A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad it's helped.

When I first started using IFS, I found it useful to pay close attention to those Self C qualities. I'd connect to a part, perhaps feel scared, and then say to myself "I feel scared, so I'm blended with a part that's scared". I'd then try and connect to that scared part, perhaps feel angry, and say to myself "I feel angry, so I'm blended with a part that's angry". I'd keep going until I reached a point of feeling curious and compassionate about a part. That's when I'd know that I'd reached my Self.

[Tee]

 

[Bach]

Snowdrop, I read a little bit about the C qualities, and now I think I have found a concept of Self vs parts, and of what it means when Self is blended with parts.  It's a little bit scary right now because at the moment, I feel that I am narrowly present in Self while parts are spinning out all around me.  In fact, it's terrifying, but at the same time, I have an awareness that it will pass and I will be okay.  My body is in turmoil but my mind is clear.  I don't understand.  Does Self understand and is there now a part I'm blended with that doesn't?  It's hard to follow my calm, clear mind when my whole body is panicking.

[Snowdrop]

Snowdrop, I read a little bit about the C qualities, and now I think I have found a concept of Self vs parts, and of what it means when Self is blended with parts.

That's excellent, Bach.

It's a little bit scary right now because at the moment, I feel that I am narrowly present in Self while parts are spinning out all around me.  In fact, it's terrifying, but at the same time, I have an awareness that it will pass and I will be okay.  My body is in turmoil but my mind is clear.  I don't understand.  Does Self understand and is there now a part I'm blended with that doesn't?  It's hard to follow my calm, clear mind when my whole body is panicking.

Based on things I've experienced, I interpret that as you being in your Self, but you're partially blended with a part who's scared and might be overwhelming you. When this happens to me, it can be a bit like I'm driving a bus (as my Self) but there's this part who keeps trying to take over the steering wheel.

In situations like this, I find it helpful to tell the part that it's ok. I know it's scared, but it's safe. I then ask the part to give me some space. I ask it not to overwhelm me, and I tell it that I can still give it attention without it having to overwhelm me.

Hang in there, Bach. Hang on to that feeling of Self. Your Self is right. It will pass, and you'll be ok.

One other thing that might be worth a try is listening to the audiobook Greater Than the Sum of Our Parts by Richard Schwartz. It has lots of guided meditations in it for communicating with parts, and getting them to calm down. The audiobook's a bit expensive, but if you can get a free Audible trial, you should be able to download it for free.

[Tee]

  Bach it will get better

[Bach]

I spent a couple of days with Other.  I'm really thankful that visiting with Other no longer feels like the total crapshoot it used to with regard to whether or not we'd be able to relax and enjoy each other's company.  I know I can't assume that we'll never cross each other up again, but it just feels different now.  I feel different.  It feels so much safer to love him now.  Some day it might even feel safe to say the words again, but that has started to feel less important.

Something weird happened, though.  Sex-related possible trigger in white:
We were making love and he was on top of me, and when he started to climax some quirk of how our bodies were pressed together and moving caused my breath to be restricted.  I was fully aware of it in the moment, and although it was an uncomfortable and abstractly scary feeling, it did not frighten me or make me feel threatened at all.  I knew that I could tell him to get off me if I needed to, but I could breathe enough and everything else felt really, really good, so I didn't.  He finished just before the point when I probably would have told him, and it was really intense and quite lovely.  So I was fine with the whole thing in the moment, but then later I had some trouble falling asleep, and when I did fall asleep, I had a bad dream that involved him hurting me and not stopping when I asked him to.  Although the dream was distressing, as soon as I woke up I was able to tell myself "That was a dream.  He's right here and he is sweet Other".  He's a veteran of my bad dreams and I could have asked him for comfort if I needed to, but he had been restless earlier in the night and was finally sleeping soundly, so I didn't want to disturb him if I didn't have to.
In particular, I didn't want to wake him up just to tell him he'd been cruel to me in a dream.  So I put my hand on his hip and that calmed me, and I went back to sleep.  All that is good, but a couple of images from the dream and the strangeness of the lovemaking have stayed in my head.

I'm really confused and I don't know what to do with it.  Our visit was so nice.  The memory of it doesn't deserve to be eclipsed by this and I want to just let it go, but...? 

[Not Alone]

Bach, I'm not spending much time on OOTS this month, but I did catch up on reading your journal tonight. I took a sleeping pill, which just hit me. I will just let you know that I care and send you tender thoughts and hugs. 

[Bach]

Snowdrop, a bunch of the stuff that you've shared with me recently has been very helpful.  The other day, you wrote this:

When this happens to me, it can be a bit like I'm driving a bus (as my Self) but there's this part who keeps trying to take over the steering wheel.

In situations like this, I find it helpful to tell the part that it's ok. I know it's scared, but it's safe. I then ask the part to give me some space. I ask it not to overwhelm me, and I tell it that I can still give it attention without it having to overwhelm me.

This really resonated with me when I first read it a few days ago, and it must have really stuck with me because today when I was talking to my therapist about my visit with Other I realised that I've been doing something very much like this in the past few days and that it has served me well.  Something about the bus analogy really helped me grasp what is meant by Self vs parts.  I got a copy of the book you recommended and will be interested to delve into it once I've taken a breather from this worthwhile but truly taxing work on myself that I've been doing lately.  Thank you so much for your input

notalone, thank you for coming by   Thinking of you.  I hope you are enjoying your summer.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad it helped, my friend.

[Bach]

I had a big regression, numbing out with food and drugs and TV all day. Felt low and small and drained and did almost nothing. Didn't leave the house all day but in the evening I did go for a little walk with my Person, so there's that. Suffered a bit of Other withdrawal and feeling rejected because he didn't call today, but I was able to remind myself that he is stressed out trying to get his schoolwork done and will call when he's ready, and managed to hold off the urge to fish for attention from him, which is something that often causes trouble. I suppose that's what I needed to numb today with all that excess. I just didn't have the energy to stand against it. Oh well. I love and accept myself and will start fresh tomorrow.

[Hope67]

  Bach, I hope you slept well, and I'm glad you're loving and accepting yourself. 
Hope 

[Bach]

Thank you, Hope

Today was also hard. I  did maybe a tiny bit better than yesterday, but maybe not. I didn't do any worse, at least. I'm figuring out so much about how things happen in my head and body and how the two follow each other and I know I can't expect to do work this deep without blowback. I know I need to be patient with myself. So although I am tired and frustrated, and anxious about my ability to meaningfully change, I will again state love and acceptance for myself with all my flaws, and intention to try again tomorrow.

[Snowdrop]

When this sort of thing happens to me, it's because a protector part (usually a firefighter) has got scared. It usually happens when an exile part has become activated for some reason, or I've got a bit too close to an exile part without the permission of its protectors. The firefighter does what it can to distract me from what's going on with the exile part. It grabs hold of the bus steering wheel, and sends me numb through things like eating, TV or reading.

It helps me to carefully talk to the firefighter part that's making me go numb, thank it for protecting me and caring about me, and trying to find out what it's scared of. I then try and negotiate with it.

Hope this helps.

[Bach]

Thanks as always for your input, Snowdrop. I need to do some more reading and see if I can get a handle on the protector/firefighter/exile thing because I don't really understand it well at all.

I'm a wreck today. Anxiety and stomach pain that won't quit. I overate but not as egregiously as the last few days and I did a few useful things today though so at least I'm not totally spiralling into the dysfunction pit. I really hope I can get out of this loop soon.

[sanmagic7]

i hope so, too, bach.  please, be patient with yourself, ok?  sometimes we just need time and space.  you deserve that.  love and hugs