A Safe Place To Be Visible

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woodsgnome

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #480 on: December 05, 2020, 03:17:33 AM »
Whatever you do at this point, Bach, I think you might acknowledge that bottom line, it is your life and you're discovering the boundaries that support your continued survival.  Even if they change, feeling out the boundaries you feel you need can be important as you build self-esteem and confidence in your own well-being and ability to live your truth.

It's also important, I think, for you to know that we fully support you. For my part, I offer this  :hug: as a sign of my  own support and appreciation for how hard this is for you. I hope that you'll continue to find ways of self-discovery and especially self-care to help you navigate these rough times.

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notalone

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #481 on: December 05, 2020, 06:31:14 PM »
Bach, you can always give her more information later if that will benefit you. Share what feels safest for you. You don't HAVE to tell her anything.

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #482 on: December 06, 2020, 03:03:51 AM »
Thank you for the support and input, Jazzy, woodsgnome and notalone. I decided not to explain myself and told her simply that I would prefer to keep it to correspondence for now. I feel good and comfortable with that.

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Tee

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #483 on: December 06, 2020, 05:17:12 AM »
 :hug: Do what feels safe Bach.  The boundaries are for you to be able to help safe and continue to heal. If you think you need to push yourself then push, if you feel maybe that's too much to fast wait.  There's time.   We are here with love and support no matter what. :hug:

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Bach

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Seems Like An Important Thought
« Reply #484 on: December 10, 2020, 02:01:33 PM »
I don't want to feel great, because feeling great is dangerous.  I only just barely feel safe feeling "okay".  And I love praise and approval such as my clay teacher gives me, but that's not safe either, and the blissful contentedness I feel when I leave the studio comes at the cost of INCREASED ANXIETY the rest of the time.  Maybe that's why I can't seem to stop smoking and use my infused mints instead no matter how much I theoretically want to or how much I've proved to myself that they are also effective even if the experience of it is different in a way I need to get used to: Because the compulsive smoking and my unhappiness with it keeps my equilibrium by counterbalancing my recent increase in willingness to hope for more happiness/a better day-to-day quality of life.

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #485 on: December 18, 2020, 05:12:33 PM »
I'm trying to come out and trying to connect but I am so full of fear.  I want to hide my sickness and dysfunction, and hide IN my sickness and dysfunction.  I don't want to smile and put a good spin on it.  I don't want to "do it anyway".  I don't want to "TRY".  But I will.  I will do it anyway.  I will try.  And I'll have a healthy dinner, and I won't eat ice cream, and I'll go to bed hoping I feel better tomorrow.  And sooner or later, I probably will. 

Sigh.

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sanmagic7

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #486 on: December 18, 2020, 06:44:22 PM »
weird how that stuff works, bach.  i get it - been there, done that, still do it.

i give you so much credit for forging ahead anyway.  i have faith in you.  love and hugs :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #487 on: December 21, 2020, 07:27:23 PM »
Sending you a gentle hug of support, if that's ok Bach  :hug:

Hope  :)

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Tee

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #488 on: December 21, 2020, 11:35:47 PM »
 :hug: Bach I feel like we could be the same person at times.  I feel the same right now. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.  However, I have kids so that's not really an option.  I hope tomorrow is better for you.  One foot in front of the other. Faking it until the smile becomes real. Eventually it will right? I hope one day the trauma fades from memory so I can smile and be in the present. I hope this for you too. :hug: Sending an understanding hug.

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #489 on: February 13, 2021, 11:08:39 PM »
Yesterday, I had one of those moments with Other when he surprises me.  He called me up to vent to me about a stressful and frustrating situation he's having at work.  After I listened and made appropriate noises, I thought he was going to hurry me off the phone without having a moment for the bad state I've been in lately.  Sometimes he's not a great listener, and he's always very busy so often doesn't have much time to stay on the phone.   So I was angstily miserabling to him a little bit and though he did indeed have to go, first he remarked that I get like this every year around this time, and that I'll start feeling better soon.  Later in the day I was thinking about that, and I realised that he was probably right.  So I texted him "Every year around this time, eh?" and he called me right back to explain more about what he had observed and how it related to some things he had read about in his partner's medical publications, and what some possible remedies might be.  It always startles me when he demonstrates that even though I often feel invisible to him when I'm not right in front of him, he really is paying attention.  I thanked him for noticing it and sharing it with me, and after he stumbled over a few parting words and got off the phone I said "He loves me.  He does, he loves me" with a big smile.  It was a sunny moment in a very grey and gloomy heart.

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Hope67

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #490 on: February 14, 2021, 08:39:49 AM »
Hi Bach,
I love the sunny moment you shared with your Other.  It made me smile, and it was a lovely thing to read on Valentine's Day. 
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #491 on: February 15, 2021, 01:54:58 AM »
Thank you, Hope :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #492 on: February 19, 2021, 06:35:33 PM »
I've just read what you wrote, Bach, and it made me smile too. I hope you start feeling better soon. :hug:

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #493 on: February 23, 2021, 11:10:47 PM »
Snowdrop  :hug:

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Bach

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Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« Reply #494 on: February 26, 2021, 02:54:31 AM »
I'm having a very rough week. I've been very down. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with my birthday coming up on Friday. I don't have any specific memories of birthdays but something about birthdays is weighing very heavily on Middle B. A few days ago I was feeling really down and longing for Other, and I texted him saying I wished he would come see me for my birthday. He can't. I didn't really expect him to be able to, but for some reason I was hit with a devastating feeling of rejection. I made a conscious decision not to try to deny or escape or hurry myself through that feeling but to fully experience it, while making sure to remember that Other did not actually reject me. He never remembers my birthday but that's because he thinks birthdays are not important, not because he thinks I am not important. And I've never asked him to place any importance on my birthday. I've hinted that I'd like for him to, but I'm not going to hold him responsible for failing to read my mind.

I will recognise myself for realising that my feelings of neglect, rejection, being overlooked, etc., were coming from Middle B and were about what she wanted and couldn't get from the mother rather than from anything Other did or didn't do. In the past I would have made it all about him in my mind, and then possibly caused trouble between us by inadvertently scapegoating  him for how easily the barely healed scabs of Middle B's emotional deprivation still rupture and bleed. So, thank goodness I didn't do that.

Part of me feels that the exercise of choosing to dig in and feel all of it instead of pushing it down or engaging in maladaptive coping methods is a healthy one, but I wonder if somewhere inside me there's a twisted sort of lust for that pain. After restraining myself from saying anything stupid to Other, I laid on the couch and wallowed in the sadness. I text-vented to a friend while crying huge profound silent tears that oozed burningly from my eyes and dripped down my cheeks, and there was something seductive about how fully I gave myself to the utter misery. I felt no catharsis, but there was a sense of satisfaction to be able to genuinely experience such painful feelings without being frightened by them. I think some part of me believes that I can cry off all the old pain. That those giant silent gravid tears dissolve old pain and carry it out of me. For a long time now I have been unable to cry real tears, and something about releasing all that strangely hot thick liquid felt therapeutic. I want to do it again. Maybe I'm just a masochist, or a tragedy-mongerer just like the mother. I'm so confused and so very tired of all of this.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 01:45:28 PM by Bach »