A Safe Place To Be Visible

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach,

i have faith that you will find the way that is going to work best for you.  just want you to know i'm with everyone else, hanging onto you, not letting go.  we got you!  love and hugs, my dear

[owl25]

That sounds really tough, Bach. It's so hard to be stuck in our healing because of stuck points like this. I don't have any answers but I hope maybe your T can help you figure this out.

[Bach]

I so appreciate everyone who is listening out there.  These past several days have been really rough.  Today I had a little revelation about just what it is that I need to let go of, and it is FEAR.  The fear of my mother.  I need to let go of being afraid of my mother, but I have no idea how to do that, especially not without speaking to her.  I can't speak to her because I'm afraid to.  So is it even possible to let go of being afraid of her without confronting that fear by speaking to her?

I talked it out with My Person at the swimming pool this afternoon, and we came up with a place for me to start on speaking to her again that would be plausible and fairly neutral.  Now I have to decide when/whether I really want to do that.  I think I know what I want from it, and I think I know what I could expect from it, so that's good.  It's really hard for me to think about dealing with it, but I'm not sure there's any other way through this.  As long as my mother is still alive, I don't know how else I will be able to let go of fearing her, and I don't want to wait for her to die to be able to do that.  Aside from the fact that she comes from hardy stock and could still live for years, it would be really nice to not have to wish her dead.  Wishing her dead might be understandable and forgiveable and all that, but it still feels like strong negative karma, and I'd love to be free of it.

The most important thing for me to do now is sit with this idea for a while, ponder it, chant about it.  Figure out what I need to do to make it safe.  I'm learning so much more about how to make things safe for me, so working that out is most likely a doable thing.  What's crucial now is that I not rush myself into it.  That's always my impulse when there's something I know I have to deal with that I don't want to deal with; to charge in and get it over with.  But if I've learned anything in this long and painful life, it's that charging in never works out.  So, yeah, sit with it.  Maybe confront the smell of her perfume first. 

[Not Alone]

The most important thing for me to do now is sit with this idea for a while, ponder it, chant about it.  Figure out what I need to do to make it safe.  I'm learning so much more about how to make things safe for me, so working that out is most likely a doable thing.  What's crucial now is that I not rush myself into it.  That's always my impulse when there's something I know I have to deal with that I don't want to deal with; to charge in and get it over with.  But if I've learned anything in this long and painful life, it's that charging in never works out.  So, yeah, sit with it.  Maybe confront the smell of her perfume first.

That sounds like a good idea, taking your time and figuring out how to do things in a way that is safe for you.

[sanmagic7]

 

i agree - i think you're figuring it out really well for yourself, bach.  love and hugs!

[Snowdrop]

The most important thing for me to do now is sit with this idea for a while, ponder it, chant about it.  Figure out what I need to do to make it safe.  I'm learning so much more about how to make things safe for me, so working that out is most likely a doable thing.  What's crucial now is that I not rush myself into it.  That's always my impulse when there's something I know I have to deal with that I don't want to deal with; to charge in and get it over with.  But if I've learned anything in this long and painful life, it's that charging in never works out.  So, yeah, sit with it.

This sounds like an excellent idea, Bach. Needing to let go of the fear makes a lot of sense.

[Bach]

I'm continuing to do really hard work in therapy examining this question of what things I might need to let go of to make further progress towards good health; pleasing a mother who wants me to be sick and unhappy, trying to signal for help from an increasingly detached and otherwise occupied father, acting out my anger at my parents by suffering, fearing and placating the resentful rejecting mother who never wanted me, who saw me as competition that had to be destroyed, wanted me dead, blamed me for everything she hated about herself and her life.  It's wearing me out.  I'm so tired.

Thank you for all the support, my friends    There's important stuff happening and I can't rush through it.  It's so helpful to be able to air it here.  I appreciate beyond what I can express your understanding and caring.

[Not Alone]

There's important stuff happening and I can't rush through it. 

Absolutely. And bravo for all those huge insights that you have about yourself and relationships to your M and F. It takes a lot of courage to be able to know those things.

[Tee]

  hugs Bach ttake care of you!

[Snowdrop]

Important stuff indeed. I'm glad you're not rushing it. Well done, Bach. Big insights, and you're doing brilliantly.

[Bach]

I'm so sick of doing therapy on the phone.  I'm so sick of the call not being clear and my therapist constantly having to interrupt to ask me what I said.  I'm sick of bouncing around in my filthy messy room not-airconditioned room, not wanting My Person to overhear me.  I know he's not listening to what I'm saying but sometimes he'll say something like "I heard you yelling in there" and I hate it, hate it, hate it.  I'm sick of trying to talk about my crap when I'm sitting on my bed looking at the visual representation of my mental chaos depicted by all the clutter and disarray in there.  I miss leaving the house and going to my therapist's office, stopping at the quick mart for a treat coffee on the way.  I miss missing My Person.  I generally like having him around, but since the fake quarantine he NEVER EVER LEAVES.  He used to go out to places like the gym and softball practice, but now he's just always here, all the time, and he's so BIG.  Big and loud, and he doesn't know how to be physically gentle.  He likes to squeeze me and pat me and roughhouse like I'm a big dog, and although I like hugs, many of his ways of demonstrating physical affection make me anxious.  I've been trying for a long time to teach him how he can be affectionate without hurting or upsetting me, but he has trouble understanding because he's strong and healthy and untraumatised and he doesn't know what it's like when your whole life is walking a tightrope balanced over a high chasm of anxiety and pain.

I want Other    And I want to not have to do this %$^&*&(^* therapy session.
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Edited to add:  I did my ^&*&(*&^(* therapy session and I hated it.  I realised that a big problem I have right now is that I am a tired angry adult who is trying to do things to take care of the kids but feels worn out by the effort.  Basically, right now I am both the resentful mother who doesn't want to deal with the needy child, and I'm the needy child too.  I have to find a way to avoid treating Middle B and the gang like my mother treated me when I was a child.

[Tee]

  it's good to hear from you Bach.  I know how you feel with everyone being here all the time. This covid crap is really hard.  Sending a hug of understanding I also feel your pain with trying to both be the mother and the child middle B has be friended Little which I appreciate but it is hard for me as well to find that balance between life and healing it is hard you doing great! Keep putting one foot in front of the other we are here to help.  My T keeps telling me and Little that I'm loved by my kids and H and I'm a good mommy so I've changed the cycle. Which is amazing and if nothing else I should be proud of that on days I can't see any other light.  Bach on days you can't see any other light remember you have us and the work you do with middle B and the others have helped me and I'm sure others to face their own parts and past with a little more care.  Just remember your not alone I'm standing there with you whenever you need me.

[Bach]

Thank you so much, Tee    You are very kind and I appreciate it very much.  I'm glad to hear that I have been helpful to you.  I often worry that I don't participate here enough but I also feel that it's very important that I not try to force myself especially when I'm in a lot of distress.  So that is encouraging!

Other wants to go away for the weekend in August and although I want to do that very much, the whole idea is very anxiety-provoking because of times in the past when we have tried to plan something like this and things have gone wrong and led to estrangement.  I am really hoping we are past that especially with the greater understanding of each other that we have reached in the past year through my learning about CPTSD, but it's scary and I know that I must approach it cautiously.  Also, he wants to go away to the shore, which I associate heavily with my childhood summers.  Yesterday I realised that I do not even know how to plan a trip to the shore, because my entire concept of it is left over from summers with my mother and grandmother that happened 45 years ago, and that's a perspective even narrower than it is out of date.  So I told him we need to talk about it, and he said that we will.  My old way with him was always to go along with what he wanted to do no matter how I felt about it.  I now realise that my fear of asking for our plans to take my needs into account was really fear of my mother left over from the past, and that it should be safe to ask him to accommodate me.  That he might even appreciate the opportunity to negotiate a plan that will serve us both instead of having to deal with the insecurity that I suspect I've often made him feel when I've been unable to ask for what I want.  So all that is good but also really terrifying.  All I want to do lately is hide in my house and do drugs.  It takes all my strength just to keep walking around.

[Tee]

  good job speaking up even if you are scared it's hard to set boundaries at first but it does get easier. Asking for what you need or want is part of that.  So good job baby steps.  And you are getting up and moving around so yeah there too.  Finding things to love for through recovery is sometimes the hardest thing.
Facing the long Past demons that we have split to hide and repress to survive and maintain some semblance of normalcy, come crashing and flooding back to the forefront of minds. 
We need the tribe to help us along and support all of our parts and at times hold us together by the virtual hugs and Kind words of people the have walked a similar path either in front, behind, or beside.  Helping each other through this scary life off cptsd.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I understand the distress about not going to T's office for therapy. I do online therapy so I do have the visual. I also deal with other people in the house. (I turn on the bathroom fan for white noise.) There are times the internet freezes or once didn't work for the last ten minutes, then time up. Was dealing with tough stuff so very disturbing. I could say more about this, but want you to know that I understand and share your frustration.

I'm glad you are letting Other know what you need regarding getting away. Good job.