing, one foot in front of the other.  i've also been one who wants to tackle all this, get it done and over with, but i've found, as many here have expressed, that slower is often the quickest way to accomplish what we need.  take your time - it's your recovery.  you will let yourself know when you're ready to move onto the next step.  sending love and a hug filled w/ small, small steps.   

[Sceal]

I haven't done much inner child work myself, so not sure how that is done.
But I hope that you will be able to do it slowly so that you don't end up fracturing yourself. 

[Tee]

Well today was interesting.  I think I may have crossed a line into stalking the hiring manger for the job I want. 

I saw her in the cafeteria and as she was leaving I took a few deep breaths too work up the never to say something, and then went up to her introduced myself.  I said hi I'm the person hounding you about the job just wanted you to a face to go with the name and to see if you have any questions for me. Or at least that was the about the jist of what I said. 

She looked at me kind of odd and said she got my email, and repeated my schedule for the rest of the week, and then asked about what my schedule looks like next week. And said she would see if she could set something up for next week.

Well then add if that wasn't bad enough when I got off work I thought well I had printed off my resume in case I ran into her while I was delivering food, which I didn't.  So I decided that I should run it up to her on my out of the hospital.

Well. I ended up having an impromptu interview with her.  I'm hoping it went well.  I tried to let her know that I really want it and my skills that I think I could use to do the job well, but my brain froze when she asked if I had any questions. I just really need this job. So fingers crossed my psycho stalking her will pay off in getting me the job.

[Not Alone]

Tee, from what you wrote, I think the way you approached the woman was appropriate. Well done for taking initiative.

[Tee]

Thanks we will see if it pays off

[Tee]

  I have to write here cause I'm not sure how to make thing continue to work.  I'm working 40 hours a week at a manual labor job pushing carts around a hospital.  Currently really hoping that I'll get good news next Friday that I'll get a new position in the hospital... But for now for over a year I've been work hard.

My H just took a bologna job working 20 hours a week for little pay and hours that leave my daughter with no one to pick her up from school or watch her till he gets off work for like 3 hours.  He's all excited I got a job.  I said what about Sis?  He said your mom said she would pick her up and watch her.  NO MY NM WILL NOT BE WATCHING HER ON S REGULAR BASIS!

I just don't know what to do. If I don't get my new job now I'm not sure what happens to my baby girl.   My H new job is a after school program for the YMCA so I told him to ask if she could be apart for free if we can get her there.  If that doesn't work though

I can't have her around my NM that much in currently very low contact and that's because we live so close I can't really go no contact. 

Really struggling with all kinds of things from this swirling in my head.

[Sceal]

Dear Tee, I do hope that you will get the new position you've been applying for.
It sounds like it would be better for your health if you do get it, and also for your family life too.

It sounds like you might have to sit down with your H and tell him the reasons why you cannot allow your girl to spend so much time with your NM. That you don't want to put your girl in that position, and that you will constantly be worrying and be fearful which in return will make your health deteriorate. That he will have to help you find a different sollution if your girl can't join your H at the after school program.

It's a very hard and difficult situation you are in. I don't know how much your H knows about your past or about your relationship to your nm. And if he knows nothing, or very little this might be super difficult to bring up.

I hope there is a good solution for you all in this situation.

[Three Roses]

Yes, here's hoping for healthy options to be available soon! Standing with you, dear Tee. 

[Not Alone]

Tee, I bet that felt like a punch in the stomach when your H said that your mom could watch your daughter. I do hope for you that you get the new job. I think Sceal offered some good advice, although it could be difficult to carry out.

[Snowdrop]

That's an awful situation to be in, Tee. I don't know what to usefully say, but I'm standing with you in solidarity and sending you lots of gentle hugs, dear one. 

[Tee]

  thank you for the encouragement the hardest part right at the moment is waiting.  I talked to a friend from my D school and she will help transport but things will still get rather tricky if I don't get the job.   

Waiting to hear on that is making physically ill. And my head a war zone. I'm really hopeful and really need this new position and at the same time am afraid of retaliation from my current manager when she finds out if I did get the job. Cassie I'll likely have to stay for for weeks because we are so short handed.  Hoping for good news Friday.

[Three Roses]

Waiting to hear on that is making physically ill. And my head a war zone.

I really emphasize with this. Waiting is incredibly difficult for me - I imagine it's uncomfortable for everyone but for me it makes me feel like a different, off balance, out of control person. Be as gentle with yourself, Tee, as you are with others here. 

[sanmagic7]

hoping with you.  waiting can be the worst.  love and hugs, tee.   

[Tee]

Having a rough week on top of just awaiting my fate on Friday.  I have a manager that's targeting me and demeaning me in such a manor that I've been triggered just going into work. .

She treated me like I was 5 when I was trying to go on my break.  Using a degrading demeaning tone of voice and And making comments like I was stupid.  Then she called the other manger over to "help me" decide if I should go on break.  

I'm so done.  If I don't get the new job I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I can't stay where I'm at.  It causing me to struggle so much more than it should.  And I already have all my other issues to deal with.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds awful, Tee. I've been keeping my fingers crossed about Friday for you. In the meantime, standing solidly by you.