A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

Thank you, notalone. I wish I had more of a grip. I kind of love it when Middle B shows up and posts but it also freaks me out. I think I'm a bit scared of her.

[Bach]

Got to learn how to love myself.  Even the part of me that is a child who wants to be sick because it's safer than trying to navigate the outside world, and even a little safer than everything in my life really, please don't make me think about it!.

[Not Alone]

My love to you, Bach, Middle B and all the Littles. It is so hard when things feel so overwhelming. 

[Bach]

Thank you, notalone    I feel a bit crazy right now.  It really helps to have what's going on in my head with the inners acknowledged and taken seriously as a way towards healing rather than as some kind of frightening psychosis.

Last night I dreamed about eating broken glass.  I can't quite remember the rest of the dream.  It had something to do with someone's garden being trashed because of construction.  That happened at my house last year, but the garden in the dream didn't look like mine and wasn't in the context of the dream understood in any way to be mine.  Now I can't get the glass-eating (chewing?) out of my head.  In the dream itself it seems to have been more-or-less a neutral experience.  In the dream, it wasn't necessarily a pleasant thing, but it didn't seem to injure or distress me in any way either.  After I woke up, though, I kept remembering the glass-eating (chewing?  Biting?).  I found it unsettling and wanted to forget about it, and after a while I did, but just now it came back into my head when I was watching a TV show in which a character had anxiety, and it's creeping me out again.  Psychically, I feel sort of like I did swallow glass shards and now they are cutting me up inside. 

Also just remembered that I ate a chocolate bar too close to bedtime last night.  I enjoyed every bit of it when it was going down, but then when I tried to go to sleep I had insomnia anxiety which I only tolerated for about five minutes before taking a klonopin.  Must more closely watch the connection between night-time treats and insomnia anxiety at bedtime.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Just wanted to wish you the best for tonight, and hope that you get more rest and a nicer sleep.    to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Bach,

The inners are real. You are not crazy. I know that sometimes it gets really loud and they need a lot and they can pull in different directions. Sometimes it is really hard. I am glad that the inners are being heard. They are precious and important and so are you. 

[Bach]

I've got a hypervigilant 9 year old in here in charge of self-care and medication.

[Snowdrop]

The inners are definitely real. I read in a book about IFS that everybody has inners or parts, it's just that some people, such as those of us who have experienced trauma, are more aware of them.

Notalone's right. The inners are precious and important, and so are you. I'm glad they're being heard.

[Bach]

Hope and notalone, thank you so much for being here, for reading, for believing and valuing and caring about me in my confusing multiplicity. 

Snowdrop, I have been investigating IFS online a bit in the past few days.  I can't take in very much at a time.  The basic concept that multiplicity is in the nature of the mind really resonates with me, but the idea that it's a good and healthy thing goes against what I've been conditioned to believe and refutes a lot of what has often been considered evidence of my fundamental defectiveness and insanity.  So although I can perceive the rightness and value and health and sanity of embracing my multiplicity, doing so is turning out to be a real struggle for me.  I wish that I could organise my thoughts and lose this fear I have of discussing the specifics of my parts, defining them and formally attaching them to their names and possibly even their pictures.  I think it could help but it feels so overwhelming.

[Not Alone]

Bach, you have begun the process of "embracing your multiplicity" when you are kind and tender to your inners, when they are given a voice. Take it slowly. You are doing good work.

[Bach]

Thank you, not alone 

There's some interesting stuff going on in here. It feels like a huge overwhelming responsibility, but it can be so helpful to understand more about who is reacting and why, and what I can do to soothe and care for them so that we can all live a less uncomfortable and more enjoyable life.

[Snowdrop]

 

[Bach]

I'm finally starting to make progress in recovering from my physical sickness, and Middle B isn't very happy about that.  I'm doing the best I can with that.  I suppose she is, too, but it's all very, very hard.  I had an insight about that earlier, can't quite remember but it was something like that Middle B is the one who only feels safe when she's sick.  I'm thinking now that Middle B is also the one who carries the chronic severe depression. 

[Bach]

Content warning:  Drug talk.











It's also Middle B who believes that the only thing that ever gives any relief at all is drugging myself with painkillers, marijuana or food.  She knows those things are completely unreliable, that they don't always work, that they sometimes make us sick either right away or when they wear off, and that it's always very, very dangerous to have too much of them, but also believes that seeking possible relief those things might provide is almost always worth the risks and consequences.  It's Middle B who feels that we can't successfully function in the world without smoking pot and who always, always, always wants to do it and will choose or even trick me into doing it even at times when the rest of us know it's not necessary or sometimes outright counterproductive.  It's never difficult to impose boundaries with other drugs, and though boundaries with food are more difficult they have gotten much easier than they used to be, but boundaries around cannabis use are a constant struggle not matter how much sense they make or how much they ultimately benefit me.

[Snowdrop]

Is it possible Middle B likes these things because they sometimes make you sick, not just as a relief? I just wonder because you said earlier that she only feels safe when she's sick. It sounds like the world must be a scary place for her.

I feel a lot of compassion for you and Middle B.