A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Jazzy]

Hope you feel better soon Bach. I'm certainly glad your mother didn't kill you.

Maybe you can make a list of things you can talk about with your brother that won't upset you so much? Hopefully that will help the visit go better.

[Three Roses]

I've also been really triggered by the event in question, it brought back very bad memories.

[Bach]

Thank you for your understanding and support, notalone, Jazzy and Three Roses    I'm glad to tell you that my picnic with my brother turned out well.  It was a hard day in terms of being around things that were incidentally triggering, like people doing park maintenance with loud buzzy tools that made anxiety-provoking noises around where we ate lunch, and then someone setting off firecrackers somewhere near where we were taking a walk after lunch, but I was able to talk the children through the triggers.  Also, I've realised that not only does my brother not mind if I set boundaries around things that cause me difficulty, he actually prefers it.  He told me that he understands that I am in pain nearly all the time and that because of it I have a great deal of difficulty navigating my life and that it doesn't make him angry or upset with me if I'm in pain, but that it can be hard to deal with when he doesn't know how he can help.  So if I tell him "I can't handle discussing that today, let's find something else to talk about," he's not going to feel that I'm silencing him, but rather that I am giving him a welcome opportunity to take care of me.  So that's good. 

Trigger warning:  Current events as related to childhood trauma.  Text in white.
The current situation with the racial violence is highly triggering to me.  Everything about it touches on big scary fears that I think belong to Baby B, another inner I have become aware of.  She's around 3 to 4 years old.  Back then, my parents were still together.  They would fight all the time.  My father would throw things.  He would also storm out, slamming the door.  I don't remember very much from then, a few things here and there that possibly aren't even my own memories, but I can put together a pretty good sense of why angry people having violent conflict is so frightening even when it's not directly threatening me.  Also, because I as an adult know that I will never have to worry that what happened to George Floyd will happen to me, until yesterday when I mentioned it here, it did not occur to me that the children have been identifying with him as a victim.  Asphyxiation caused by the deliberate aggressive act of another person.  I know of twice that my mother did it to me, and once that my grandmother did.  It would not surprise me if there were other times when something like that was done to me, but even if there weren't, three times is certainly enough to explain a sensitivity I might have to this situation.  Baby B witnesses violent conflict.  A person who should have protected her storms out and leaves her alone with a person who might strangle her.  There may or may not be direct connections in my personal history between violent conflict and incidents of asphyxiation or other abuse, but it's easy enough to understand how Baby B might have learned to fear for her life in response to violent conflict. It's all mixed up together into a debilitating trauma stew.

Yesterday turned out to be very helpful even though it was difficult and exhausting.  Triggers big and small that were coming at me from all directions, and yet still I managed everything and took responsible care of myself and my parts so that I could get something good out of what otherwise might have turned into a fiasco of an outing that would have made me ill.  Today I am exhausted and not especially functional, but much calmer and less overwhelmed.  I've done some important tasks and am not wishing I was dead.  So, onward and upward.

[Bach]

I'm smoking too much weed again.  I had an insight yesterday that when I'm feeling the urge to smoke at excessive or inappropriate times, it has something to do with the children.  I've noticed that sometimes I don't hear them until I smoke weed, and I'm wondering whether I could find a way to interrupt the process that sends me off to regrettable puffs that I don't need by communicating with them somehow.  The medicine works so much better when I'm able to moderate, but that's not something I've ever been good at. 

Help me, kids, help me!  Middle B?  Any of you!

[Not Alone]

Bach, glad you had such an honest and helpful interaction with your brother.

It makes a lot of sense that you and your Littles are so upset/triggered now. All I know to do is to let you know that I care.

[Bach]

I really hate my haunted brain sometimes. I hate feeling toxic shame over my emotions, and expressing or withholding them inappropriately because of it. I hate knowing that all the crap that ever happened to me is still in my brain and that I can never get it out. I am afraid to go to sleep because of the crap in my brain and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Also, I HATE PHONE THERAPY AND I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Just wanted to send you a safe and supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 
Can you perhaps just take a break from phone therapy? 

[Not Alone]

Also, I HATE PHONE THERAPY AND I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!

I understand that. My therapy is Skype, so at least there is the visual. For me it doesn't feel safe (especially for some Littles). Also, there are a lot of issues that are on hold because it really needs to be talked about in person. I know this is hard, Bach, and it has been going on for what feels like a really long time. My five-year-old Part, Hope, wants to take your hand and walk with you, stomping feet, and yelling "hate it, hate it hate it."

[Bach]

Thanks for the hugs and support, friends      notalone, I'm with Hope.  If I could, I would take her hand and first we would stomp around yelling "Hate it, hate it!" for a bit, and then we would laugh and skip off to get some ice cream.  Then we would blow some bubbles.

I had therapy yesterday morning, and I was really dreading it, but it turned out to be quite a productive session.  Very painful hard work, but productive.  Lots of things going on right now that are bringing stuff up, and it's not stuff I want to deal with but it does need to be dealt with, and although I'm kind of an overwhelmed wreck right now, I have at least temporarily stopped feeling like I need to cease to exist.  But I am going to skip my Thursday session this week to go see my Other, because right now I need that more than anything. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you had a productive session. I can understand it being painful. Sending you love and big hugs.

[Jazzy]

Hang in there Bach!

[Bach]

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain. There is nothing immediately wrong, I have had a good day and I am in a safe and calm place with a person I love, but on the inside I am distressed. A little while ago I felt completely relaxed and comfortable. I was happy and content and fully in the moment. My brain was quiet and still, and that felt absolutely wonderful. But then as they do, that moment ended, and now my body again is tense and my brain is running around on hot coals unable to find a place that doesn't hurt to settle and all I want to do is go back to an hour ago when all was peaceful and I was enjoying a taste of simply existing.

[Tee]

  hugs Bach I know that feeling all too well. Breathe another calm will come eventually just breathe. Here with you till the calm comes back to you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing Bach.  What you say resonates with me too.