A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Not Alone]

Bach,
I think most people would be stressed to be preparing for a three week trip plus work deadlines.  Add to that cPTSD and being triggered---yikes!

Glad you are taking breaks and caring for yourself as you are able. 

[Bach]

I'm staying with friends overseas and although I know they love me and enjoy having me visit, I've been full of strange negative thoughts about myself.  I feel like I'm a sneaky weirdo who I wouldn't want to have staying in my house if I were them.  This is particularly unsettling because these are friends who welcome me like family and tell me they feel like I belong here, like I'm not a guest but a beloved member of the household who is just not home most of the time.  There are three different families that have expressed feeling the way about me.  I guess that it must be because over the years, most of my visits to this country have been because I have work to do here, and I have come at random times of the year, for random lengths of time, and I have usually had things of my own going on while I'm here.  So when I come to stay with these friends, I'm doing my own thing some of the time, and when I'm not, I join in with whatever they normally do, not asking them to take time off work or entertain me or do anything special at all to take care of me other than give me space in their home. interact and spend time with me when they want to, and perhaps loan me a computer.  I guess it takes a particular set of temperaments from both sides for relationships like that to develop, and I've been lucky to make such good friendships with people who are compatible with me that way.  Still, though, a part of me insists on feeling that somehow they are suffering me for incomprehensible reasons of their own, and that they look forward to being rid of me when I leave.  People tell me straight out that they feel I belong, and yet I feel like I'm running some kind of scam.  Like they would cast me out "if they really knew".  Like there's something bad and wrong about my not being at home in my own house by myself where no one has to look at or deal with me (except My Person when he's home), bouncing from living room to kitchen to bathroom, working if I have work to do, doing house chores if I'm well enough, wasting time on the Internet or lying on the couch watching television if I'm not, wondering why I'm alive and where my life has gone. 

[Bach]

This morning I realised that the feelings of self-loathing I have been troubled by are emotional flashing back to when my mother kicked me out and I went to live with my father's family, where I was told I was wanted but not treated like it. Oh the pain and disappointment of thinking I was going to be loved and cared for and instead simply finding myself subjected to a different variety of neglect and abuse. It was very slightly more loving and caring, and certainly less physically harmful, yes, but as I understand now, just as damaging to my long-term emotional health and ability to form and maintain relationships. I have not yet even scratched the surface of dealing with my feelings towards my father and stepmother. I'm very ambivalent because they did some important good for me (not something I can say about my mother and stepfather), but also some grievous harm. It's all so hard.

I have been confused about what to call the younger and older teenaged Inners that I am in contact with because they have not wanted to be B's. Today we talked and they realised that it's okay to be B's. They don't need other names. They can be whole and they can be loved and they can be part of us as B's.

I love and accept you both, Early and Later Teen B, and I promise that the two of you will be heard and cared for along with all the rest of me's.

[Snowdrop]

This sounds like progress, Bach.

[woodsgnome]

Those were wonderful signs as you've struggled so hard with things for so long. You deserve these better times; thanks for sharing.

I hope this is alright -- 

[Bach]

Thank you for the replies, woodsgnome and Snowdrop. It's so validating when I manage to put the feelings and insights into words and they turn out to make sense to others. Because I'm never 100% sure of reality.

I've been having lots of thoughts and insights while I'm here and have no time to write them out on a phone, but I'm making some notes and it will be interesting to sort it all out into new understanding when I go home and talk to my therapist and Person about it.

Love to all out there who are reading and dealing with the season's particular challenges

[Not Alone]

Bach, I want to support you. My mind is such a muddle right now, I can't think clearly to respond. I care about you and all the Bs.

[Bach]

Today I realised that my inner critic is not my mother, and most of the time is not mean or ill-intentioned.  I think my inner critic is less complicated than that, a loving but clueless and completely in-over-their-head parent, who does want me and care about my well-being, but is frightened and baffled by my feelings and needs, who gets frustrated and impatient with me because I can't just DO THE THINGS.  So my inner critic is...My father?  With maybe a little of my stepmother mixed in?  Wow do I not want to deal with my feelings about the other set of parents.

[Bach]

There are too many voices in here.

[Not Alone]

There are too many voices in here.

I get that. Do what you can to bring comfort, tea, blanket, etc.

[Bach]

The one whose trauma has to this point been completely overlooked is Lizzy B.  Lizzy B, the one who thought she had been delivered from * and given a place she could blossom only to find that all she could do was disappoint and be disappointed.  No one was actively trying to hurt her in the cold house where headphones were her best friend, but no one was trying not to hurt her, either.  And she was subjected to so many casual hurts, so many, so painful.  It wasn't her fault that she was unsocialised and untaught.  It was THEIR job to teach her, and they didn't do it.  That was not her fault.  That was horribly unfair.  It wasn't precisely their fault either, but it was horribly unfair.

Lizzy B has all the treasures, all the things I first loved the most when I had a little bit of space to be myself, but she is also the one who learned the terrible conflict between persistent hope for something better and the deeply conditioned expectation that anything that seemed good would only turn out to hurt in some new and overwhelming way.  The joy thief was born in Lizzy B, and probably the bipolar nature as well.  But I love her, and I want to see what she can create if I can nurture her and draw her out by way of paint or pencils or polymer clay.

[Snowdrop]

I love the compassion and understanding you have for Lizzy B. You're right, none of it was her fault.

[Not Alone]

If Lizzy B would feel safe with a hug, I'd like to give her one. I want you to know, Lizzie B, that you are of value; who you are and what you feel. This weekend I will be visiting a friend and we plan on finger painting (probably Hope). I wish Lizzie B could join us. She would be welcome. I will think of her.

[Bach]

Too many of them in here.  They all need attention.  I need a better way.  More resources.  More energy.  Aaaaarrrggghhhh 

I am not in control of this. Helllllllp

[Not Alone]

Bach, I hear (saw) that you are not in control of this. I get that you feel completely overwhelmed. I wish I had some answers for you. I guess for this moment, do what you can to bring some calm to ALL: heavy animal buddies, music, safe movie or t.v., warm drink, ask someone safe to sit with you, etc. It is really hard to have so many who are having such big feelings and needing (rightfully so) care. Sending my care and hugs to ALL for whom it feels safe and comforting.