A Safe Place To Be Visible

Started by Bach, June 24, 2019, 05:31:01 PM

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Bach

I don't know how to parent all these damaged children  :'( :'( :'(

Not Alone

Bach,
My first thought: the little things matter and help: a stuffed animal, a story (from you or YouTube), songs (again from you or YouTube), a walk, a safe movie. It is important that they have a chance to be heard. I find that especially challenging because I have one hour of therapy a week and several Littles who want (and/or need) to be heard, then life gets in the way. Ugh! Sometimes the Littles write letters or draw pictures. This forum is a help too. It is a lot---a lot of pain and anger and confusion.  :hug:

Bach

Quote from: notalone on September 28, 2019, 12:18:43 AM
Bach,
My first thought: the little things matter and help: a stuffed animal, a story (from you or YouTube), songs (again from you or YouTube), a walk, a safe movie. It is important that they have a chance to be heard. I find that especially challenging because I have one hour of therapy a week and several Littles who want (and/or need) to be heard, then life gets in the way. Ugh! Sometimes the Littles write letters or draw pictures. This forum is a help too. It is a lot---a lot of pain and anger and confusion.  :hug:

notalone, you're right.  A few weeks ago, I ordered a weighted cow online because I'd been thinking about getting a weighted animal for a while, and I decided it was time to go ahead and do it.  She arrived the other day, and I realised yesterday when I was lying on the couch cuddling her on my chest that she reminds me strongly of the original Poor Richard The Lionhearted, Little B's beanbag lion.  I got her online and I had no idea she would feel.  I don't think I even remembered until now how comforting the real Poor Richard the Lionhearted was.  He was accidentally destroyed when I was in my teens.  That wasn't a traumatic incident for me because I was away when it happened, and the news was broken gently to me by my stepmother, but I did miss him a lot.  The replacement stuffed lion my mother got me was quite nice, but he wasn't a beanbag, so it was a whole different vibe.  I feel weirdly disloyal saying this because I got a lot of comfort from him too, but I'm realising now just how not the same the second Poor Richard was.  I have quite a few stuffed beings in my house (including the senior member, the second Poor Richard) because I've always liked having things to cuddle, and I love them all, but this is different.  The cow of course doesn't look anything like Poor Richard, but he must have been a similar size and weight because yesterday she felt so much like the original Poor Richard that I could almost remember what he looked like beyond that he was orangey yellow.  I guess that was sort of like a positive version of an emotional flashback?  In any case, the cow doesn't really have a name yet, and it turns out that she belongs to Middle B, who apparently has never had anything of her own before, only whatever Little B had.  Middle B seems to think that a comforting soft thing to cuddle is called a "lovey", and I don't know where she got that from since I've never used that term for anything.  When I'm not ill and frazzled and overwhelmed from my poor still-confused thyroid, and filled with the despair at the idea of being responsible for the care and healing of these beautiful damaged children on top of the struggle to deal with my own current adult life, it is strange and interesting getting to know these little people.  The older ones are harder and I haven't been able to figure out yet much about how to communicate with them, but Middle B is my ally. 

I worry that I sound crazy, delusional or even schizophrenic when I talk like this.  Also that I'm doing it wrong somehow because I'm coming up with all of this on my own.  I have talked to my therapist about it a bit and she is kind and receptive and encouraging, but she's not trauma-informed so there's nothing formal going on there, and it's just too much right now to try to research it.  It does seem to be helpful, though.  It just started to bubble up here and there a while back when E came to the forum, and it feels unwise when it does to do anything but go with it to the extent that I can tolerate. 

I like your other suggestions too, and will be incorporating them.  Woodsgnome's thread from the other day about playing with options also really struck a chord with me, and connects with this very well.  Now I feel a little more like I have a way forward with some of this. 

Thank you so much for the kindness and support and hugs :hug: 

Not Alone

Bach, on several occasions I have thought (and said) "Am I crazy?" when talking about the parts. My therapist has reassured me that I am not crazy. Most people wouldn't understand because they are not trauma informed. I understand and there are others who do also. You are not crazy.

As for doing it "wrong," I think (just my opinion here) that if you are treating the Littles with care and kindness that is a good thing.

Middle B: I'm glad you have "lovey" to bring you comfort.

Bach

I'm full of pain, anger, bad thoughts and self-hatred today.  I want to hurt myself but I won't.  That's my mission for today:  Don't hurt myself. 

That is all.

Not Alone

Dear Bach, so sorry you are filled with those difficult (understatement) feelings. Not hurting yourself is a good goal. One moment at a time. I hope you can let a little of my care for you in.  :hug:

MoonBeam

Bach, I just want to say I understand how you are feeling right now, your journey with your littles and the intensity opening up for them can bring as well. We're here with you. Hang in. You are worthy and deserving of care.  :hug:

MB

Bach

#142
I wish I could write more.  I've got so many things going on in my head and I'm thinking and thinking and thinking all the time, and it's all such important stuff but it all runs away when I try to write it down.  Also:  The inner children might need to be heard, sure, but they don't seem to want to speak.  All they want to do is react and count on me to notice, figure it out and manage them.  Feel their pain, know it, and still keep them all corralled and stop them from flailing around and making things worse.

Friends, I'm having a really difficult time, and the support I'm getting here is everything.  The little I've been able to write is better than nothing and is keeping my nose just above the waterline.  Thank you  :grouphug:

Not Alone

Bach, thank you for the update. I've been thinking of you throughout the day. Sending you loads of care and compassion.

Hope67

Hi Bach,
I would also like to send you some compassion and care as well - and also for your inner children.  Safe hugs to you all, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Bach

Life is so difficult and painful and exhausting lately.  I'm keeping up with only my most important tasks.  That's good because it used to be when I was feeling this bad I wouldn't even be doing that, but it's also bad because I am lively enough to want to do all kinds of things, but much too tired and lacking in cope to actually do them.  I am angry and sad about life being so hard, and about the fact that it will never actually get easier.  I'll eventually have less exhaustion and more cope, I'll be more able to handle how hard it is and everything will feel more worth it, but still there is the inescapable pain of knowing that no matter what I do I will always be like this.  And there will always be times when everything, everything, is just too hard and the best I'll be able to do is lie on the couch and maybe resist binge eating, maybe resist food restriction, maybe resist narcotic pain killers, or maybe do those things but only a little, and wish I could just not be here.

I've been doing some pretty intense work with regard to all my Inners later.  Not all of them are children.  Not all of them are even me.  I have poisonous Mom-inners.  I'm stuck with them the same way my real-life mother was stuck with the real-life child-me.  So what the heck am I supposed to do about THAT?


Not Alone

Bach, I'm hearing how incredibly overwhelming everything seems right now. Can you take some time to wrap yourself in a soft blanket and sip some hot tea? You are worthy to receive care and tenderness.

Blueberry

Quote from: Bach on October 24, 2019, 09:29:07 PM
Life is so difficult and painful and exhausting lately.  I'm keeping up with only my most important tasks.  That's good because it used to be when I was feeling this bad I wouldn't even be doing that,

It's hard for me sometimes too to step back and say "Look at the progress I'm making!" :applause: :cheer: Even though I want to make progress in a whole bunch of other ways and faster etc etc, still I am making progress. You are too. You are keeping up with the most important tasks.  :cheer:   

Quote from: Bach on October 24, 2019, 09:29:07 PM
I've been doing some pretty intense work with regard to all my Inners later.  Not all of them are children.  Not all of them are even me.  I have poisonous Mom-inners.  I'm stuck with them the same way my real-life mother was stuck with the real-life child-me.  So what the heck am I supposed to do about THAT?

It's no wonder with the intense work on Inners that everything seems really hard, painful and exhausting. The poisonous Mom-inners will reduce the intensity and frequency with which they turn up. Really, honestly. That comes with time in healing. 

I agree with notalone's suggestion of wrapping yourself in a nice comfy blanket and maybe sipping hot tea. Or maybe there's something else calming you could do - listen to your favourite music maybe. I'm sending you comforting energy and support from OOTS  :grouphug:

Bach

Thank you as always for the support, friends  :grouphug:  Everything is still overwhelming, but I've been coping a little better.  I'm tired all the time and I just don't understand why everything has to be so hard.  I do believe that I'm on my way to healing, though.  I have way fewer intrusive thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life than I used to, and that proves to me that healing is possible.  So I still believe there is hope that at least some of it will eventually get easier. 

woodsgnome

It's so good to see you getting a tad better. I guess that might not mean keeping the bad vibes totally at bay, for now anyway, but even finding a sliver of light in the midst of the darkness is encouraging. In turn it makes hope seem less far away, less intimidating as well. May you journey well with your sights set on new possibilities in place of the old frustrations.

:hug: