A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Snowdrop]

Hi Middle B!

I can relate to feeling unwell after the covid vaccine, Bach. I felt awful after mine, the first one in particular. It took me quite a while to fully recover from it. I hope you're able to rest and be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you.

[Armadillo]

Hi Middle B! 

I love the volunteer asparagus!!!! Surprise!!!

[Bach]

Hi Everybody!  I'm so happy to see you all here   I'm starting to get really lonely and sad because I'm stuck in here and Bach can't do anything and she's really DARK, really DARK and SCARY because she has so many thoughts.  I'm not really too scared because she's not scary like my mom when my mom had too many thoughts but I'm so BORED and SAD and scared that she might get scarier.  I'm so glad we live with Bach and Her Person now and not with my mom but I wish Bach could write about her thoughts because I can hear them but I don't really understand them, and that keeps being one of her thoughts, that she needs to write about her thoughts, and maybe if she'd write about them she could stop being scary.  I want to draw or play with clay or go in the garden or go to the pool and we can't do that stuff because we have to keep resting.  When are we going to get better?!?

Anyway here's a picture of a bee  https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51303099468_21927cf72e_b.jpg

[Armadillo]

That's a beautiful picture of a Bee, Middle B (?). It's such a beautiful caramel color. I'm glad you're writing when Bach can't.  I wish you were not stuck in there, lonely and bored, and scared. I'm glad you don't live with your mom anymore, too. What do you like to do that's fun? I love your energy. It reminds me of my little girl. She's 9 and very bouncy and wants to do a lot of things all the time.

[Hope67]

I love the picture of the bee.  It is so pretty, and looks very comfortable in the flower, gathering the pollen.  I love the big hug you gave to us all as well - those big hugs are lovely. 

Hope 

[Bach]

Hello, friends.  It's ordinary adult Bach here, not in a good way.  Something is wrong with me and I don't know whether it's even real.  I feel awful, have random pains, no energy and no appetite, and every morning I wake up horribly sick to my stomach, but I've begun to wonder whether I have a genuine physical illness, or whether this is somehow something psychological.  It doesn't feel psychological, but it also doesn't make any sense.  If it's psychological, why can't I just be over it?  After everything I've been through in my life I can't figure out any reason why anything that is happening now would have put me into this non-functional state, where all I do is lie on the couch and either watch TV or try to figure out ways to use my screens without hurting my neck.  I literally stink and I can't even manage a shower.  That makes it sound like depression, but it hasn't felt like depression.  At least, not any depression I ever had before.  At least, not before now.  Now on top of my physical symptoms, I have been starting to feel hopeless, like there's no point, like nothing is ever going to get any better.  Like I might give my mother the dead daughter she's always wanted.

Except, no, not really.  I don't actually want to die.  I just want to feel better.  I want to have my life, to live my life.  I'm starting to worry that I never will.  That somehow this is my life now, that vitality, joy, desire, ambition, love, friendship, pleasure, positive energy, are all lost to me for good.  Is this because of my miserable old stepfather dying?  Is it because I've been communicating a bit via text messages with my mother?  I've felt mostly positive and empowered by my communications with my mother, not because those exchanges are warm and wonderful and fulfilling, but because I feel that I've handled them so well and so sanely.  But maybe nothing is particularly different for me with her, because I'm remembering now that in the past, before my years of no contact, it never mattered how I felt about speaking with her or visiting with her.  I would have no idea that the conversation or visit had been negative in any way, but then afterward I would do self-destructive things like binge on weed and junk food or pick a fight with Other or whatever the heck else I used to do, and get sick.  I always thought it was the self-destructive behaviour that made me sick (especially after the time that I ate almost an entire Costco-sized bag of coconut chips and then couldn't poop for a few weeks) but now I'm wondering whether it wasn't that at all, whether the self-destructive stuff was an attempt to escape or excuse or substitute for the sickness.  I've been so proud of myself for not reacting to contact with my mother by doing self-destructive things, but maybe the self-destructive things were always beside the point.  Maybe contact with her really does poison me. 

If so, I'm stuck.  Really stuck.  No-contact wasn't helping anymore.  Re-establishing some kind of relationship really seemed so much like the right thing to do after two years(!) of thinking about it, discussing it with my therapist and my closest people, figuring out what my needs and my motives were, figuring out what I thought would be safe.  If my mother poisons me whether I have contact with her or not, where does that leave me?  If the poison is inside me and there's no way to get it out, I will never be free.  I will never be well.  And poor little Middle B, well...I will never enjoy her gifts.  Neither will she.  Her creativity and enthusiasm and beautiful energy.  All the things that no one ever really saw or understood or appreciated or nurtured.   That would be such a waste, such a miserable, unjust waste. 

I shouldn't say no one, though.  My Person sees them, and tries to nurture them.  I don't think I'd even really know they were there if it wasn't for him.  But he can't save me.  Can anybody?

[rainydiary]

Bach, I read your post and will be thinking of you.  I appreciate you articulating what is happening and hope that you find some ease even if it is a single moment. 

[Jazzy]

Hi Bach!

I understand you are confused and frustrated right now. I'm sorry, those are very difficult feelings. 

I think you're doing an excellent job listening to what your body is trying to tell you. Whether the pains are from a physical cause or a mental cause is irrelevant to me. Your body is in pain, which I see as it telling you that it desperately needs things to be better.

I have found that doctors and therapists and others do not understand me very well, so they try to help, but it is not very accurate. I do my best to listen to what everyone says, but trust my mind and body most.

If you feel good reconnecting with your mother, than that is what you should do.

Re-establishing some kind of relationship really seemed so much like the right thing to do after two years(!)

Based on what you have written here, I am 100% confident you are correct.

It sounds like your mother isn't poisoning you right now, but maybe you need some time and effort to flush all the poison out of your system that has been built up for so long.

Middle B's talents sound wonderful. I am only learning to appreciate art myself right now, so I'm sorry I couldn't before. I would like to see some of Middle B's work though! Where can I find it?

We will all do our best to help you Bach, but it is up to you to save yourself with our support. I hope you're feeling better soon. 

<3 Niko

[Snowdrop]

Oh Bach, I'm so sorry you're unwell. It makes me want to wrap you up in a big hug of safety.

I've begun to wonder whether I have a genuine physical illness, or whether this is somehow something psychological.

Is it worth speaking to a doctor about it? I don't know if you have already. Maybe there's something that can help you, or it might help to pin down what it is.

Sending much love and care to you and Middle B.

[Blueberry]

Bach, it sounds to me as if you might be in a big EF. So you feel stuck, and as if nothing will ever change. But it's not true. EFs feel interminable when you're in one, but they do pass.

I try not to make any big decisions when in an EF. Lying on the sofa watching TV is just fine! Not showering is fine, especially if you're just at home. I have a lot of trouble showering or doing other 'normal' self-care when in an EF and I'm not the only one here on OOTS who says that. You're definitely not alone with that. I try not to give advice here. I think it's important for all of us to come to decisions on our own, but today I would say to you: be careful about who you speak or write to in an EF! It's great you reached out here. OOTS is a safe place. I care about you. 

[Kizzie]

Sending hugs Bach  and care that you will come out of this soon.  It's really tough we know but we are here and we truly do care 

[BeeKeeper]

Bach,

I want to say without reservation, questioning or doubt, that Middle B's creativity, energy and enthusiasm are still alive. She is, and you are, not "gone." I support you as you endure this temporary period of life.

[Bach]

rainydiary, Jazzy/Niko, Snowdrop, Blueberry, Kizzie, BeeKeeper, your compassionate replies to my recent post mean a lot to me.  I appreciate and welcome the hugs though I can't quite come up with any myself right now.  Tee, Armadillo, notalone, Hope67, I also thank you deeply and sincerely for your engagement with Middle B.  She appreciates it very much, although now she's telling me to shut up and not talk about her, so I'll respect that.

I did see a doctor this morning about the symptoms I'm having that seem unusual and problematic beyond what I identify as my normal state of chronic illness.  I debated whether to tell him everything that's been going on or whether to just talk about the long-COVID symptoms and the *&^%#%%$^&%* vaccine, and whether to, if not exactly exaggerate, at least sort of emphasise the physical symptoms.  I chose candor, and of course he was quick to diagnose it as depression.  I definitely opened the door for that.  I sort of stood up for the idea that I'm having physical symptoms that are unusual for me regardless of my mental state, but I'm never able to be very bold or pushy with doctors, especially ones I've been seeing for a long time, and so I folded pretty much right away and took a referral to a gastroenterologist.  I suppose I appreciate that he took me just seriously enough to give me that instead of trying to shove me at a psychiatrist.  I had some truly awful experiences in the 90s with psych meds, and the only things that have ever improved my mental health have been addressing various aspects of my physical health, so as much as I sometimes wonder whether I'm shortchanging myself in some way with this attitude, I am not going down that road again. 

I also suppose I might be coming around to the idea that this is all psychological and that there's no way for me to hurry it up and get back to my life.  That's really kind of a problem, though.  Yes, it's okay to lie on the couch and watch TV and stink up to a point, but it's been FIVE WEEKS.  I haven't exercised at all, haven't even climbed stairs inside my house, and I can feel my body deteriorating from the inactivity.  And I can feel the summer slipping away.  The garden is a jungle.  I've only been to the pool once this year, way back at the beginning of June.  It's one of my favourite places in the world, it only exists for three months a year, and I'm missing it.  My life is slipping away.  I have GOT to get off this couch soon.  But I can't.  Not yet, anyway.  What if I can't get off it ever?  What if I really do end up like Aunt Naomi? 

I think it's important for all of us to come to decisions on our own, but today I would say to you: be careful about who you speak or write to in an EF!

Blueberry, could you please elaborate on that?  If you can, and if it's safe for you.  It's confusing me, and frightening Little B.  If not, I'll do my best with it.  It feels significant and I deeply appreciate your offering it.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Bach, that probably does look very confusing. I'm sorry also for frightening Little B.

I genuinely try not to offer advice on here, but today my advice would be to not contact your M when you're feeling so bad, even though another mbr suggested that further up the thread.

I think you will get off the couch when you're ready to. I also have spent a lot of time on the couch or in bed,  I mean days at a time. But when I'm OK again, I get off them and start living my life again.

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
I think what Blueberry said about the couch makes such sense.  When you're ready to, I feel sure you'll do what you need to do.  But no pressure - none whatsoever - whatever you and Middle B need.

I feel like I'm falling over my words, so apologies if it feels a bit stilted.  I do want to send you and all parts who would value a hug a warm and supportive hug 

Hope