A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Armee]

 

I'm really sad that you feel so stuck and down and unable to do what you want. The couch phase, it will pass, because you want it to.

I find the more I reject a difficult symptom, the worse it is and the longer it lasts.

Tell Middle B we understand not wanting anyone to talk about her. I feel the same way all the time.

It really does sound like increased communication with your mom has been really harmful to you. You experimented and your brain and body are telling you "no. Not yet. Not even this." You're right that it *should* be ok, but it isn't.    I relate 100%.

[Bach]

I  washed my hair a couple of nights ago and have been managing to do a few little things off the couch each day for the past three or so. I'm sick of lying on the couch and being ill but I know I'm still not up to much in the way of real life and I also know that I will have to be very patient and careful about continuing to rest and rebuild my body rather than jumping on the very small signs of recovery that I am seeing and trying to force that process to go more quickly. I had to consciously and deliberately state to myself that I recognise that I am not ready to get up yet, and then give myself permission not to.  I am frustrated and angry and scared and sad and my brother is leaving on Friday.

My mother is not currently a problem. I recognised and corrected a behaviour I had taken up recently that reflected my mother's negative influence, and that was a bit of a breakthrough. I'm happy to leave her be for the moment but if she texts me I will reply. I'm not scared of her, and that's what I wanted out of resuming contact with her. So I'll deal with her when I have to deal with her, and bloody well deal with myself the rest of the time.

I was a little deranged this weekend. Bad behaviour with food yesterday and with marijuana today, but I pulled the eating back under control right away, and tomorrow will do the same with the weed. And the relentless grind of self-improvement continues.

Hugs to Blueberry, Hope and Armee for the recent replies and to all my other friends here who whether speaking or not support me like an invisible net that catches me gently before I fall all the way down to the bottom. Thank you

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're seeing signs of recovery, Bach. I've been concerned about you. I'm also glad you're taking things gently, and listening to what you need. You'll get there.

[Armee]

My mother is not currently a problem. I recognised and corrected a behaviour I had taken up recently that reflected my mother's negative influence, and that was a bit of a breakthrough. I'm happy to leave her be for the moment but if she texts me I will reply. I'm not scared of her, and that's what I wanted out of resuming contact with her.

I'm so happy that you are slowly taking some steps to resume life as you want it to be, but also recognizing that slow is the way to go. 

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
I'm glad to read your update on how you are.  Taking things gently and listening to what you need sounds good.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

My mother is not currently a problem. I recognised and corrected a behaviour I had taken up recently that reflected my mother's negative influence, and that was a bit of a breakthrough. I'm happy to leave her be for the moment but if she texts me I will reply. I'm not scared of her, and that's what I wanted out of resuming contact with her.

I'm so happy that you are slowly taking some steps to resume life as you want it to be, but also recognizing that slow is the way to go. 

Dear Bach,
I'm glad to read your update on how you are.  Taking things gently and listening to what you need sounds good.   
Hope 

I'm glad you're seeing signs of recovery, Bach. I've been concerned about you. I'm also glad you're taking things gently, and listening to what you need. You'll get there.

[Armee]

 

[Bach]

I can’t speak, can’t share, can’t do anything.  I’m stuck inside myself.  I hate this.

[Blueberry]

You reached out here

Sending a gentle hug if that feels good atm. I care about you.

[Armee]

We see you. You're still here. You exist even when you are stuck.

[Bach]

I am a sad little smelly little girl with a messy room who startles at everything because nothing is safe and I am in constant fear of where is the next danger I am small and everything is grey and I always have to hurry to keep up why why why can't they slow down why can't they slow down, I'm just a little girl!

[sanmagic7]

we are surrounding that little girl, embracing her with care and concern, bach.  as i've often been told here, this, too, shall pass.  hang tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.

[Bach]

NB:  I started this as a reply to the thread linked below.  It got too sloppy and rambly to post on someone else’s thread, and I haven’t in any way got the wherewithal to clean it up and make it a considerate reply in a group discussion, so I’m posting it here because it is on my mind and is relevant to the topic.

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13556.0


I’ve thought about this a lot.  I went for a number of years having no contact with my mother except for once a year at Thanksgiving at my brother’s house.  Thanksgiving used to be the holiday that my brother and I would spend together, and my mother and stepfather used to take a road trip to spend Thanksgiving with one of the stepsons.  However, a few years ago, my mother and stepfather decided they were too old for the road trip and that they would henceforth be attending at my brother’s.  During those years, Thanksgiving became very fraught to me.  I didn’t want to see her, but I didn’t want to miss Thanksgiving with my brother’s family. I resented the * out of her impinging on what I thought of mine and my brother’s holiday.  During the lead-up to those Thanksgivings I often felt that I wished she would die so that I could just be done with her and never have to deal with her again.  I didn’t feel guilty for wishing she would die.  At the time, I thought that there was no reason for me to want her to stay in the world.

There was never any overt drama on those Thanksgivings, but being in her presence always had certain effects on me that I didn’t understand or recognise because although I had been working for many years to understand my experience growing up, I had not yet discovered the concept of CPTSD.  Each year was a tiny bit easier in terms of my standing up for myself and not letting her suck me in to her weird grasping life-sucking need for supply.  There was that very cold one holiday on which after dinner my mother and stepfather didn’t want to walk the few blocks to get to where they were staying because it was late and it was windy, but they were having difficulty getting a cab.  After a very subtle family politics dance in my brother’s foyer, I understood that My Person and I were expected to offer them a ride. I was unwilling to do that for reasons I didn’t totally understand at the time that I’m only slightly more clear on now, but which I knew down to my bones were important and valid and not just me being difficult or mean.  I remember it being so obvious that we were expected to offer that My Person asked me discreetly out of the corner of his mouth if I was going to, and I just as discreetly came back with some form of uh-uh, no way, not on my life.  I also remember standing my ground on that even though I felt that maybe even My Person thought I was being unreasonable. 

That felt like a real step forward, but it caused me to relax my guard at Thanksgiving the following year.  I got sucked into a sentimental conversation with her and started thinking maybe I wanted to try to have some kind of a relationship with her again.  I thought about that a lot and had many discussions with my therapist, My Person, and my Ladybird (wise and beloved overseas friend I met in an eating disorder support group who I have been chatting with in instant messages and visiting when I can since the mid-aughts) about what my motivations were for feeling I wanted that, whether it was a good idea, what would I be expecting or hoping to get out of it, what were the benefits, risks, etc.  After taking literally a two years to decide that I wanted to, I turned to figuring out how to initiate and conduct it.  Originally, I’d been expecting that I’d see her at Thanksgiving as usual, but my stepfather who was in his 90s and had mostly been in excellent health and full mental faculties up to then had fallen ill earlier in the year.  He’d been deteriorating for a while, and by Thanksgiving he was unable to travel.  At first my mother suggested that we all have Thanksgiving at her house, and because she actually wrote to me herself to invite us, I gave it careful consideration.  Ultimately I decided that there was ABSOLUTELY NO (expletive deleted) WAY I was up for that, but that my turning down the invitation would be a good opening to suggest that we email each other a bit. 

We started a very tentative and intermittent email correspondence.  Then, this past May, my stepfather died and I went to his memorial at her house as I have written about here previously.  Since then, I have been carrying on a text message conversation with her a few times a week, and have been to see her once.  Dealing with her is difficult, frustrating, triggering and exhausting, but I feel that it is very important.  I feel that I need to deal with her to progress in my therapy, to understand more about and hopefully start to unlearn the deeply programmed subconscious responses I have that contribute so much to my life’s suffering.  I also feel that I need to deal with her so that I can fully understand and believe that none of it was my fault.  None of it was because of any inherent lack of worth in me, and certainly none of it was because I didn’t try hard enough.  And ultimately I need to do it so that when she dies I will be able to experience my relief for the end of her without complications from guilt, shame or regret, and accept and grieve healthily for the fact that I will never truly know how it feels to have a loving mother instead of ripping myself apart over how asdkdfl;hg’d up my life has been.  I fear that if I can’t do that, my mother’s eventual death with throw me into a state of prolonged triggered dysfunction that will make my struggles of this past summer look like a day at the beach. 

(Ah yes, the blessed and yet triggering beach.  Another story for another day).

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciated reading this reflection as so much of what you wrote touched parts of my heart and mind and body that said "Bach would understand me."  There are so many parts of us that have reasons and needs that seem to defy words because they are deep. 

I am also entering a place in my life where I see it is important to have a relationship with my parents on my terms and yet it is so difficult because all the deep memories I don't realize I am holding are in my body. 

The part where you described the implicit communication that you provide a ride for your parents and how your reaction was perceived as unreasonable stood out to me.  I am currently trying to sort out why we are encouraged by others to stand our ground and speak our truth when the reality of doing that is often poorly received and results in additional suffering. 

Thank you for sharing all of this.  All changes bring about shifts and new realities to navigate.  I am walking this journey with you.