A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

notalone, the not-in-person therapy thing is brutal.  I'm telling myself that it's okay to resent the therapy as long as I still do it.  I chose the phone instead of the computer because I hate, hate, hate being on camera.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I can only tolerate video calls with my very closest loved ones, and even then I feel a bit awkward.

This morning I was feeling very agitated, so I took a walk, and along the way I became aware that Little B was distressed, so I imagined that I was taking a walk with a small child and did my best to tune in to what a small child might need or be feeling.  It was surprisingly difficult, and surprising how different it was from what was on my adult mind.  Once I did that, I was able to feel some of the small child's pleasure at being out for a walk on a sunny morning with a trusted adult.  That led to my thinking that if I want to let go of my fear of my mother I need to allow myself to feel empathy for the traumatised parts of her.  Not to negate my anger at everything she did to me, but to separate those feelings, felt towards the person who hurt me, from my ability to see in the grander scheme of things that the suffering she was trying to escape from must have been immense.  I told my therapist that I'd like to be able to interact with my mother the same way I'm able to interact with a friend of mine who I was close to 15 years ago when she was a young woman, but who became schizophrenic in her late 20s and is not really the same person anymore.  Sometimes she's a bit more like that person, and sometimes a bit less, sometimes she's completely nuts and sometimes she's almost reasonable, but at no time is she ever anyone I can expect anything from.  We stay in touch via Messenger, and when I interact with her, I respond to what's reasonable and pretty much ignore what isn't.  She's a suffering human being who I feel compassion for, who is not a threat to me.  I might feel differently if there was a possibility that she would turn up on my doorstep wanting something from me, but I'm 99.5% certain that she won't, and so while that relationship is never very rewarding, for reasons beyond my control it is part of my life, and although it does at times cause me to feel uncomfortable things, it's fundamentally emotionally safe for me.  That's the kind of relationship I'd like to have with my mother.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you were able to tune in to Little B and what she was feeling.

Working toward interacting with your mother like you do with your friend, sounds like a good idea. I'm glad you said, "Not to negate my anger at everything she did to me. . .," because I think it's really important to listen to the hurt she caused.

but at no time is she ever anyone I can expect anything from. 

Also important. I'd hate for you to be hurt even more.

Still with you regarding distance therapy. It has felt intolerable to me. When it feels like it will go on forever, I feel myself falling into an abyss. I want you to know that you are not alone in the distress of teletherapy.

[Tee]

  Bach therapy at a distance is rough!    I agree!!!  It's hard to tune in to the young parts of ourselves.  I'm struggling with that as well.  I'm glad you were able to take some time on your walk today. 

Hugs as you work towards healing and finding a new relationship with you M.

[Bach]

I love you, friends. 

I started reading a book about IFS.  I don't understand very much of it.  I've had this problem with exploring IFS before.  But there's an idea I'm trying to grasp that I think might be helpful, and that's the notion of figuring out what part I have that is dead set on compulsive drug use as a substitute problem.  I'm realising that "parts" might be different from what I've been thinking of as my inner selves?  I've been thinking of my inner selves as being me from various different phases of my life, and this doesn't seem to be the same thing as that at all.  It's very confusing. 

[Three Roses]

I'm a beginner myself, but I first started really getting the concept using that inner critic voice we all have as an example. I used to think this "voice" was a negative thing trying to hurt me, but using IFS I've started to understand that it's a part of me that's trying to help me - by being critical, it's attempting to help me by keeping me from making bad decisions or putting myself in situations where I'll get hurt. This video is part 1 of 4, a question and answer event talking about it further... https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

[Tee]

  parts can be confusing for sure and distressing at times until we get to where we can look at the pain in the face and deal with it.  This is a hard journey good luck here with you!

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach,

lots of credit to you for remaining in this journey, exploring bits and pieces that you're not familiar with, and moving forward.

i understand on one level about being able to separate people from their traumas, have empathy for them, etc.  i'm able to do that with certain people in my life, but not all of them.  altho i had to go nc w/ my oldest d because of her ongoing abuse, i also am still able to love her and recognize how much pain she has been thru in her life - many different diagnoses, including schizophrenia - and can feel some compassion for her.

still, i cannot put my ex in that category.  weird how that works out sometimes.  but, that's me - maybe i'll feel differently about it at some future time. 

best to you with figuring out your next phase of your journey, bach.  i'm not very knowledgeable about IFS, but i know several people here on the forum are.  i think you're very brave to knock on that door.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Bach, from the best that I understand (and I could be totally wrong  ) how people have "parts" can vary. It doesn't necessarily mean a dissociative disorder. I would say not to try to make yourself fit into what you are reading about IFS; just focus on the information that seems like a fit and a help for you.

[Snowdrop]

I would say not to try to make yourself fit into what you are reading about IFS; just focus on the information that seems like a fit and a help for you.

I agree with this. When I started researching IFS, I took what resonated with me, and put any bits that didn't to one side. I also found some books and approaches resonated with me, and others didn't.

My parts are all sorts of different ages. Some of them are holding traumas, and those traumas may have happened at around the age the part seems to be. The age they appear to be can shift about a bit when I start working with them.

My protector parts can be all sorts of different ages too. When I first start working with them, they can appear to be grown up, or like someone else. When they begin to relax and let go, it's like they take off the mask they're wearing and appear younger.

It's quite possible that the compulsive drug use part is trying to protect you in some way, or protect another part. It might be scared of something, and perhaps not realise that it's in the present.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am just sending you a hug right now, as I wanted to say more, but I'm going to be interrupted in a minute - so I have to go, but I wanted to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Bach]

I don't feel that the Inners are my children or my sisters. I feel that they are my foster children.

If I, Bach, am the protector, who or where is the Self?

[Bach]

A part of me is actually genuinely afraid of having self-care routines to help me be healthier and feel better.  I am afraid of this because my mother's self-care routines seemed much more like mystical incantations against pain and anxiety than like gentle nurturing to increase health and happiness.  What part is this and how can I reassure it?

[Snowdrop]

If I, Bach, am the protector, who or where is the Self?

I find it really hard to think in terms of where the Self is. I find it easier to ask "am I my Self". If I feel qualities of compassion, confidence, curiosity and other things associated with Self, then I know that I'm my Self. If I feel things like fear and anger, things that aren't associated with Self, then I know that I'm blended with a part.

I also find it useful to think in terms of Self energy. How much Self energy I have, and how much I have access to. It's a slightly different way of looking at it, which I sometimes find helpful.

A part of me is actually genuinely afraid of having self-care routines to help me be healthier and feel better.  I am afraid of this because my mother's self-care routines seemed much more like mystical incantations against pain and anxiety than like gentle nurturing to increase health and happiness.  What part is this and how can I reassure it?

I think it's good that you recognise this part's fear, and where it's coming from. I can understand it feeling afraid. My parts have felt afraid of things too.

Maybe the part needs to know more about how the self-care you describe is different? How increased health and happiness is good. How the situation now is different to the situation in the past.

Might the part be open to a tiny bit of self-care to see how it goes? That might help it know that it's safe.

These are just thoughts, please ignore if they're not helpful.

[Bach]

Snowdrop, those thoughts are VERY helpful. Thank you! This in particular:

find it really hard to think in terms of where the Self is. I find it easier to ask "am I my Self". If I feel qualities of compassion, confidence, curiosity and other things associated with Self, then I know that I'm my Self. If I feel things like fear and anger, things that aren't associated with Self, then I know that I'm blended with a part

This gave me a real glimmer of how to start exploring my Self and work on differentiating it from my parts.

Your thoughts are always welcome 

[woodsgnome]

I'm probably risking being misunderstood, but here's how I've come to regard this self/Self territory in my own stuff. It could get complex in a hurry, so I'll try and simplify it. And remember -- I'm not suggesting it's cast in stone or even logical (although it is to me). It does resemble, though, some of what 20th century psychologist Carl Jung (and others) wrote about self-Self, but again it's rather lengthy to go into within a short space.

Basically, I view the (Higher) Self as a sort of overall guiding observer type, but not directly involved in one's everyday affairs. I guess that could also be called an energetic presence, like Snowdrop noted. However, the language about it can be mucked up once certain set-in-stone rigid beliefs come into the picture. Maybe that affected your mother's approach?

The lower-case self is the personality ego/mind, which can include several parts and may not be a unified whole. Except in the sense that the Higher Self can provide guidance if needed.

At least that's how I've come to regard the self/Self issue in my own struggles with forging a way forward. I'm only pointing to my own take on this, and in no way suggesting it's applicable to others.