I woke up angry this morning. Usually, I wake up depressed, and anger is supposedly "better" than depression, but I wish some day I could wake up calm and refreshed. I suppose that does happen once in a great while, but really almost never. I almost always wake up with negative feelings of one kind or another, almost always wish I could just keep sleeping a while longer. Sometimes the negative feelings recede enough to only be a mundane and familiar nuisance once I get up and go about my day, but other times, they just hang around and deepen as I try to operate with the all the underlying mental and physical pain that has characterised my entire life.
I have a deep fear of anger. Displays of anger give me a fight-or-flight response that really messes me up. All anger, even from strangers in public arguing 50 feet away who have nothing to do with me. Even on television. Even my own. Maybe especially my own. If I feel anger, one of my primal defences is to turn it into sadness and depression. I never feel any kind of empowerment from anger, only fear, churning stomach, and amplification of the death-wishing voice. I hate my sadness and depression, but I guess they're less scary. I WANT to somehow access my anger and use that energy in a positive way, because heaven knows there's enough of it in there to burn cities, but I haven't found a way to do that yet.