A Safe Place To Be Visible

[woodsgnome]

Grieving is one of those counterintuitive things on this road. At least that's been my experience. At first it seems like a roadblock, but given a little time and a lot of patience there often are holes that get one past the temporary pain.

Anxiety being one of our 'normal' reactions, we're then eager for the next wild jump to releasing the past, and when it doesn't happen right away it can seem hopeless. It really does (again just my own experience) seem to come -- those easier times -- but often can seem like it's never going to happen, for real. Then, sometimes even surprisingly, the bad vibes do soften and fade a bit.

That some little itty bit of progress was made might even remain invisible for a while; until one realizes that oh, yeah -- things really have gotten somewhat better (or at least different with more hope built in for the next time it feels bleak). Grieving is okay and it's also okay not feel okay. Things might be healing in spite of immediate feelings (albeit painful ones).

I hope this makes some sense and you'll begin feeling better soon.

[Three Roses]

Grieving is one of those counterintuitive things on this road.

I agree with Woodsgnome. Grieving feels overwhelming - then add in all the societal pressure to be a Happy Shiny Person and it makes it doubly difficult to dig down into the loss and pain. Hang in there. 

[Not Alone]

Too much pain.  What's my point?  Even My Person told me to stop dwelling on the past yesterday when I was feeling sad thinking about all the things I wanted to do that I never did because I couldn't get it together, and wondering what I might have been if I hadn't been traumatised since birth.

Meanwhile, I am avoiding dealing with Lizzie's pain and disappointment, and the anger and despair of the Teenager who just doesn't &^@#ing have a name, okay?

Bach it is okay for you to feel sad. You have a lot to feel sad about and it doesn't just "go away."
Are you avoiding dealing with Lizzie's pain and disappointment and the anger and despair of the Teenager, or is this not the right time? (As I was told) there is only so much you can do at one time.

[Bach]

Too much pain.  What's my point?  Even My Person told me to stop dwelling on the past yesterday when I was feeling sad thinking about all the things I wanted to do that I never did because I couldn't get it together, and wondering what I might have been if I hadn't been traumatised since birth.

Meanwhile, I am avoiding dealing with Lizzie's pain and disappointment, and the anger and despair of the Teenager who just doesn't &^@#ing have a name, okay?

Bach it is okay for you to feel sad. You have a lot to feel sad about and it doesn't just "go away."
Are you avoiding dealing with Lizzie's pain and disappointment and the anger and despair of the Teenager, or is this not the right time? (As I was told) there is only so much you can do at one time.

I guess it's not the right time.  I think they just wanted to be acknowledged.  They just wanted to know they'll get to speak eventually.  They scare me, but I love them, too, and I love the things they care about.  I suppose I want to live up to them and maybe am not confident that I can do it.

[Bach]

I've been having a rough time lately.  I was in a very low state hormonally for a few weeks, which means no energy for anything, and no ability to feel joy.  That seems to have shifted now, I have at least some physical energy and I can actually laugh at things again, but my mental condition is pretty labile and I'm still having trouble dealing with much.  The bright spot is that I've mostly been keeping up with self-care.  Not perfectly, but way better than I generally have been able to in the past during times like this.  So I guess I must be making progress.

I have found a couple of little things I can do to calm and centre myself when I feel myself starting to flip out.  One is hugging myself.  The other is a stress ball.  I have one that is very lightweight and squishy and is just the right size to fit in my hand.  Sometimes I squeeze it, but sometimes I just hold it to simulate holding hands with someone.  My child-selves like that. 

[Not Alone]

Bach, glad you found a few things that bring you some comfort. Does a hug help? 

[Bach]

Bach, glad you found a few things that bring you some comfort. Does a hug help? 

Thank you, notalone    It does help.  It made me cry a tiny bit because of the general state I'm in, but an okay kind of crying, not a yucky messy kind that isn't safe. 

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I have also found that hugging myself can be helpful - and I saw that you found hugging yourself helped you.  Plus the stress ball too.  Yours sounds very nice, the squishy kind, and I think that child selves would love that. 
Just wanted to off you a safe hug, if that is ok 
Hope 

[Bach]

Hi Bach,
I have also found that hugging myself can be helpful - and I saw that you found hugging yourself helped you.  Plus the stress ball too.  Yours sounds very nice, the squishy kind, and I think that child selves would love that. 
Just wanted to off you a safe hug, if that is ok 
Hope 

It is, Hope, thank you I've been in a better state of mind, just overwhelmed with fatigue from the tremendous energy it's taking to confront my trauma and learn how to responsibly care for the Youngers.  I hope you are okay too

[Bach]

I feel so ashamed, because I had a full-out panic attack terror meltdown this afternoon right in front of my strength trainer.  He's a good guy who has known me for nine years, he dealt with me well and seemed mostly unfazed, but it was awful and humiliating for me.  I freaked out when intense anxiety I didn't even know I had about a blood test I had to go for this afternoon broke free during my workout as a result of my having fallen down on the self-care job and not responsibly prepared for the workout beforehand.  I have so little room for error 

I did make it to my blood test, and I thought I was going to be okay because I involved the Youngsters, praised and rewarded them for behaving perfectly during the needle stick and negotiated some errands that we actually had some fun with until the kids got tired and flaky, and then wrangling everyone including myself through the supermarket checkout and then getting home was challenging.  Middle B is my ally, she helps me negotiate with the rest.  They speak through her, I guess.  Poor child.  She's the one who wants the same things I want:  Calmness, clarity, and as little mental pain as possible.  It's such a big job, and she's only little. 

I'm off the boil now, but earlier I was really struggling with feeling hopeless.  The evil thing my mother put in me since I was born that wants me to be sick is so strong.  The harder I work to heal, the harder it fights back.  Just feeling hope, just feeling that I'm making progress makes it get sneaky and attack me somewhere I'm not expecting.  My body was built wrong from hostility and neglect, my psyche is wired wrong for the same reasons, and considering that it started the day I was born, I'm really afraid that I'm just too broken.

[Three Roses]

Like you, my abuse began the day I arrived. Neglect, abuse of all kinds. Rejection. The damning messages. Indoctrination into violence.

I refuse to believe I am irreparably broken. Our brains are marvelous organs, capable of healing and regeneration. Our minds can be retrained. Is it hard work? Absolutely. Does it take time? Without doubt. But impossible? I just refuse to accept it.

Here's a quote from another member that I found very encouraging. 

I've had some success in dealing with shame through reading and practice-but everyone finds their own method of what feels right and works for them.

Two thoughts about "cause" are relevant for me; an overdeveloped inner critic who constantly harasses me and acceptance of those thoughts. Life conditioning has set me up to be a caretaker or "parent" to others, and because I couldn't reject that role when young, I lived up to it the best I could. I felt shame when I reviewed my life choices and found them so lacking, despite a rough history of chronic abuse and lack of nurturing. Couldn't I have been better, done better? Actually no. Without certain developmental accomplishments, it is impossible. That's why complex PTSD is so disabling. 

I've managed to break this stranglehold by systematically looking at thoughts as objectively as I can and then concentrating on new thoughts and attitudes, even when it doesn't FEEL right. Since I've been conditioned to believe that my needs come last, this has reinforced the perspective that I don't deserve to have basic experiences which are affirming, life enhancing, healthy or valuable. Everything must be skewed so that others are elevated first and foremost. My "worth" is measured by how I serve and sacrifice, how good a martyr I've been.

Loyalty to health and wholeness is my only guiding principle. Reciprocity and the expectation of caring relationships is now normal. Ongoing efforts to reshape my life to include people who uplift, inspire, acknowledge and enjoy me is as worthy as anything any educational degree or work status. Loneliness that results at times is part of the journey, but does not have to be debilitating. I still possess talents, strengths, interests and skills which I can use for my own benefit.

I forgive myself for large and small digressions. I relax my perfectionistic standards and remind myself that good enough IS GOOD ENOUGH. I allow myself "seasons" of life where I can be gung-ho, over the top excited about experiencing some new thing, and I also allow myself times when everything turns on it's head and the world feels upside down. I know that eventually, through plodding along, I'll come away from the dark side of the road. I remind myself that life can be good, even though I have to work harder at it than others. I remain in therapy so that I can learn what I need to do, or stop doing, to be in the best place to make a less shameful and more enjoyable life.

[Blueberry]

  to you Bach.

I don't think there's a "too broken" for healing. It might not be perfect healing, super-fast, but some healing will come, possibly even in unexpected places. Well, that has been my experience.

on making it to and through the blood test!!

[Bach]

I got my blood test back.  I've been on medication for hypothyroid for many years.  Earlier this year, I was having symptoms that I assumed were from perimenopause, but it turned out that my thyroid had gone hyper, so my dose was reduced.  Last week after my big meltdown, I realised that my symptoms were similar to the ones I had then.  I began to suspect that it had happened again, and I turned out to be right.  The doctor told me to stop taking my thyroid medication entirely because my dose was already at the lowest for the particular medication I was , and to retest in six weeks.  My regular endocrinologist is on maternity leave, so it took until Friday afternoon for anyone to get back to me with the results, and meanwhile I was getting sicker and sicker.  I take it first thing in the morning, so today is my third day without the medication.  My thyroid doesn't know what to do with itself, with the result that neither does my brain.  I'm filled with anxiety, and my actions are compulsive and only half-sensible.  I'm overwhelmed by my sickness.  I feel like I have dementia.  I took a farcical trip to Target, where I bought some things that were not exactly a waste of money, but also weren't exactly things I needed to go out and buy today.  I did hold on to a semblance of rationality and not just buy everything I thought about buying that I felt like I wanted, so that's good, but I've been shopping like a fiend lately and that is not good.  It's starting to bust out from "stuff I legitimately need that maybe I don't need right this minute but isn't ridiculous" and seep into "things I don't need that someone wants to sell me that probably aren't anywhere near as  good as they look", and it has to stop. 

Considering how difficult it was for me to get thyroid treatment years ago when despite all the hypothyroid symptoms I had, doctor after doctor told me my thyroid function was "low normal" and didn't require treatment, and all anyone wanted to do was give me psych meds that only made me sicker, I'm bat@#$% f@#$ing terrified of what will happen to me without thyroid meds.  Maybe the nutritional and lifestyle changes I've made have increased my physical health to the point where I don't need the meds anymore, but could that really have happened?  It seems so improbable.  What if something else is wrong and I don't get better off the medication?  Or what if I do get better, and I'm better for a while, but then the symptoms come back but the numbers are "good" and they don't believe me?  What if the symptoms come back and I go back on medication and end up going hyperthyroid again?  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF ARRGGHH I THOUGHT MY THYROID WASN'T GOING TO BE A DIFFICULT PROBLEM ANYMORE 

*phew*

That's better.  Fear has been expressed, and I can see how it's only slightly rational, and certainly premature.  Time to breathe.  And couchflop.  There are a zillion things I could, should or want to be doing, but they're all going to have to wait, even the easy ones.

[Jazzy]

Hi Bach, sorry you are having difficulty with this situation. It is good that you got your test results back and you were right though. I hope things smooth over soon as you adjust to the change/lack of medication. Hang in there!

[Not Alone]

Bach, breathe, relax, do what you need to to take care of yourself.