A Safe Place To Be Visible

Started by Bach, June 24, 2019, 05:31:01 PM

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Bach

I am literally afraid to not be afraid.

Hello and love to my people here. I miss you but I haven't been able to communicate at all lately. The other day I had trouble finding a place where I felt safe doing a phone call with my therapist. That's increasingly a problem. And writing, forget it. The words dry up when I try to put them on the page. But I'm still out here and I think of you  :grouphug: :grouphug:

Not Alone

Miss you too, Bach.

I am very ready to get back into my therapist's office. I put a fan on for some "white noise."

To all of you:  :grouphug:

Snowdrop


Bach

#303
Hello friends  :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:  Thank you for the response.  Today was almost a better day, but some things have been against me.  I was having anxiety but I also had some energy.  Getting my heart rate up sometimes helps with my anxiety, and the weather is beautiful today, so I went out for a walk with my Person, and for the first time in probably two weeks I felt that my spirits were lifting.  Then when we were walking by the cemetery in my town, there was a funeral going on.  I guess it must have been a military person who died because just as we walked by, three soldiers raised guns and fired them into the air.  Now, fortunately, we were looking right at them when they raised their guns, so I at least had a moment to register that the shots were coming, but even so the very loud sharp noise sent me into fight-or-flight.  Then they fired twice more.  The kids inside were freaking out, not only from the noise but also from the thought of how terrifying it would have been if we hadn't seen the soldiers and the gunshots sounds had come from nowhere.  I did my best to comfort and reassure them as my Person did his best to comfort and reassure me.  Mentally, of course, I knew that I was safe and that everything was okay, but those gunshots had wrought havoc with my adrenaline response, and from down deep in my mind where fear has lived wakeful ever since I was a little baby whose mother (potential trigger in white text follows)tried to suffocate her, the doom thoughts were rising.  In particular, the feeling was "It's a beautiful day, I am coping well, everything is fine, which means something terrible is about to happen."  I used my rational mind to deal with that as best I could.  Then on the street we met someone we know from the neighbourhood who we haven't seen in a long time, and had a pleasant (appropriately socially distanced) conversation, and I felt better again.  This was very good but then we had to stop at the grocery store, and by the time we were done with that and got home I was exhausted.  I should have realised that I was shaky and needed rest, but because I had spent the past hour or so wrangling myself and powering through, when my Person asked me to help him move a table, it didn't even occur to me to ask to wait until later.  Perhaps inevitably, I fell and hurt myself.  Not seriously, but enough to finish off completely the notion of a better day.  As if that wasn't bad enough, then I had to do a therapy session on the phone, and that has been a real struggle lately.  After that, we went to the garden center to get some greens to plant, but the place we went didn't have any.  Ugh. 

I had some good things planned for this afternoon that I was looking forward to, but it was all too much.  I need to rest.  I took something for the pains from the fall and now am putting my hope on the idea that this morning's positive energy was an indication that the funk I've been in is passing, and that tomorrow might be the good day that today almost was. 

Not Alone

Bach, I wish I could say more, but I'm in a bad place. Would like to give you and Littles a hug.  :grouphug:

Jazzy

Sorry to hear things didn't go so great on your walk. That adrenal response can really cause problems (maybe this is why you felt okay to move the table too?). But it is great you were feeling positive in the morning. Rest well! :)

Snowdrop

#306
I can understand the gunshots being so triggering. Feeling so positive that morning sounds like a good sign though. I hope you had a better day today. :grouphug:

sanmagic7

hey, bach,

sorry about the fall - i hope you're feeling better.

and, here's wishing you more mornings where you wake up and feel good.  love and hugs :hug:

Bach

I can't with this life.  I was holding my own until that stupid gunshot incident last week, but since then each day is worse than the day before.  I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up.

Hope67

Hi Bach,
I am so sorry to hear you're going through this, it must be really triggering and hard to cope with - I don't know what to say except that I wish there was something I could do that would help in some way - I hope that I can extend a hug of support and safety to you  :hug:
Hope  :)

Snowdrop

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, Bach. I would like to give you and the Littles a comforting hug if that would help in any way. :grouphug:

Not Alone

Bach, my heart aches that you are feeling so awful. Please know that I care.  :grouphug:

Not Alone

Bach, in the recent really hard time I was going through, you wrote to me: It's a really hard time right now, really scary. It will get better. It has gotten better for me even though while in the middle of it, I could not see any way that things would improve. My feelings were unbearable. Yet, what seemed eternal did end. I know it doesn't feel like it, but the way you feel now won't last forever.

Sending my care to you and your Littles.  :grouphug:

Bach

Hi, friends  :hug: :grouphug:  I really appreciate the support.  I'm just not doing well right now.  I'm wishing that my mother (trigger warning, text in white) had just killed me one of those times that she restricted my airway, instead of just messing around with it.  Hmm.  Maybe that bit of my sordid history is another element of why I'm so triggered by the stuff currently in the news.

I told my brother I'd have a socially distanced picnic lunch with him today.  I love my brother and I've missed him during this lockdown, but all he's going to want to talk about will be stuff that freaks me out.  I've promised myself a pain pill if I want one after I get back.

Not Alone

It is okay to set boundaries with your brother and say, "I don't want to talk about. . . "

Can see where the current situation would be very triggering to you. I've also wished I had been killed in abuse situation. It speaks to how painful all this is.  :grouphug: