A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Not Alone]

    Bach, I read your entire post. You have so many thoughts and feelings, so much that you are holding now. Sending care to you.

[Bach]

I didn't want to write about the way that what used to be the beautiful garden is now a neglected overgrown mess. There's still a goodly chunk that is lawn, a big enough area to host three dozen or so people for this ridiculous memorial, but the rest is covered with ivy. So much ivy. All over everything and creeping in. My grandfather's corner is filled with junk trees. There's the 2' stump of a tree that my brother helped plant when he was very young that was cut down some time since 2014 when I last saw the house, and it's just a hump under the ivy. This in particular haunts me.

I DID want to write about the sad awfulness of a memorial service for a man who wasn't really close to anyone besides the black hole of narcissism that is my mother, and who no one knew quite what to say about. But honestly, that seems so inconsequential now compared to that ivy jungle. Possibly because last week I aired it all out talking with my brother about all of it.

There was other family stress last week, and, complicated by a slow recovery from the covid vaccine, I have fallen ill and am on full rest. Full rest is hard but it will work if I pursue it conscientiously and with patience, mentally as well as physically. I'm making a plan for a long slow recovery. I always rush myself back into activity too quickly and it's become obvious to me that's a big part of the reason I have not been able to improve my physical health despite many years of efforts. Along with my physical exhaustion I'm reckoning with some really deep trauma stuff. I pushed too hard with tapping about that yesterday and freaked out Middle B, who went into a pretty intense flashback when it was time to sleep. She did not want to be comforted in any way that I could offer. So I simply acknowledged her struggle and then stayed with her until she could let go and go to sleep. I don't know what she was afraid of. I'm not sure she knows. I think she may have been having flashbacks of things done to us when we were all baby SE.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate you offering these reflections.  I am here with you as you navigate your way. 

[Not Alone]

Bach, I'm glad you are resting and giving yourself permission for a long, slow recovery.

Middle B., I know how difficult it can be when it is time to sleep. Sounds like you had a lot of really big feelings. I know how scary and hard that is.

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
I also appreciated reading your reflections, and I want to send you a supportive hug  plus lots of care your way. 
Hope 

[Armadillo]

I'm gently thinking of Middle B and all she is carrying. And cheering on you for resting and recovering.

[Bach]

Thank you all so much for reading and responding. I feel cared about which I appreciate because right now I am very down and feeling bad about myself for being unable to work or do anything at all. Having to ask my husband for everything. Being afraid he will think I'm exaggerating or faking but also being afraid that if I am not able to be strict enough about this full resting thing I will never get better and will end up like my aunt, who took to her bed in her 40s and stayed there for 35 years hating everyone and everything until she died of cancer.

[BeeKeeper]

Bach,

Could you see your asking and accepting help as a step of growth? Sometimes in life, all we can do is hang on, and live through the day. I've had 4 such "episodes" each lasting variable amounts of time and the last being fairly recent. Rest is probably the hardest concept to grasp, then execute. We're used to doing, doing, and doing some more. Proving, striving, reaching and planning. 

You have support and encouragement here. Getting better happens in a series of forward/backward moves. Dig into what makes you special and unique. Hold it in your hands over your heart and breathe gently.

[Bach]

Beekeeper, thank you for your thoughtful and understanding post. Resting is SO hard, especially because not being able to use my body leaves me trapped in my racing, grinding mind.

Today I am feeling humbled by realising how much I take physical movement for granted even on a low energy day. My poor body. I have treated it horribly and completely ignored it while always chasing fixes for my brain. It's all been about my mood. I have never really asked my body what it needs, only came up with thing after thing to try to address my psyche and mental functioning, then expected my body to blindly obey my capricious will. Then I have abused and punished it when it didn't do what I wanted, all in the name of fixing my mood. It's one thing for me to heal my Inners, but what about my Outer?

[BeeKeeper]

Bach, take heart. It is possible to be kind and "catch up". Your body is a wonderful resource! I know what you mean when you have pursued mind fixes and left your physical self in the dust. My wake up calls resulted twice in seeing bones and joints protruding. Over time it bounces back and then I'm looking at calories, etc. The point being our body lets us know somehow, someway it's unhappy. For people who have been raised with the idea of "bootstrapping" and mind over matter, whatever you call it, it divides the mind/spirit/self into pieces.

You might consider itty bitty things. Walking, if you feel safe outside, sitting in a quiet spot to let your spirit refresh. No all recovery has to include movement. Never mind hot baths and candles. Although valid, I tend to roll my eyes. If you start to feel any sensation or feeling like you are buzzing with uncertainty, take a break and isolate yourself until you figure out what's happening. It takes practice, but it's possible. You can do it!

[Jazzy]

Hi Bach,

I realize I haven't posted in your journal much at all. I apologize for that.

Your previous post here sounds very eye opening. It makes sense to me that you would prioritize your mind over your body because the body is completely dependant on the mind to function. I have done the same thing.

To me, the fact that your mind is now well enough to begin to consider what your body needs is a sign of tremendous healing and growth! That's awesome! 

I hope you continue to heal like this, and when your mind and body are in a good place, perhaps you can look towards nourishing others.

Jazzy <3

[Tee]

  sending a big hug of calm for you Bach. Sorry I've been MIA. I've been pretty low and struggling for a while. But wanted to stop in and let you know you have been in my thoughts and heart.  Sorry to hear that you are struggling to rest and heal.  Sending you a big hug to make you smile.

[Bach]

It's Middle B. Bach is still too tired and resting to write about all the things on her mind but I wanted to say Hi everyone! HI EVERYONE!  I'm lonely and bored and it's nice to see you all! 

We went out for a minute this morning to see the sun and the flowers and get a lavender. Here's a picture of asparagus that Bach found growing in the flowerbed in front of the house. What? What's it doing there? Asparagus lives way around the back.

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51289152592_711886bd57_c.jpg

And here are some flowers I took pictures of when we went out and laid in the grass and I looked up at the clouds for a little while this afternoon. That was so nice and relaxing until somebody set off a fireworks. It didn't scare me too much but Bach was worried if there was another one it would scare me and that made It harder to watch the cloudmovies. So I took these pictures and we went inside.

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51290464728_44a66a92ed_c.jpg

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51291004169_fc9b48bceb_c.jpg

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51290288961_51559e8079_c.jpg

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51289539592_f24bb5d5bd_b.jpg

Bach says enough we gotta rest now! I don't wanna but I promised her I would try so bye for now! 

[Not Alone]

Thank you for sharing your pictures, Middle B.

                                                  

[Tee]

  it's good to here from you middle Bach. I'm sorry Bach is having such a rough time. The pictures are pretty. I hope your were able to rest. Resting is hard sometimes but very important.  Sending lots of hugs for all the parts. Sorry I've been gone it's been a rough time.