A Safe Place To Be Visible

[woodsgnome]

What keen observations , Bach. So simple, right in front of us, and so easily hidden when the old stuff has been so hard to dislodge.

Until, one day, it dawns that yes, these other thoughts are here too, and yes -- we CAN claim them as our own. All those external prompts towards self-improvement dissolve once that discovery washes over.

Thanks for pointing to the possible; it gives so much hope that the journey out and away from hurt is right, and sometimes what seems like the smallest steps can actually be a powerful leap into a new way of being -- your way. 

[Snowdrop]

I've been thinking, and I can tell you what helps me in case it's of use. If it doesn't sound helpful or doesn't feel right for you, please ignore.

When I need to talk to or comfort a part, I close my eyes and imagine that I'm walking up a gravel path to a gate. I try and make it as realistic as possible, so I hear and feel the gravel under my feet, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin etc. I then open the gate, walk through it, and close the gate again.

On the other side of the gate, there's a special place. This can be a meadow, a beach, a wood, whatever feels safe and works best for you. Within this place, I ask to see the part I want to talk to or comfort. The part either appears, or I walk along and find her. As the part appears separate from me, I can listen to her, hold her, wrap her in a blanket, tell her I love her etc. Anything that's needed.

When I've finished, I go back through the gate, close it behind me, and walk back along the gravel path.

Please ignore all of this if it doesn't feel appropriate for you. I'm really just saying what helps me in case it gives you a way of comforting SE.

Sending love and hugs to you, Middle B and SE.

[Bach]

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing this with me.  It took me entirely by surprise when Middle B answered in this thread last night.  I had started trying to answer, but it was almost like she pushed me aside and said "No, just let me do it."  She was impatient with me, and her exhaustion and grief were so painful.  It scared me.  I'm afraid that she has abandoned me.  Or maybe that I killed her!  All these years I had no idea how much I was leaning on her and how hard it was for her.  I didn't even know she was there.
I don't want her to be gone. 

It scares me to think of myself this way, as this collection of fractured selves of various ages and traumas inside this one fragile skin.  So far that fear has stopped me from getting very far into the concept of healing the inner selves, but I guess maybe I need to challenge the fear a little more. 

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine it was a surprise! But Middle B hasn't abandoned you. She hasn't left you.

I've recently been reading a book about Internal Family Systems therapy, and one of the key things it says is that *everybody* has parts. Having parts, or inner selves, is normal. It's just that some people (such as those of us with cptsd) are more aware of them than others.

Another key thing the book says is that all parts are useful and valuable, but they may carry burdens that make them act in particular ways and have particular feelings. These parts can release their burdens, however, and be healed.

I have found learning about Internal Family Systems to be of immense help and comfort.

[Not Alone]

Bach,

This is from E. I'm writing from myself, as someone who has taken care of the others. I think maybe Middle B is realizing that you are a grown-up and that you might be able to take care of the others. You are a mom. There are times, like when your kids are sick, that you take care of your children past the point of exhaustion. Then maybe their daddy comes and you trust him to take care of them so you allow your exhaustion to take over and you sleep. Maybe Middle B is letting herself feel all her tiredness because she is knowing that you can take care of baby and the others.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm trying to figure things out and just because it is one way with us, doesn't mean that it is the same for you.

Hello to Middle B from E. I love you. 

From,
E (7 years and ageless)

[Bach]

My therapist had an emergency and had to cancel my appointment this morning.  Oh god, why today of all days, why?  I keep thinking I'm getting out of the triggered state and then getting thrown back in.  I can't with this.  I have work to do and I have to travel in a week. 

It's snowing, harder than was forecast, and My Person had to go to the city today.  The snow looks pretty but also makes me feel anxious.  I have things I want to do today but I think I need to lie down.  My gut hurts so bad. 

Snowdrop, I don't know what Internal Family Systems is, can you recommend any good reading?  I can't search right now because when I'm like this I get easily overwhelmed but if you have a direction you could point me in I'd appreciate it.

E, Middle B loves you too, but she's too tired to hug back.  Poor little thing.  I wish I could help her but I don't know what to do for her, all she can do right now is mostly sleep and sometimes cry.  I cared for SE this morning though.
She's doing a little better.  It's really hard.  All the others seem to be fine, thank goodness.  We're keeping it together.  I hope.  I'm not sure.  I actually feel like I might be completely crazy and I'm scared to even post this.  So I'm going to post it and then go to the couch and put the warm doggy on my belly. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to care for SE and she's feeling a bit better. Spending time on the couch sounds like a good idea.

This video is a good starting point: https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M. It's the first of four on IFS and trauma, and you'll probably find links to the other three underneath it. Good YouTube search terms are "Schwartz IFS" and "Schwartz IFS trauma".

The book I read is Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition) by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy.

[Not Alone]

Bach,
You are not crazy. 

[Bach]

Checking in.  I'm here still struggling along, finding my way little by very little back to a safer headspace.  It's really hard.  I can feel my body fighting to stay in the hypervigilant state, and it tricks my brain into doing creating obstacles.  I have therapy this afternoon, thank goodness.  My therapist having to cancel on Monday was the worst possible timing it could have been.  Also, my strength trainer went away the week before Thanksgiving, so that's another twice-weekly stabilising factor that I haven't had.  I'm keeping up with exercise as much as I can, and that's a real challenge.  There's a part of me fighting to say that I'm not doing enough, perhaps because it feels too dangerous to say instead that I've been doing well considering the circumstances?  Anyway, it's a good thing that I've learned so much from my acupuncturist about acupressure that I can self-administer, because that and magnesium baths have been powerful tools to help keep me from flying completely over the edge.

[Bach]

Finally out of the EF.  Thank goodness.  Wow, no wonder I was sick for six solid months back in 2006 the first time I had a severe EF about my trauma in infancy.  I have a feeling that the 2006 EF and the one I had a few weeks ago were both the same incident, and that the 2006 one was a flashback to what happened in the lead-up to the recent one.  Something that is interesting is that the 2006 flashback led me to remember the incident of choking that happened to Middle B, and the recent one has led me to remember an incident in which my toxic mother's toxic mother held Little B down on the floor with her whole body weight.  I don't quite remember the incident, but I remember that after that, Little B tried to tell everyone how she felt about it by drawing a picture of the grandmother saying "I'm going to hold you down!"  Now I'm remembering that Little B used to try to communicate her hurt in indirect ways like that sometimes.  There was another incident in which the mother was complaining about how Little B always got stains on her clothing and it was so expensive to keep buying clothing for her, and the stepfather made jokes about how they should sell her in the classifieds.  So she wrote a classified ad offering herself for sale "complete with pre-stained wardrobe", at which the mother laughed, and the stepfather praised her for her sense of humour and told her that a sense of humour was what would get her through life.  It turns out that he wasn't wrong, but she was frustrated that they thought she was joking when was she was trying to say was that it was really mean of him to say that. 

Doing things to comfort the young ones is real.  On the morning I was triggered into this recent EF, My Person and I found a Sesame Street episode that I would have seen back in the 1970s and watched it while I laid on the couch with a blanket on and my heavy animal buddies all sitting on me, and that's how I managed to calm down enough to carry on with my day.  So a few days ago, I bought the little ones a couple of DVD collections of Sesame Street stuff from back then so that we'll be able to watch more when they want to.  Also, most of my heavy animal buddies double as microwaveable heat packs, and one of them is in a collar shape with a little bear head and paws on it to soothe a sore neck.  My Person had an ordinary collar-shaped heat pack, but after many years its seams wore out and we had to throw it away.  After we got Snakebear, My Person kept borrowing him, and that upset Middle B because the heavy animal buddies are mostly hers.  So I bought another neck collar animal, so that My Person could have his own, but the one I bought had a dog head instead of a bear head, and Middle B wanted to keep both of them.  We resolved this by letting her choose the one she wanted to keep completely for herself, and because she likes to cuddle with the heavy animals (the more the better, really, on her and around her on the couch) every day and My Person only needs his when his neck hurts or he has a headache, promising that she can use the one that she gives to My Person any time he's not using it if she wants to, and agreeing on a location where My Person's neck collar animal can be kept so everyone will always know where to find him.  It surprised and unsettled me how unwilling I felt to part with the either of the neck collar animals after having bought a second one expressly so that My Person could have his own, but it's good to know that Middle B is a little more okay now.  I've been reluctant for a lot of reasons to really go with this concept of inner child work, but I guess I'm starting to lose that reluctance, because allowing myself to think about it this way is really quite powerful.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're out of the EF. What happened to Little B and Middle B sounds absolutely awful.

I find inner children / parts work really powerful too. I was initially wary about going down that route, but I don't regret it in any way. I'm glad that you're able to listen to and comfort the little ones. It's very healing, for them and for you.

[Not Alone]

Bach,
Glad you are out of the EF. I think it's great that you are able to comfort the little ones with Sesame Street and heavy animal buddies. Please continue with your good self-care. You've been through a really difficult time. 

[Bach]

After all the work I did to get out of my flashback state, I was retriggered today when some people who I care about and trust but who are not close personal friends tried to draw me into a political issue that is important to them.  They did this at a time that was inconvenient to me, in a situation where it wasn't completely appropriate to bring it up, and what's even worse is that I tried to express my discomfort and my wish to drop the subject without being rude, and when this was not recognised, I became very anxious and got caught up in the fearful emotions provoked by the topic, and this made me even more unable to extricate myself from the conversation.  This is triggering to me for a lot of different reasons that have less to do with the political issue itself and more to do with the relationship I have with these people.  A while after it happened, I wrote them a note to express my discomfort with the situation.  I received an acknowledgement of the validity of my discomfort and was thanked for my willingness to listen to what they had to say.  I guess this is good, but the whole thing kind of ruined my day, and now I'm struggling to complete the tasks I must finish before I travel on Wednesday afternoon, and am feeling overwhelmed and at risk of failing.

I am so terrified of everything and everyone.  It isn't fair that I have to live like this.  I'm already doing everything I can to be well and function, and there's just nothing more I can do about it.  My life is pain and it will always be pain. I can't, I can't, I can't  

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you were triggered, Bach. Cptsd isn't fair.

Is there anything you can do to help you feel less overwhelmed? Heavy animal buddies, perhaps?

You are safe. You are safe.

[Bach]

Thank you for the kind reply, Snowdrop.  Aside from being triggered, I was very stressed yesterday because I'm leaving for a three-week trip tomorrow, and I have paying work that I have to get done before I leave, so I couldn't just lie down on the couch and tend to myself the way that I would have liked to.  After I wrote in here yesterday, I did succeed in balancing working on my job with preparations for my trip with food and rest and recognition of the efforts of some of the Inners to help, so I made progress on both the work and the getting ready, which helped to calm me down.  Today, I'm doing well with remembering to take breaks and care for myself, so although I still have anxiety about being ready in time, I'm not feeling as panicky and overwhelmed by it as I was yesterday.  I'm just hoping that the rest of this winter isn't as hard as it has been so far.