This morning I wanted come here and type out in bold and in all caps all the negative words about my life that I had in my head. I don't remember what all of them were, but one of them was definitely "loser" and another was probably "unacceptable". "Reject" was probably in there, too. But before I did that, I read some other journals here and started formulating a response, which always takes longer than I think it will. Then I had to work out over video with my trainer (I thought for many months that I couldn't deal with doing it over video, but around the end of last year I realised that I had to suck it up and do it. I hate doing it over video, but not actually as much as I thought I would. Win. She says grimly). I was in a very bad mood during my workout. I told my trainer that I was not going to try to be positive because if I had to spend the energy on trying to generate or fake positivity, I wouldn't have enough left over to do the blanking workout, and getting through the workout was going to have to be enough. So I did it, and I hated it, and I complained the whole time, and I could see on my trainer's face when we were done that he was just as relieved that it was over with as I was. So I started to feel bad about my bad attitude and get upset about not having parted warmly as we usually do, but then I had a thought and wrote this:
I don’t have to worry about people who love me deciding they don't love me anymore if I’m in a bad mood, because they know that the good mood me who they love will be back. It is okay to be negative and in a bad mood as long as I am not being abusive and scapegoating others for my problems.
So after that, I'm still angry and sad and in pain and in a bad mood and not enjoying life at all, but I no longer feel the need to yell those negative words at myself.
It was child-self who wanted to do that. I'm not going to pin it to Little B or Middle B or any other B, because the children-selves have been reacting in unified misery and discouragement ever since the phone call I had yesterday with a newer health care practitioner who, contrary to absolutely every professional I've spoken to about my health in the past 30 years, told me that my high cholesterol IS a problem and that I need to address it through my diet. I've always been told that although my cholesterol numbers are high, they are in balance and not high in the way that is supposed to be bad for you. Like, literally, "It's not something you need to worry about." But now somehow it is? Now I'm going to need to find out how true this is or isn't. Child-self EXPLODED on this woman in the face of something so discouraging and completely unexpected (especially on top of the similarly unexpected bad news a few weeks ago that I have developed osteoporosis in my spine), with storming and crying and tarry-black negativity. It was like a killing blow to small bright spirits that I have seen glimpses of recently. But I'm not angry or upset with child-self. I understand and have compassion. The children-selves haven't liked this woman from Day 1, and I'm bemused at Adult-self for forgetting that, and not being better prepared to deal with her. But we'll all forgive each other for all of this and carry on doing things, because we have to keep doing things whether we are happy and feel good or not.
