A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Tee]

 

[Bach]

I had a dream last night that I need to write down before it gets away so I'm going to do it real quick right now when I don't have time to sit and think really hard about what I'm going to say, and DEFINITELY not time to edit, re-read, analyse.  Write and press Post.

I dreamed that I was at an INXS concert with My Person, except that the band was about to come on and I was supposed to sing with them.  So I knew that I needed to go up on the stage and start singing, but there was some kind of telepathic exchange between me and My Person that alerted me to the fact that I didn't have a microphone.  Then I had a microphone in my hands, it was a very old one that my first partner swiped either intentionally or accidentally from the community college he attended.  I recognised it, and thought I remembered it as having been considered to be a very good microphone, and I thought "Oh, this will do," but I looked up at My Person to say "Here's one, I'll use this!" and he was frowning and shaking his head and wagging his finger.  I thought he was telling me that the microphone wasn't good enough, but then I looked at it and I realised that even though I had a cord, the cord wasn't plugged into the microphone itself, and didn't have the right connecting end on it to be plugged into the house PA.  The houselights were down and the song "What You Need" had started playing.  I knew I was supposed to be up there with a microphone that would work singing it, but just as another idea about what to do...or maybe a better microphone? started to materialise I woke up.

[Tee]

I'll be your groupie.   

[Bach]

Tee   

[Bach]

The Youngers are confusing and distracting me.  Recently when I started exploring the notion of the Youngers, it seemed like it could be a really helpful and exciting concept.  But now I'm afraid that I might be dabbling in something I shouldn't be trying to do on my own.  I don't think that my therapist really does that stuff per se.  I'm not sure.  She awakened in my mind the possibility of being able to help my present self by remembering the feelings of my child self, but I don't think that was particularly deliberate or purposeful on her part.  Now I'm deep into this concept, because it taps in to my old coping method of writing out my feelings via fictional constructs, and that's exciting to me.  So are the moments I've had lately in which I am trying to deal with something that is stressing me at some level, and I feel myself starting to escalate, then I sort of "hear" which of the Youngers is ready to blow and I'm able to interrupt the escalation by calming the Younger.  But I don't want to lose myself in this, and I don't want to fictionalise my life.  I've always been afraid of that, it's why I stopped writing creatively years ago.  I wonder if I'm messing with something dangerous that will backfire on me.

[Tee]

I get what you're saying.  I'm scared to delve to far into my younger years and inner child work for this reason too.  I've worked for a long time to get back to a functioning level after my dissociation stopped and the rush of overwhelming feeling came back. 

I'm truly afraid to look too much or hard for fear that I'll break though I know there's work to be done there.  I think talking to your T would be first and got most a place to start.  I voices my concerns to mine and she said we will deal with what comes.

Hugs this life have twisted us far before the moment where we stand finding the strength to untangle our way is hard.

[Bach]

I don't really know what I'm talking about with any of this stuff.  I got some books but I haven't been able to read them.  Pretty much the only thing I've been able to do to help guide me is come here and read people's posts and links.  Today I am just sick and tired and blue, afraid that I've already maxed out on my potential for health and sanity, and I'm able to almost see good things that could be ahead for me if I could figure out how to get there but will just be stuck here forever, using every bit of strength I have to keep from decompensating but just TOO MUCH, always TOO MUCH. 

I talked to my therapist about the stuff with the Youngers and told her I was afraid I was going to make myself even crazier with it, and she said she didn't think I needed to worry about that.  So that's good, I guess.

[Tee]

  I think it always seems worse in the storm just before the clouds break and sun shines through.  It'll get better Bach keep putting one foot infront of the other.  At least that's what my T keeps telling me.

[Bach]

I think it always seems worse in the storm just before the clouds break and sun shines through.  It'll get better Bach keep putting one foot infront of the other.  At least that's what my T keeps telling me.

Yes, mine too. And I guess  it's working so far? We're both still here, anyway.

I appreciate you being here, Tee, and your lovely gentle support

[Snowdrop]

I know that sometimes I have to stay still and wait for the world to shift around me before I can step forward again. A  if that helps.

[Not Alone]

Bach, just want you to know that you have my support. As much as you are able, take it slowly.

[Bach]

I know that sometimes I have to stay still and wait for the world to shift around me before I can step forward again. A  if that helps.

Thank you, Snowdrop.  It does. 

Sometimes just being able to say it and be heard instead of having to keep it inside helps so much with not just giving in and letting it bury me.

[Bach]

Bach, just want you to know that you have my support. As much as you are able, take it slowly.

I'm not very good at taking it slowly.  I guess I have to practise.  I've become aware of where the bulk of my unexplored trauma lies, and I seem to have a couple of Youngers trying to stop me from really going there.  I'm not sure which would be worse, going there or not going there, but I kind of feel like either way I'm on a collision course.  It's really freakin' scary.  I'm scared.  Better go get my laundry now.

[Jazzy]

Being scared is totally understandable... just take things in your own time and it will get better

[Tee]

   take it one step at a time. I would recommend trying to work through with aT.